I've been feeling generous today. And I've been missing this story a lot. So while i have some time in my hand (which I spend carelessly here)..I think I might post something as well.

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Soo Yoon stops at the spot beside the vending machine where an empty space should be found as he recognizes a very familiar figure sitting leg-folded there. He goes to this third floor not expecting at all to meet the girl although the chance is there as he knows they’re coming to the same school.

The girl looks oddly miserable. Actually every time he meets the girl, she will display that kind of face as if she own everyone’s problems. But this time, with no mp3 with her like from the previous encounters, she seems more troubled and disturbed.

                “Are you all right?” asks Soo yoon.

The girl lifts her head. With a shocked face, she points at him with raising tune. “You!”

                “Hye!” Soo yoon tries to present his most pleasant smile, waving at the flustered girl.

The girl whose name is still unknown quickly stands and hastily straightening her hair and dress.

                “You look fine. Don’t worry,” still with his charming smile, Soo Yoon casually takes his seat across the girl.

He doesn’t know why his body would involuntarily taking the seat there all the while skipping the class just to make a conversation with a girl who looks like she would run away from that place any second from now.

The girl turns from flustered to obvious embarrassed. Eventually, the girl lifelessly sits back on her spot.

                “Why did every time we meet, it would be at such ungodly time?” Soo yoon mutters to himself and chuckles in the process.

                “Maybe because it is meant to be an unusual encounter?” the girl hesitantly replies after a few minutes quieting herself.

                “You think so?”

She shrugs off.

                “Say, what’s your name, cranberries? Zombies?” the only thing that he recalls from the first encounter with the girl is the band’s name the girl ‘suggested’.

The girl is making ‘What?!’ face before laughing. The sound is unfamiliar yet melodic to Soo yoon’s ears.

                “I’m not a cranberries nor a zombie. Nor a zombie cranberries,” -Soo yoon laughs- “my name is Lea Kim. Lea,” she finally introduces herself.

                “Kim Soo yoon. Soo yoon. By the way, I’m your senior. Feel free to call me oppa.”

Lea grimaces.  They exchange handshakes.

And there starts a strange friendship that is established on odd encounters and awkward introduction.

                                                                           

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The silence is heavily lingering inside the room, with the only source of sounds coming from a rusty fan creaking above the two men; making the already tensed situation from the staring contest between them becoming more severe. Both hasn’t utter any word since they entered the room.

                “So, Soo Yoon. What business do you have at the rooftop?” Moon’s usually relaxed tone sounds unusually strict that evening.

                “I’m resting there,” Soo Yoon looks everywhere but not at the teacher. Not out of fear, but more to bored. He really wish he can settle this fast by accepting any punishment given to him without having to undergo the investigating session. Yet he knows better that that wouldn’t be the case. The teacher must know the story behind the blazer for him to insist like that and he must want to know his intention.

                “Not smoking?” Moon still keep his tone low.

                “Do I look like I’m smoking?” Soo Yoon glares at the teacher. He can’t believe the teacher ever have that kind of idea in his mind.

                “Well. What can I expect from a person in this phase? Then, why did you left you blazer there?” Moon leans to his leather chair, hand-folded to chest.

Soo Yoon sighs. He wonders till when the teacher would keep his façade.

                “You know exactly what is happening, don’t you? It’s funny to see that we both know about this but you keep that dumb play,” Soo Yoon leans forward as if challenging.

Moon feels his blood rises to his head but he tries inwardly cooling himself. He doesn’t want to be seen senseless trying to win an argument with a hot-headed high-schooler.

                “Okay. So you know the reason I’m calling you. But do you have the answer I’m looking for?” Moon raises one of his eyebrow, provoking.

                “About the blazer?”

Moon nods.

                “Can we skip to the punishment instead? This is obviously wasting both your and my time.” Soo Yoon’s face clearly shows his impatient.

                “I need to know the reason. I have an obligation to do so. Moreover, your punishment would be decided based on the reason you give to me.”

                “I can accept the worst punishment if that means I can go home now,” Soo Yoon insists.

                “Look, why can’t we settle it faster by you complying to my request?” Moon ain’t in his usual tolerant mode today either.

Soo Yoon heaves a heavy sigh. He surrenders. He really can’t drag this problem any longer. But the teacher is persistent as heck!

                “I know that girl; Lea. But that afternoon, I swear, I accidently bump into her. And seeing her sleeping there shivering, I put my blazer on her just to keep her warm. If that’s a crime, then I don’t have anything to say anymore,” Soo Yoon tries to appear as calm as possible although half of his story is a lie.

                “You know the girl?” Moon startled. It never cross his mind that Lea would know or befriend any guy, especially a senior because according to James, that girl has big issue regarding communication with opposite genders.

                “Yes. We’re in the same school, aren’t we? So what’s so strange about knowing someone who studies in the same place with us?”

                “So you’re saying here that you just gave your blazer to some random junior who you know exist in the school but doesn’t really has a definite relationship or what sort with and doesn’t have any thinking of having it back? Your story sounds really concrete to me,” Moon sarcastically replies.

                “Didn’t I say that we’re friend? And why did you bother so much about it?” Soo Yoon turns annoyed by the overly-concerned attention from his teacher. He starts to have uneasy thoughts seeing how the man react to this case over all.

                “You never explain your relationship with her to me actually. But never mind.  Anyway, I’m just being extra careful with suspicious cases like this especially if it involves my student,” Moon smoothly eluding from the doubt.

His student? Lea?

Soo Yoon feels strangely anxious upon hearing the news. He often heard unpleasant rumours about Moon being a smooth-talker and womanizer among his friends. But he never thought the teacher would find a victim among his student. He feels troubled with the attention Moon gives towards Lea, someone who he is certain not in Moon’s league. With that kind of attention, Soo Yoon doubt his act is a fruit of pure concern.

                “Okay. Since I’ve stated my reason, can I go now?” Soo Yoon is ready to lift up his and leaves the room.

                “We’re not done yet,” – Soo Yoon sigh- ,”we haven’t decide your punishment, didn’t we?” Moon seems hesitant, as if he still has question in mind that he wants to ask but he hold on.

Soo Yoon nods.

                “Since your crime is loitering on the rooftop, then your punishment would be a week of 5 pages historical report a day.”

                “What? That’s insane! I have exam next week,” Soo Yoon yelp in frustration.

                “That’s not my problem if you have examination next week. You create the problem, you solve it. And didn’t you say just now that you can take the worst punishment? I think I’ve been generous enough.”

                “That’s a rhetorical statement,” Soo Yoon mutters dejectedly.

                “If we’re done here, you can go home now. Your punishment would start tomorrow. Better look for historical books now.” Moon already stacking his books and things up.

                “Can’t I have the same punishment with Lea?” Moon looks up to his student.

                “Why?” Moon scrutinise the boy for any hidden intention.

                “Nothing. I thought I won’t feel that lonely knowing that someone is being punished for the same reason as me,” Soo Yoon shrugs off. He just tries his luck to ask for that teacher’s permission although he knows the chance of him approving would come close to zero. At least, if the teacher give it a thought, he might able to spend more time knowing that strange girl.

Having a conversation with that girl for only 30 minutes is certainly not enough for him to know about the wonderful girl. Even if he is given all the time in this world, he thinks he would still never know the true nature of that girl.

                “You already know she is being punished, right? And it’s all because of your blazer. So are you still feel lonely?” finishing the sentence, Moon walks out of the room, leaving a dumb-strucked Soo Yoon.

Never come across his mind that he is the one who had caused the girl extra work for his split-second thought of kindness. Suddenly, a feeling of guilt swiping slowly into his heart.

 

                            

---

 

 

Zombies- Cranberries keeps repeating in Lea’s head along her way to the service centre. Ironically, the song is about losing the significance ones but the same song also is the reason for her to meet someone that might possibly be dear to her in the future. That 30-minute conversation is simple and relaxing but it left a deep impact on her. The conversation mainly composes of random and vast range of topic but it never going any near to their personal lives than both of them saying that they have pets. Beyond that point, both of them would automatically stop talking as if they have reach the borderline that they both know they shouldn’t cross. They kinda have a silent mutual agreement between them to not bring up any story about their family affairs. Maybe because both doesn’t have that perfect family fairy tale to boast off to each other.

James who walks along with Lea to the society centre feels a little bit left out despite being alone with her. The girl seems like she is not present at the moment spiritually. James feels like he needs to start a conversation with the girl.

                “How’s your day?” asks James. He thinks the question is the gateway for him to know more about what is happening inside that girl’s mind or her day generally.

                “Everything is fine. Nothing extraordinary happen,” Lea answers indifferently.

James is hoping for a more enthusiastic answer since Lea looks lively that afternoon.

                “Mr Lee, am I going to serve for old folks again today?” questions Lea.

                “Oh. About that…There is a little changing in the schedule. So today you’re not going to serve for the old folks. But you’ll have orphanage children as your guests. Are you okay with that?”

Lea stops instantly in the middle of walking. Her feet feels like it is being stoned to the floor. Her expression is displaying great dread.

                “Do you hate them that much? Is your hate doesn’t exclude anyone from its list?” James looks at Lea worriedly. He honestly worries about that girl’s social growth.

Lea didn’t say anything.

                “But I don’t hate them though; the children. It’s just that they’re so irritating and troublesome. Sometimes they can be quite pretentious. They know people would give attention to them yet they still seek more by doing unnecessary cute act or their annoying cry,” Lea argues in small voice.

James couldn’t contain his laugh hearing Lea’s reasoning. It sounds more like a complaint from a jealous 6-year old sister about her baby brother to James.

                “What’s so funny?” Lea frowns in dissatisfaction.

                “Nothing,” – James shaking his head, high from the mirth – “ but I can guarantee you, this is not that kind of kids you’re worried about. They’re pretty independent as they’ve lost parents since they’re small.”

James notices a small change in Lea’s face when the topic of parents is being mentioned.

Maybe she just feels sympathy for the children. James guesses.

And Lea didn’t utter a word since then until they arrived at the service centre even though James had tried several times to bring up a conversation. But Lea keeps letting the teacher talks to himself.

Lea goes straight to the food booth to serve the food to the children without greeting her teacher. When James thought nothing could destroy the new-established trust between him and Lea, he returns to the school with a sigh.

 

James comes 30 minutes earlier than usual since his works at school had finished. He sits on one of the chair provided for the guests and watching Lea works and serves the orphanage, silently.

Today he sees an improvement on the girl’s expression. Today, Lea’s smiles seems more contented and genuine being around the children. Sometimes, he will hear the girl chuckles and teases the children. James likes the look Lea is wearing right now. It’s the look of a normal teenager, the look of someone free and happy, a look of someone who owns her own life. Unlike the usual look she usually had. As if she own all the problem in the world. This side of Lea is what he should see every day. Not a paranoia and pessimistic Lea.

Towards the end of the event, he gets another rare chance of witnessing the other side of Lea that she seldom shows in public.

There is a small boy around 3 years old that falls asleep on Lea’s lap as he plays with her to exhaustion but Lea didn’t make a move until she is sure that the boy has fallen asleep deeply. James is quite sure Lea’s leg is starting to feel numb by the time the boy is soundly sleeping. But what surprises him is, Lea still slowly and gently lift the boy up without making any noise despite she looks like she would stumble down in any moment. She doesn’t look like she was in pain nor the boy was heavy. Instead, she looks at the boy with an undecipherable gaze – akin to a longing stare. The boy is slowly being put down on the mat before she goes helping the other volunteer to pack their things.

James rushes to her side as he watches her starts to flail sideway. Before Lea manage to taste the dirt under her feet, she feels two strong arms support her, preventing her from crash down. She looks up and met a pair of two small worried eyes. She immediately jolts up feeling an electric shock coursing through her small body.

                “Are you okay?” asks James, worries marring his handsome features.

Her heart reacts as unreasonable as her brains. Mess.

                “Lea!” someone from a distance calls her. Hastily she runs towards the person to avoid engaging in an awkward conversation with her teacher.

 

After half an hour rearranging things and packing her belonging, she almost forgets about the incident happened in front of the headquarter booth for the volunteers. Almost. When she sees the tall figure again, leaning coolly against the booth pole, the images from that incident immediately rush into her mind and simultaneously inducing her panic attack. Why her heart needs to react that way? She cannot fathom it. James is her teacher. She should not even has any reaction in the first place!

She makes a turn and walks away quickly from James. Unfortunately, James is fast to catch the glimpse of Lea’s back that he readily keeps up with her pace.

                ”Lea, waits!” he calls her.

Lea deafens her ear and quickens her pace.

                “It’s almost dark. Let me walk you home. It’s not safe to walk alone at this time.”

                “It’s okay. I can walk alone,” no sign of stopping from her. I would consider walking with a perfect stranger than walking with you, if I need to.

Finally, James able to synchronise his pace with Lea’s. The girl also slows down. She doesn’t need an extra vigorous activity that involves being chases by her teacher after that tiring and exhausting day. She also need to write report about the activity when she reaches home.

                “Are you okay?” asks James.

                “If that what makes you follow me around, then you can stop doing that because I’m perfectly fine, thank you” Lea replies spiritlessly.

The air is filled with calm breeze and mutual silence from both sides.

James clears his throat.

                “I’ve been wanting to ask you a question long time ago. But I don’t think the time is right then,” he pauses.

                “And it’s right, now?” Lea curiously interrupts.

                “I don’t know either whether the time is suitable or not because it will be determined by your answer,” James’s breathing sounds controlled that it makes Lea becomes more anxious.

Nevertheless, she doesn’t take the step to encourage the teacher further.

                “Why are you keep rejecting the people around you? Why can’t you try to accept their existence in your life?” There is a hint of hesitance in the young teacher’s voice when asking.

Lea is dumb-founded. What should she reply to the question? Or better yet, should she answer the question?

                “As I already said earlier, if you don’t think that this is not the right time to answer it, you can ignore my question. For now. But I still hope you can give me an answer to that question,” James quickly drops the topic to neutralize the situation that starts to turn grimmer each second. He feels as if he had accidently landed on some time bomb somehow.

                “How would you react if you’re constantly being left by someone who you thought would be by your side forever? Would you still believe naively on other people after them that they wouldn’t leave you the way the previous people left you?” Lea looks at him with empty eyes. It scares James to see how lifelessly the girl’s eyes look like right now, even more severe than the usual reflection she got in her eyes in everyday life. It even terrifies him more to think that he had blatantly opens up an old wound without even considering the fallout on the girl’s emotional stability. The girl had been wearing her straight and stoic face too often that James forget it is only a façade to conceal the weak and lonely girl behind it.

The pebble feels grating under his feet.

He knows exactly the feeling of being left by the loved ones. Everyone must, even once, experience that kind of tormenting moment because it is the nature of humans to come and go. They are never meant to stay. So it is inevitable to feel the moment of losing. The only thing that differentiate from one person to another person is the way they are losing the people, the degree of suffer they need to go through in the process. Because some might lost loved ones after they had done everything they can for that person, but some might lost them in a blink of eye that they aren’t prepared for the loss. As for Lea, James cannot really tell under what category her case fall on.

If it is a tragedy, then he really can see where the cold and insecure demeanor come from because he used to undergo that phase when his girlfriend died. It is suffocating to say the least. But that is actually an understatement because he feels like he had already lost his purpose of live. His world instantly darkened and crumbled to pieces when he received the news about the accident that evening. He couldn’t see the way out despite him trying to find the new sunshine every day. The memories are kept coming back to him and bringing along the pain with it. In the end, he can’t move on from his past.

But the support and relief never cease also to come from around him – to pull him away from the darkness and grimness, and to make him realized that there are living people that still love him and need him, which he is always grateful to. He hopes Lea also has that kind of strong invisible strings in her life.

                “I know perfectly how it’s felt,” James murmurs under his breath.

Lea flinched.

                “Well, I’ve been living longer than you. So it’s been a huge privilege for me to experience it before you,” James grins his dumb smile but there is hint of pang behind that seemingly cheerful smile.

When James notices that Lea doesn’t give any response, he starts talking again.

                “It’s hurt when people leaving you, I know. I’ve gone through it once, and I swear I don’t want to go through it again. But it’s inevitable. It’s a cycle of life. It’s a part of our life. So you will face it again either you like it or not. But are you going to be like this every time that thing occur?”

                “That’s why it’s better if I don’t have any feeling in the first place for anyone. That way, I won’t face any grieve anymore,” Lea’s voice small.

                “Are you sure you can live throughout your life without feeling love for anyone? Can you sure along the way, you won’t fall for someone. It isn’t something you can control, you know? Can you live your old days without any companion? Can you die without anyone cries for you and remember you?” James keeps provoking. He knows he shouldn’t do this to his student. It might impair her already damaged spirit, what more the girl is physically exhausted. But the teacher feels the urgency to help the girl out of that crushing condition more than his just thinking.

Lea feels something in herself flicked, like a switch is being switched on. Suddenly, the reality and the sadness she tries to avoid coming to her like a truck driven with the speed of light, trampling her on her knees. The disheartening event plays out in her mind like a broken tape playing in loop. She feels a huge hole in her heart imagining the loneliness and the forlornness of her mother when there is only a helpless ungrateful daughter on her side at her very dying moment who until the end couldn’t do anything for her. And the fact that her father actually built another happy family after her mother’s departure as if he already forgetting about her, making Lea further thinks that her mother had lived a pathetic live.

The tarmac is wet with the tears of a remorseful daughter that evening while the air is filled with cold apologies that will never be able to reach the hearing of the dead.