Heart, Mind, and Soul
What Really HappenedSong: Heart, Mind, and Soul - Tohoshinki
And there he was, facing the pesky flower with a teethy smile on his face. He could not believe he started considering the ridiculous idea at all. Jaejoong was usually practical and logical, able to weigh out the the pros and the cons, able to toss an idea when it was absolutely impossible and absurd, but here he was planning out the most preposterous scheme that had ever crossed his mind.
“This is how it’s going to work,” Heechul started, “We’re gonna get you hair extensions. Add a touch of make up here and there. You’re gonna audition for at the upcoming Seoul auditions of which we’ll conveniently be the judge of. Then, voila, you’re in.”
Jaejoong just stared at Heechul in disbelief. Heechul was a generally eccentric and abnormal person, but sometimes it was still hard to believe the words that came out of his mouth.
“Wait. You’re basically telling me to crossdress in order to have a chance at seeing Yunho?”
“Yes, I am,” Heechul states with the words seething through the gaps of his joker smile.
Jaejoong continued to stare blankly at Heechul. Was he supposed to be shocked? Confused? How the heck was this scheme supposed to work?
“No way,” Jaejoong said shaking his head adamantly, “there’s just no way that something like that would work.”
“Of course it would, my dear Jaejoong. How would it not? I am the one planning it after all. When have my plans ever gone wrong?”
Every single damn time, Jaejoong thought.
“Just trust me. Everything will be fine.” Heechul’s voice sounded sickly sweet. It was so sweet that it was evil.
Inside Jaejoong’s head, there was a hurricane. Let’s say that he does get into SM (again). How the heck would he even see Yunho? What would he do if he saw Yunho? Would Yunho ever forgive him? He was going to enter a web of lies that he would have no idea how to get out of. Even if he does meet Yunho and they establish some sort of a friendship, wouldn’t Yunho’s abhorrence for him just multiply tenfold when he finds out about his lies and deception?
While Jaejoong was skeptical of this whole idea, he was also desperate. He still reminisced on those days when the five sat together to have a meal that he cooked, when he and Changmin would take turns bullying each other, when the YunJae ship was real, canon, and sailing even if the fans thought it was just a device that fueled fanservice. They were happier days. He was happy. They all were. He would do so much to quell the loneliness and heartbreak in his sad, cold heart. Just the thought of those times with Yunho made his heart feel fluffy and warm. The realization that those moments would never come again replaced that comforting fire with prickling ice.
What human being would not want warmth and comfort? It’s what makes us human. We have a desire for companionship and love.
Heechul sat there analyzing the unrest in Jaejoong’s face as it contorted in thought. He sighed deeply, making Heechul look at him sadly, almost in pity.
“It’s okay to let your emotions rule you for once. Love isn’t practical. It’s not meant to be. Don’t you want to just see him, even a glimpse?”
“I do… but what if it goes wrong? What if it ends badly? What if we both end up worse off after this? How would I be able to bear that… I just don’t want to feel more pain… I can hardly bear it now.”
“Jaejoong, but what if it ends well? How would you know if you don’t try? Isn’t an attempt at a happy ending better than just sitting around hoping and yearning? At least at the end of the day you can say that you tried,” Heechul said in the softest tone in an attempt to console the currently sensitive Jaejoong. “Don’t you at least want to have that shot at happiness?”
“I do ... I really do,” Jaejoong whispered in a thing, broken voice with his face buried in his hands.
Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea listening to Heechul’s follow your heart speech.
Perhaps then he wouldn’t be completely dressed in clothing that enhanced his femininity, his face would not be powdered in light, pink blush and soft peach lipstick, and his hair wouldn’t reach the middle of his back. It wasn’t even his hair to say the least.
He placed his hands on his cheeks staring into the mirror in front of him. He looked female. He looked like a really attractive female. His stylist that had been hired to dress him every morning ever since he somehow agreed to follow through with Heechul’s ridiculous plan had been sworn to secrecy with an official contract. She was staring at him in awe.
“You look absolutely stunning,” Coco-chan, the stylist, said in her enthusiastic Japanese as she admired her masterpiece.
Jaejoong had to the agree. This lady worked magic. His personal fairy godmother although he was by no means Cinderella. Cinderella didn’t do anything wrong to have to go beg for forgiveness. He was entering the palace where his prince resided enveloped in lies. Who knows how this would turn out?
He could still back out now, pay Coco-chan the contract fee and just move on with his life.
He didn’t want to live like that anymore, sulking in his own misery. It was cowardly. He never faced his fears because he was scared of the outcome. Wouldn’t it be better though to aim for a new outcome even if he didn’t know what it was then living a life that would for sure end in loneliness?
He just stared at his reflection in the mirror, tilting his head in every angle, stunned at how well he could pull of being a girl. He had crossdressed before for the sake of variety shows and fan service, but it was never to this extent.
This was his chance. No matter how ridiculous it is, no matter how impossible it was. What did he have to lose?
***
Aristotle said that the highest ending in life is happiness. We want happiness for the sake of itself. We achieve other things, like wealth and love, for the sake of happiness. In the end, all we want is happiness. Don’t you want to live a life that is happy and fulfilling?
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