.

Taehyung remembers when things weren’t so bad.

He always knew he wasn’t like the other boys growing up. Physical activities and rough housing never really appealed to him, he preferred sandals and flip flops over sneakers, and he was the only little boy dressed as Snow White on Halloween. Vividly, he can remember the look on his mother’s face when he had asked her to paint his nails just as she had done the other little girl’s or how he had begged his father to buy him the scented lip gloss palette he had stumbled across in the store- there was always a small pause, a moment of hesitance, the uncertainty, confliction, before the acceptance. They accepted him and loved him for who he was, so he figured after that, things most likely wouldn’t be so bad, because if his parents accepted him and loved him, then everyone else would too, right?

He meets Jungkook when he’s seven and the dark haired boy is just stumbling into age six. They click almost immediately, the younger clinging to him and staring up at him with wide, sparkling brown eyes as they run into the open fields until they run out of breath, collapsing in piles of daisies and thin grass patches.

One day when Taehyung rolls over in the daisy field they’re splayed out in, Jungkook is holding his hands out, smile brighter than ever and when the elder glances down there’s a daisy chain contrasting brightly with the pale skin of the younger’s hand grasping it.

“Princesses usually wear crowns” Jungkook mumbles and Taehyung can see the faint pink dusting across his cheeks when he leans forward and places it atop the elders head.

Taehyung doesn’t quite remember ever being happier than in that moment when Jungkook ducked his head away, always so shy, as he grinned brightly because just last week his sister’s friend’s mother had told him he couldn’t be a princess like the other little girls, he had to be a prince because little boys were meant to be princes, but here Jungkook was, indirectly telling him he could be anything.

Taehyung will never forget the moment he had pulled the dark haired boy in for a hug, sobbing loudly on the younger’s shoulder.

“Why are you crying? Princesses aren’t supposed to cry.-“ His cries get louder at the younger’s muffled words.

“My hair” Jungkook grumbles as the brunette ruffles his hair with an affectionate glint in his eyes. He pulls back and smiles at the younger who’s too busy fussing over his ruined hair to notice, it’s nothing but tears and snot, and it’s a little wobbly, the smile, but it’s happiness and everything good, so it’s okay. It’s okay, Taehyung thinks, everything is okay because Jungkook accepts him.

Things only go downhill from there.

It starts when Jungkook is in the sixth grade, just entering middle school. They’re walking hand in hand to the park, ice cream cones held loosely in their unoccupied ones when Jungkook stops suddenly, yanking Taehyung back too when he doesn’t notice. The younger reaches a hand out, wiping away the excess melted chocolate from around the elder’s mouth, smearing his lip gloss in the process.

“Namjoon said boys shouldn’t wear lip gloss” Jungkook mumbles and it’s barely above a whisper, but Taehyung hears and he scoffs nonetheless.

“What does Namjoon know? He’s too busy up Seokjin’s to-“

“Hey!” Jungkook exclaims, wrenching his hand from the elder’s as he eyes him in disbelief.

“What? It’s true” Taehyung says with a shrug.

“Don’t talk about my friends like that” The younger huffs, but Taehyung just rolls his eyes, turning and walking away, but he doesn’t miss the frown marring the other’s face.

Taehyung watches Jungkook from across the crowded gymnasium.

He’s tucked in a little spot beneath the bleachers, it’s dark but secluded to his liking, and he can still see the younger perfectly. He’s playing basketball with Jimin and Yoongi, but he looks so out of it, like a robot and briefly Taehyung wonder if it has anything to do with yesterday’s encounter. He shivers then, as he remembers the feeling of immense, mind boggling pain as Kevin had stomped on his stomach, repeatedly until Taehyung was lying in a pool of his own blood.

Shaking his head to rid himself of the atrocity that was yesterday’s occurrence, he wraps his jacket further around himself, taking in the way Yoongi positions the ball in Jimin’s hands, the gentleness of it makes his heart warm slightly and he finds himself smiling unconsciously, but almost immediately it slips into a small frown, because of the unrequited feelings and the way things are. It’s obvious to anyone who really watches that the two care about each other, but Yoongi is the star player of the boy’s basket team, liked and praised by the whole school, who can’t afford to risk his popularity and future for Park Jimin, rookie but star player, class clown Jimin.

Yoongi can’t afford to be gay, but Taehyung thinks that Yoongi doesn’t really care about those things, he’s probably more concerned with Jimin’s wellbeing. It’s heart breaking, not being able to properly love the one you cherish the most, because fear of judgement and being shunned for who you ae, and Taehyung thinks he knows this all too well, as he watches Jungkook shake his head with a small smile  at the pair.

With only ten minutes left of the Physical Education class left, he pushes to a stand, ducking his head at the hateful glares he garners as he heads into the boys locker room. Surprisingly, it’s empty and he’s more than thankful as he pulls his locker open, stripping quickly so he can change. Void, aloof dark brown eyes take in his pale, bruised, and bloody, thinning body as he strips. A black eye, bruised cheeks, a split lip, purplish green handprints fading on his neck, and faint bruises on his ribs, and he smiles bitterly as he takes it all in, because this is Kim Taehyung now, a mess.

Footsteps catch his attention accompanied by excited chatter, so he dresses quickly, but it’s to no avail, because the footsteps stop abruptly and everything falls silent. Taehyung doesn’t have to turn around to know who it is, besides the fact that he can see the elder’s reflection in the dingy locker mirror.

“Well, look who we have here. You are aware this is the boys’ locker room, right?”  

He doesn’t offer a reply as he slams the locker door shut, shoving his gym clothes back into his gym back as quickly as he can. There’s a small pause in which he thinks, that maybe, the other will leave him alone this time, but this is Kevin Shin, and Taehyung can’t help but think the dark haired boy’s life revolves around making his a living hell because he’s a queerphobic .  

His back hits the bench with a loud bang as one of the other boys shoves him down forcibly. Biting back a whimper, Taehyung struggles fruitlessly, his gym bag falling from his hands as the boy pins his hands behind his back, a blonde boy coming to sit on his legs to prevent him from bucking up.

“Since you want to be a girl so bad, I’ll show you what real girls do”  

He only blinks once before two fingers are shoved into his mouth, hitting the back of his throat, as he gags, choking and trying not to puke all in one. He cringes at the salty taste invading his mouth as he struggles wildly, turning his head as far away as he can before hands curl in his hair, tugging and yanking his head back right. Tears well in his eyes as Kevin sneers down at him, the other boys snickering loudly, leering at him as he cries.

The sound of a zipper opening makes him panic, eyes widening as he realizes just what they’re going to do next, but he can’t let that happen. They’ve never gone this far and it’s frightening, so he bites down as hard as he can on the fingers twisting in his mouth, slightly relieved when Kevin yelps, cursing as he pulls his fingers back, blood and saliva coating the torn skin.

“What’s going on in here?”

It’s Yoongi, confusion evident on his face as he takes in the way Kevin’s pants are ped, face scrunched in pain as he clutches his bloody fingers, the two boys still straddling Taehyung while the others head to their designated lockers, trying to look as casual as possible.

“I said, what’s going on?” He repeats, voice firm as he eyes them wearily, more specifically Kevin Shin.

“Nothing” Kevin blinks owlishly at the blonde captain, “Just getting changed”

Taehyung rolls over, falling off the bench when the two boys stand, heading toward the showers. Yoongi stares at him as he dry heaves, but doesn’t say anything, just glares at Kevin one last time before leaving. They ignore him after that, stepping over him as he heaves and struggles for each breath, shaking uncontrollably, silent tears streaming down his life, and this, he thinks bitterly, is his life.

He hides in the boy’s restroom for the remainder of the day, shaken and afraid. Only when the last bell of the day ring, signaling the end of another horrific school day, does he finally leave the stall he’s been occupying. His hands are shaking, heart beating erratically, but once he pulls the door open he heaves a sigh of relief at the emptiness of the restroom.

His relief is shortly lived, however, as the door slams open, a blonde and brunette stepping in, glaring maliciously down at him.

“Kevin went home early, but he told us to finish what was started earlier.”

The roughness of the blonde’s voice makes him shiver as he scurries back into the stall, ready to lock it, but the brunette is faster, yanking the door open and barging into the stall. Taehyung almost stumbles over the toilet, but the brunette is already reaching out, grabbing the back of his sweater and forcing him to his knees.  

“Relax, it’s just a bit of fun” The blonde murmurs directly in his ear, making him flinch, and it’s the last thing he hears before he goes under.

He doesn’t struggle, he doesn’t fight, as they shove his head in the toilet. It’s humiliating, degrading, and he’s tired, so he holds his own breath, willing himself to pass out and they let him, keeping a steady hold on his shoulders as his vision fades.

As he blacks out, all he can think about is how he doesn’t want to wake up ever again.