((TW. Slight violence))

                                                                                            Prologue

                                                                                5 years before: Big Brother

                                        My life without you baby it's just hard for me to imagine

‘’You need to be more careful out there Seunghyun.’’ You admonished as you got out your first aid kit ‘’I’m running out of supplies to fix you with.’’

Seunghyun grunted and rubbed the blood that was leaking from his nose and smeared It across his cheek.

‘’I’m fine.’’

‘’Yeah, you’re fine, this time.’’

He didn’t look at you and continued to glare at the floor from his seat at your small kitchen table. You set the kit down on the table and pulled up a chair beside him. You went through the usual routine, pulled out the disinfectant, poured it onto a cotton bud, dabbed away at the cuts around his lips and then cleaned the blood stains with a wet wipe. Then you moved onto his knuckles, which weren’t as bad as his face was. A sign that despite his condition, he won whatever battle he’d got himself into. You cleaned them up and wrapped a clean white roller bandage neatly around them.

‘’That’s really not necessary.’’ He said as he examined his hands ‘’They weren’t that bad.’’

‘’You say that now, but what would you do if they got infected?’’

He reached out a hand to pinch your nose playfully.

‘’You’re only 15 you shouldn’t sound so grown up.’’

You pushed his hand away gently.

‘’Yeah well, we can’t help what we’re born to be, right?’’

Seunghyun smiled sadly ‘’Right.’’

You looked at him more closely. His jet black hair had grown too long and was flopping messily over his dark chocolate eyes. His tan skin was dotted with red cuts and scrapes, some faded and some fresh. But his most notable feature was the scar on the very end of his right eyebrow. Which he received after his mother knocked him down a flight of stairs as a child in a drunken rage. That was why he grew his hair out, he didn’t like to be reminded of the bad memories branded on his skin. When they were already trapped inside his head.

You sighed and stood up.

‘’You might as well stay for dinner. I’ve got some rice, soup and chicken left over from yesterday.’’

‘’Where’s your Mom?’’

You shrugged as you the stove to heat up the food ‘’I have no idea, I haven’t seen her in a few weeks.’’

‘’Why didn’t you say anything?’’ Seunghyun got up and joined you at the stove ‘’How have you been managing?’’

You couldn’t meet his eyes as you responded.

‘’I’m alright, don’t worry.’’

‘’________’’ he said your name ‘’Tell me the truth.’’

You ignored him.

‘’The rice is kind of hard now but if we mix it with some milk it should be alright.’’

You moved to go to the fridge but Seunghyun stopped you by grabbing your wrist.

‘’Look at me.’’

With great reluctance you looked at him and saw the barely contained rage in his eyes as his brows furrowed.

‘’Were you working for him again?’’

You said nothing and your silence confirmed it.

He dropped your wrist and slammed his hand down on the counter top with a loud bang.

‘’God damn it, I told you not to do that! Do you know how dangerous it is working for guys like them?’’

‘’All I’m doing is delivering packages to people, it’s not a big deal seunghyun.’’

He laughed incredulously.

‘’You’re doling out drugs to sleaze bags and- wait, let me guess, you deal them at school too? But that’s not a big deal? You could get suspended, arrested or even hurt by any of his customers, you do realise that?’’

You glared at him.

‘’You did the exact same thing when you were my age.’’

‘’Yeah well I was pretty big for my age, I could defend myself, it’s different. ’’ He paused ‘’So you’ve been here alone every night? Why can’t you just tell me these things so I can look after you!’’

‘’Because’’ you whispered ‘’You’re already in enough trouble as it is without me adding to it.’’

He crossed his arms.

‘’Don’t worry about me, I’m 18 now I’m a big boy but you’re still a baby, you need me.’’

‘’No’’ your voice trembled ‘’I’m fine.’’

‘’_________’’ He said your voice softly ‘’Don’t get upset.’’

Seunghyun pulled out a chair and sat on it before pulling you onto his lap and wrapping his arms around you. You pressed your face into his hair and sniffed in his sweaty scent. His arms were the only place that felt like home, he was the only family you had.

‘’I’m your big brother right? Your oppa? I’ll look after you.’’

He lifted your hand to his lips and kissed it.

‘’No more working for sleazebags, if you need money I’ll give it to you. And I’ll stay here till your Mom returns, you don’t need to worry about a thing, oppa is here.’’

And he kept his word. He brought home enough money to buy food and other essentials and made sure you were going to school and had stopped doing dodgy jobs.  He basically moved in and stayed in your Mom’s room every night. Some nights, when you had nightmares and would scream out for help, Seunghyun would come in and lie next to you. For that whole month Seunghyun meant more to you than ever before. He was always looking out for you and without him god knows where you’d be.

Then everything changed.

One night, when Seunghyun was out on a job there was a knock on the door. Obviously you weren’t dumb enough to answer but that didn’t stop them kicking it open and two men pushed their way into the apartment. Despite your attempts to fight them off they held your arms painfully behind your back and screamed at you to tell them where Seunghyun was, but you really didn’t know. They smacked you around and threatened to kill you but once they realised you really didn’t know anything they threw you to the floor and left.

You didn’t know how long you lay there for until eventually Seunghyun came home and found you.

‘’Oi!’’ he shouted and dropped to the floor next to you ‘’What happened?’’

He eased you up into a sitting position and you blinked at him, you were still incredibly dazed.

‘’Two men, they were looking for you.’’

His face paled.

‘’.’’

He held you tightly to his chest and his heart was beating wildly.

‘’Seunghyun’’ you murmured ‘’What’s going on?’’

‘’Nothing, it’s okay, Oppa will make it okay, I promise.’’

That night Seunghyun slept next to you again. His hand stayed entwined in yours the whole night so every time you woke up you felt him there. You felt safe but at the same time you felt sick, you knew something wasn’t right.

The next morning you woke up to a cooked breakfast made by Seunghyun who was sitting at the table waiting for you.

‘’Eat up kid’’ he said as you sat down ‘’Enjoy it.’’

You tried your best to force down the scrambled eggs and bacon but you couldn’t settle down. He kept looking at you the whole meal, as if to memorize your face and he hardly touched his own food.  Something was very very wrong. Why was he acting so weird?

‘’Do you remember, when we first properly met?’’ he asked suddenly.

‘’Kind of.’’

He smiled ‘’You were only four, a small little cute thing wandering around the parking lot on your own. I knew who you were, you were the annoying baby that had been crying next door and keeping me awake the past four years.’’ He laughed ‘’I wanted to toss you into a river.’’

You giggled ‘’Yeah, sorry about that.’’

‘’But, despite being completely alone, you didn’t look scared. You didn’t cry out for anyone and it perplexed me. I went over to you to make sure you were okay and you just grinned at me and asked if I wanted to play with you. Then after that you basically became my little sister. You meant more to me than anyone, you still do.’’

He stopped.

‘’Seunghyun? Are you okay?’’

He didn’t reply and remained quiet for the rest of the meal.

When you finished he cleaned the dishes then went into your Mom’s room and came back out holding a gym bag in one hand and a thick A4 sized envelope in the other.

‘’Seunghyun’’ you said perplexed ‘’What’s going on?’’

He went over and set his bag on the floor and the envelope on the table before taking your hand in his. He bent down slightly so that he’d be eye level with you. You never felt more like a child than you did then.

‘’Jagiya…’’

Jagiya? He never called you that before.

‘’I have to go away.’’

Your eyes widened and the world around you shattered into tiny jagged pieces.

‘’Go away? Why? Where?’’

He shook his head ‘’I can’t say, I’m not even fully sure yet, but I have to go. If I don’t, something could happen to you again.’’

‘’No.’’ you whispered ‘’No it’s okay, I’ll be more careful, I’ll do whatever you want, just please stay.’’

‘’It’s not my choice Jagiya, this is how it has to be.’’ He breathed in deeply ‘’I’m leaving you all the money I’ve been saving up in that envelope. If you’re careful it should last you a long while, at least until your Mom comes back or you get a job. A real job that is.’’

He pinched your nose, like he always did, and grinned.

‘’I’m going to tie up some loose ends and make sure no one comes near you again okay? And I’ll have some friends keep an eye on you. But I know you’ll be fine, you’re a tough girl, you can make it out of here the right way.’’

He pulled you against his chest.

‘’Just don’t ever be like me. Don’t get involved with bad guys, go to school, work hard and be good. Promise me okay?’’

You nodded against him as the tears poured from your eyes and your body shook with gut wrenching sobs. You didn’t understand why he was leaving, but you knew things must have been bad if he was willing to leave you. He’d never leave you unless he had to, right?

After a while, Seunghyun let you go and bent to pick up his bag. He cupped the side of your face gently and rubbed away a tear with his thumb.

‘’I’ve protected you all this time because I wanted you to live a good life. I wanted you to live.’’ His voice faltered and he rubbed his eyes roughly with the back of his hand ‘’So make sure to live, for the both of us.’’

You couldn’t respond, if you did you would have screamed and never stopped.

Seunghyun moved past you then towards the doorway and you didn’t dare watch, you didn’t want your last memory of him to be him leaving and never coming back.

You stared at floor for what felt like forever. Everything was silent, then, suddenly-

‘’Damn it.’’

Seunghyun rushed back to you and spun you around to face him. You didn’t get a chance to look at him before he hoisted you into his arms and pressed his lips against yours.

‘’I love you.’’ He whispered against your lips ‘’I really freaking love you.’’

He set you down, kissed you one last time on your forehead and just like that, he was gone and everything you’d ever known left with him.