Ah, I've been awaiting this topic. I would firstly like to say that I am black and anyone else who is black may highly relate to this. Any and everything you do can be taken as disrespect with black parents, especially black mothers. It makes for a very toxic environment growing up and a draining one. My parents got divorced when I was young (I'm not sure when) but I would visit my Dad on the weekends. I don't recall him giving us many rules. Just like we were free range with him which made us (I'm referring to my brother and I) mad when our mom tried to give us rules and told us no. As a kid, I often found myself being mad at my mom for all the rules and boundaries she implemented especially since my Dad wasn't giving any. Anyway, my dad and his whole side of the family were pretty loose when it came to rules (my cousins are/were wild) they basically controlled the household and were really disrespectful (hitting my aunts, cussing, screaming, slamming things). Eventually mom stopped letting me go around my cousins because it was rubbing off on me and they used to bully me. 

I stopped seeing my Dad and that whole side of the family when I was like 9. I got really sick and yeah, my dad just kinda left my life and didn't want to be involved with me anymore. 

Anyway, life was very strict for me since my mom was basically a single parent and I was a sick kid with very important needs. I didn't really get to go to friends' houses or even hangout. I was basically kinda stuck up under my mother and it has been that way from my age of 9 until even today (I'm 20 now). I have to say her and I have this very deep bond and I tell her everything (I told her when I lost my ity and when I started having and my roleplaying and fanfic writing). It's things that regular teenage girls do not tell their moms but I do. We are so close, I know a lot of things about her that regular girls probably don't know about their mom. I think things were fine between us until around the age of 12/13. I started wanting to become more independent and express my emotions and feelings freely. Often if I got into trouble, my mom would never let me talk back or explain why I did what I did. It was considered back talk and I would get into even more trouble. 13 was a very turbulent time for me (my best friend had killed herself and I moved away from all my friends and I had to give my dog away). That was when I guess I started to become "disrespectful" with talking back and telling my mom what I didn't want to do and such.

At some point, I started screaming "I hate you" to her and such. Our relationship just turned toxic and got proceedingly toxic throughout high school. I wanted my independence and freedoms to just be me. I was still being treated like a child and I was still being told no when it came to hanging out with friends and such. I used to just ignore her calls and go off with friends when I wasn't supposed to which led to more trouble and fights. Eventually, our fights turned sometimes physical and we would say some really hurtful to each other. Those words still stick in my head and I'm sure my words still stick in her head. Honestly by the black community's standard, I am the most disrespectful child ever and my mom has done no wrong. It's a draining cycle truly. I admit somethings were down right mean and dirty that I said but she gave it back so idk.

I managed to move out and I was much happier. Our relationship got better because I wasn't living with her and I was free but I moved back in this year due to life threatening circumstances with my health. From the people who try to fix our relationship... They say my mom and I are so much alike, that we bump heads easily. She's been shadowing me and controlling my life since I was 9 so it's probably hard for her to let go especially since I deal with illnesses and such. I just want simple freedoms and she takes them away. It's a very stressful and frustrating way of life especially since my Dad just bailed. My mom has been dealing with my illness and taking care of me by herself since I was 9 so it is hard and rough on her. 

Idk. 

I try sometimes but it is really toxic. I really do love my mom to death and it makes me sad when she is mad at me or feels like I don't love her. I just think it is time for me to live on my own and for her to live on her own as well away from me. We have been very absorbed in each other's lives, it is suffocating and we just snap easily especially with COVID and us being home and around each other 24/7. I just hope that we can heal and I can eventually move out soon. 

But yeah... 

Day 19 of 30 down! I am still feeling pretty low and depressed, I am sorry.

Tomorrow's topic will be cool.