Yeah it's been really rough to say the least but as said I'll keep it as brief as possible.

Last time I was on aff, I was posting about going through this illness.

Unfortunately, that same illness (Lupus) has gotten far worse than expected...

• Stil throwing up and can't eat
• Still having fever for months straight at a time. Sadly, my family and I legitly get excited if I'm only at 98.9°F which is just the borderline of a low grade fever OTL
• Migraines weeks at a time
• My body aches all over to the point where I can't control it. I cry and sob and twitch and my body jolts randomly from the pain.
• My body is constantly changing temperatures throughout the day. One moment I'm having chills to the point my teeth are chattering and my skin feels literally like ice when my family touches me. The next moment I'm so hot my clothes are totally drenched in sweat and my head overheats that I start losing consciousness.
• Some days I'm so weak I can't walk or move. My family has to feed me or help me to the bathroom
• I can't do any activities anymore without collapsing or hyperventilating within a few seconds to a few minutes
• My hands cramp up sometimes or twitch or my joints hurt and I can't use my hands or arms from the pain or from trembling too hard
• I have rheumatoid arthritis now so tbh I feel like a grandma and I hate it when everyone stares at me in grocery stores because I'm in a wheelchair and they look at me like I'm spoiled and don't need to be in one because I don't appear to be outwardly injured.
• I'm now having episodes of attacks because of my Lupus.
  • My body will shut down and be in severe pain that I just scream or cry aloud while my entire body trembles and jolts/twitches
  • I actually start losing my mind, my thoughts, and thinking process, and may lose consciousness..
  • I can't speak or I have trouble talking when this happens. I can't tell my family what I need or how they can help me. It's a constant battle of me deciding if I can handle the pain and such or if I need to go to a hospital asap
  • I get the chills and sweats. Sometimes I'm sweating despite feeling cold or I'm having chills even though I'm hot and sweating. ...Yeah idk either.
  • So all of that at the same time.. It's pretty stressful and lasts about an hour or more each time. If I'm lucky, then 30mins.
• Some medicines, medications, treatments, and all antibiotics have stopped working for me or my body rejects it.

For those who don't know, Lupus is an autoimmune disease that basically your own immune system attacks practically everything in your body. It is a complex issue and there is no cure. Lupus differs from person to person. Some people get kidney failures, some get rashes everywhere, some are more sensitive to sun or light and react - it all depends. It's mostly unpredictable what the immune system is attacking or will attack next.

Because of all this, I haven't been able to be online at all or rather I haven't been able to doing at all :/

Typing hurt my hands until I start shaking again. Merely trying to get my mind off Lupus has been a trial and thinking of my stories and such just gave me a worse headache.. so I had to quit.

I spent days sleeping straight which scared my parents like I was in a coma. I was just so drained with my body fighting itself 24/7. Other days, I lie awake in pain until I can simply pass out from the exhaustion.

Oh and yeah my laptop died so that added to not being online for decades OTL I can't use my hands often anyway so there wasn't a point in me suffering to fix it or beg for s new one so I just mourned the loss.. Once I'm better, I will attempt to reprogram it and get files back but until then RIP laptop ;o;

Currently, we have changed my medication increased the ones that work a bit, and we will be adding a therapy treatment.

Tbh I'm a bit wary.. I've never been through something like this treatment so I'm extremely unprepared and just telling myself it's just an IV. My treatment will be sorta like the process of chemotherapy or radiation therapy for cancer patients - except this treatment is specifically for Lupus. I believe it has no radiation but it is still very strong as such.

For now, I'm taking it easy and resting as much as I can without getting super antsy to be productive lol

As said, I don't plan on abandoning aff because I love you guys and I love writing. Obviously, I can't be online nearly as much as I used to be or respond in a timely manner. All I can say now is that I hope everyone understands and knows I'm sorry and that I love you guys and care with all my heart even if I'm not 100% physically here to listen and laugh and cry and fangirl.

If you want to contact me 0.01% more conveniently, you can add me on LINE. My ID: debaekyeolie

I appreciate all of our memories and I hope toward a future where we can talk normally again and share our stories and strengthen our friendships even further ♡

Please please be well everyone!! Take care always and hope everyone had a lovely holidays ♡♡♡

Note: If there's anything I can do to assist you or something I may do in return for forgiveness of my absence, please let me know. I am sincerely sorry for the inconveniences I have caused, the risen concerns, friendships, promises, and responsibilities I couldn't maintain, as well as all unmentioned disappointments and such. I hate seeming like a liar or fake person or someone who doesn't keep their word, but there is no way I can change anyone's minds if that is how I am perceived now. All I can do is hope you may forgive me and that all is well with all of you.

- Love always,

Your insane and angsty, Cherry