(This time it's going to be an actual blog post. About me. Really.)

((Honest.))

Dear readers;

Ah, the rule of three - you learn about it in school, you use it in speech, you read it in the great speeches and pieces of literature, you find it in art.

What is it about the number three that so enchants us?

I know y'all be thinking this is going to be some deep philosophical rant about who we are, but no.

It's not.

I did say, up there, that it was going to be about me.

Okay. 

Here we go.

-

So I was in the shower this morning, and I was thinking about you guys, and I realised something about the way I talk to you guys online - most of you probably think I'm really stupid!

I realised I probably sound like this stupid, hyper, over-reacting, very bubbly airhead.

And then, as I squeezed out some conditioner into my left palm to massage into my scalp (I know, I know), I realised I didn't care.

Maybe I didn't care because this Jayjay that wasn't really me was the Jayjay I wanted to be.

Maybe I'd been lying to myself all along that I didn't need a lot of friends, that I didn't feel angry at other people for seeing past me, ignoring me, that I didn't care if I truly died because no one would remember me.

Maybe I just wanted to forget.

I want to say that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being someone I'm not.

In real life, I'm optimistic, I'm a little bit bubbly, I'm happy, I'm comfortable, I'm up and down, I'm depressed, I'm moody, I hate myself, I love myself.

Only around my few friends I am so thankful for.

And here's my utmost thanks to FinnishGiraffe for being you. I don't know if you'll ever read this but I treasure all of my friends so much, especially if they scare me in Italian by whispering 'JYP' in my ear and wear Exo necklaces all holiday. You're a true friend and I have the feeling we're going to grow old together, screaming along to 'Bubble Pop', breaking ankles trying to dance like J-Hope, ruining our throats trying to sing like Taeyeon and landing in hospital trying to get abs like Jimin (ugh, that y creep!).I'm so thankful you're my friend, I'm so thankful we did Drug-Ed last year, I'm so glad the English version of Exo's Overdose exists, I'm so glad you understand me (even if I will never fully understand Bella A., but that's okay, because she's happy and you're happy and I'm happy.

We're happy.

But I don't think I'm ever going to stop being bubbly and optimistic and happy-go-lucky on here. I just don't want you to misunderstand that I'm being stupid, or an air-head.

I need to say hello and thank you to get2herheart, aka Michaela, because you're just so nice and understanding. I don't forget about you when I pray, when I see a photo of Sehun, when I read good books alone or when I eat half-melted ice-cream, pushing it around my bowl wishing someone was here.

I need to say hello and thank you to v-kookiee, aka Nayoung (or did you change it???), for being there. We don't talk much now because we're both busy, but it feels really assuring to know that whenever I press 'send', you'll read it and brighten my day. It feels nice, having someone to send y V spam to. That is, if I had y V spam. We have a lot of things in common and for that, I'm grateful. I'm so grateful you wrote that blogpost about needing a friend on KaTalk, I'm so grateful I have an iPod, I'm so glad it all worked out.

I need to say hello and thank you to PrincessVivi - we've barely talked and you probably don't remember me, but I was that one kid who sent you a message telling you not to give up. Long story short, thank you for making me smile. You're always going to be No. 1 author for me, no matter who holds a gun to my head or threatens to carve an amount of money in my arm, which leads me to -

Korey, aka Korekrypta. Hello and thank you. To be honest, you were one of the ones I was almost worrying about, I was so sure you thought I was some stupid airhead. And I want to say hello sister, thank you for being honest, and sorry for being fake.

I don't really have anything else to say, I've said it all.

Thank you.

-Jayjay