futile love by colours_



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 3/5
Conveys the story appriopriately, but probably even you have to admit it's not the most creative nor eye-catching title.

Description & Foreword: 10/10
I like that it's short and sweet, especially fits the one-shot story concept. No problem with the foreword.

Characters: 14/20
Donghae & Hyukjae are just a couple of ordinary boys in their awkward phase, trying to find a place they belong in the world.  They are relatable to anybody (reminding people of their innocent childhood & teenage times when the world is still not that complicated yet).  However, that's it.  They are not very distinctive (don't have much personalities).  Except for the word outcasted teens who are most likely introverts, I can't find any other words to describe them (ie. if they are outgoing, cynical, naive, etc.).  

Plot: 15/20
I love how the first chapters seem to mirror each other.  This is a nice, slice of life, short story.  Though, the saddness (angst feelings) and longingness of the first couple of chapters should have come out stronger (please see Description & Emotions).  However, the plot was predictable even by the end of the first chapter.  For example, I knew that second chapter would be in Hyunjae's perspective of the events mirroring that of Donghae even before clicking on the chapter (because I have done the same thing with one of my stories and have seen a few others done that before as well).  Also, before even to the middle of the second chapter, I knew Hyunjae was probably in a coma.  Otherwise, it's a nice read on a Sunday afternoon.

Flow: 3.5/5
It would be great with the last chapter goes back to Donghae's perspective instead of a third person perspective.  I can guess why you might want to leave the final chapter as a third person perspective, but first person perspective would have worked just as great for the final chapter.  In general, it's a sin to switch between first, second, and third perspective in a story.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 13/15
Not much glaring grammatical errors in general.  Just a few here or there which I'm sure you could have just give it a quick edit when you find the time.

[There was nothing wrong with that; we are both boys.] (Chapter One) Since there's a semi-colon [;] joining the sentences, it's more appropriate to write [...we were both boys] just to keep the entire sentence in the same tense.

[And it is a few days before my thirteenth birthday.] (Chapter One) This should be in past tense as he was talking about his past.

[I followed along and like him, I hated that encounter with the psychologist.] (Chapter Two) like should be liked just be in the tense.  A new sentence should start from I hated.

[It felt like he was finally wanting to be my friend.] (Chapter Two) Wordiness.  Should be [...he finally wanted to be my friend.]

[They did not know mine existence, or theirs.] my not mine.

[It had been six years and they has not change at all.] should be [...they have not changed at all]

[The person did not leave his name and yet, Donghae know who he is.] has not would have worked better.

Description & Emotions: 6/10
An appropriate use of italicized characters to differentiate the characters.  I think the first two chapters should express the feelings of saddness and longingness more (especially Chapter One).  I believe you were trying to express these feelings, but the writing style as it stands now does not bring out these feelings well enough.  You might consider incorporating some figuratively language to compare feelings instead of just telling it (somewhat) plainly.  The impact would have been stronger for the eventual happy ending. =]

Format (Graphics & Layout): 10/10
Nice, readable font.  Nice poster that fits with the story.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
Predictable, but nice read.

Total: 78.5/100 //B (+) 
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