r e v i e w t i m e :

 

t i t l e  (2/5)

 It described donghae and hyukjae's relations, but not quite focusing on the meaning I believe you were going for. How is there love futile? Futile, in definition, means "incapable of producing any useful result; pointless". Although in the end hyukjae had left, and was gone for some time, the way it was decsribed didn't protray a hate or 'unresultful' love, rather a longing. I relize that you will be adding a second part to this, but my question is, how will you further elaborate or express the 'futile' love they have? 

Besides the word futile, which can be easily over looked, I'm not sure if the title itself is that catchy or attention grabbing. Yes, your fiction does have romance, and love would be the first to think of, also combining the two words really catches your plot, but I fear people might over look it. It, to me, just seems not so bright. Maybe a synonym for love or another choice of the word futile could change that factor.

Although, I can see your thinking about it more than just spurting out a random phrase for a title, and restraining from using the words in your story was nice.

 

d e s c r i p t i o n / f o r e w o r d  (1/5)

It was very short. I would make it a bit longer next time, because it just wasn't substantional. All you had written was one sentence. When describing your story, try not to give too much away; this is a problem I see in most one shots. The shortness of the fanfiction brings a challenge at this part; something this short needs an even shorter summary without sharing everything, but for you, I don't think you'll struggle much.

 

c h a r a c t e r i z a t i o n  (4/5)

These characters developed a bit fast and in chunks, but I was holding back, on the fact that, in each chunk the characters intentions and personalities were expressed well enough, in paragraph progression, but well. For that you earned an almost perfect score; I applaud you, nice job.

 

c h a p t e r  c o n s i s t e n c y  (3/5)

There were many places where indents were used when you didnt need them. Not for the time changes but just for the regular paragraphs. Other than that your paragraphs stayed around the same length if not a bit longer. 

 

f l o w  (2/5)

It flowed well but chunky. At one moment it felt you were leading into something without finishing the thought, moving straight to the next topic. It was also a bit too fast. Try taking a bit more time to desricbe things before switching from the previous clause in the same paragraph, and let your sentences transition into the next. One thing that caught me was the lack of conjuctions, but I believe that could have been intentional.

 

p l o t  (18/25)

I enjoyed the way you structured it, even as you only used first person to describe events in the past. You did rush it a bit. Keep in mind that one shots don't always need to be the shortest of all fanfictions, and I think stretching this story out might be benificial. I'll be looking forward for your second chapter. Also, to add, the confusion between spirits and imagination was a great part to add to your plot.

 

o r i g n i n a l i t y  (10/10)

I haven't read a story like this before and it was written genuinely well. Thumbs up. I would love to know where your inspiration came from.

 

w o r d  c h o i c e  (4/5)

The certain vocabulary you included did spice up each sentence. It was a really nice choice and I would consider most of your words to be uncommon, for example, when you applied the word, "profusely".

Though I didn't mind it, you worded your sentences without conjunction, as mentioned previously, slowing the flow and tone of each paragraph. It did show a feeling of stillness or shock, as if, while telling us his story, he was starring off in one direction only.

 

g r a m m a r / s p e l l i n g  (15/30)

A couple of words were spelled incorrectly in paragraphs 3 and 18:

 

"He was strange because he looked just like every other kids in my neighbour, just so normal."

Neighbour should be written as neighbourhood, and kids shouldn't be plural.

 

"I l-like you too." He gave me a bashful smile, one that showed his gum."

Gum should, in this case, would be plural.

 

In paragraph 2, the part you had written, 'that day', had been used twice. In the second sentence, I think the sentence would sound better as, "sitting there starring back at me that same day.", just to reduce the redundency.

"I kept staring at the empty chair in the clinic that day. They didn't know that he was sitting there staring at me that day."

 

In paragraph 3 I think you should use commas around the words 'normal' and 'friends'.

"Too normal, compared to my other imaginary friends, as the rest of them actually had blood leaking out of one of their body parts profusely."

 

Paragraph 4 and 6, had a few mistakes; which should be corrected as followed:

"...when we asked for his name... Victoria was not  a  Korean..."

"They didn't just vanish... and it was all just part of my imagination... I started talking to him but never got  back  any response..." 

 

About your use of the word "relise", depending on your nationality, I wouldn't include this as an error. At first, I considered this odd, and followed by the reuse of the same word, towards the end, I took the time to research it just in case. I had found that in America, you would normally spell this as,"relize" and not "relise", as other countries would in parts of Europe. So, again, it all depends on where you're from.

"He was strange because he", used in paragraphs 3-5, was both interesting and repeditive. I don't know if you did that on purpose to convey the idea of how strange this boy was to the main character.

 

These were a few mistakes I wanted to point out. Your grammar was fine, although you some errors. There were also moments, as I showed, that you didn't use the proper wording or verb tense. Another tip I would love to share with you is, try not to repeat the same word in the same paragraph, let alone, the same sentence. Redunency kills the tone at times.

 

p e r s o n a l  e n j o y m e n t  (5/5)

I loved it! It hit me straght in the heart can't wait for the second one. The poster and background images were nice on the eyes. One thing, when posting your story I recommend you remove the text selection in the editing part, it'll lesson the chance of copy right. Overall, nice story and thank you for the chance to review it. Also, I'm sorry for the low score, but I'm sure when you finish it all, it'll be amazing! Continue to write.

 

t o t a l  s c o r e :  ( 64 / 100 )