I didn't write for attention, I just need to vent a bit....

Recently I've been doing alot of thinking about myself and I'm not happy at all. I'm only happy about who I am on the inside because I help people with my wisdom and give people my strength to move forward. I'm so disgusted when I look at myself in the mirror to the point where I haven't looked at myself at all in three weeks. I don't leave the house because I'm afraid of what people might see in me. I'm fat and ugly, that's just the truth. There's no confidence on the outside and I hate it. I've tried many things to get rid of the outside but I don't have no motivation to do so. I don't know what to do or how to start. What makes this even worse is that I know how all of this started.

Back in May when I had to break up with my ex, that was really rough for me. Yes I was the one to break up with him but he forced me to because he was always cheating and treating me like so I did what was best for me. But there's one thing I never did or got to do, and that was to cope with it. Immediately I went into my numb/survival mode. I forced myself to put these feelings away because it was easier, it hurt less, and I had to stay grounded. But what I didn't realize is that I needed to fall, I needed to cry myself to sleep, I needed to be depressed, I needed to be angry, I needed to feel all these emotions and the pain to cope and move on with my life. I felt even more ashamed because my cousin/sister was here when I did it, she seen me cry.

I HATE for people to see me cry, I consider it a weakness. I know it's not to you but to me it is. But in the end I realized she was still there for me despite my weakness and I could never repay her for that. Arisa if your reading this, thank you for EVERYTHING. We may have our little disputes and disagreements but no matter what I'll ALWAYS have your back. You been there for me when nobody else was. Our relationship is the true meaning of Unconditional Love and I will FOREVER cherish it.

I've met alot of wonderful people on here, you all are the BEST especially My Beautiful Monsters. Alot of you say, "If you need a friend then I'll be here for you" or "Gosh your so giddy and happy, nothing bothers you". Well you just learned what's really going on in my head. The reason why I don't vent to you guys is because I don't want you to judge me, most likely you won't but my mind tells me something different. I prefer to have friends from other cities, states, and countries because there's no physical contact meaning there would be no emotion or feeling in it. Basically no attachment, better way for you to understand. I figure that if I keep my distance then no one can hurt me plus people leave anyway right? See, I won't have to deal with the pain so this will be easier for me. I know that probably won't happen but do you see how my brain works now? Do you understand what I'm trying to say? No I'm not always so giddy and happy, as you can tell. I'm not a depressed person or an attention freak, I'm just venting.

So you see, I have no confidence in anything and everything I do. I don't even have confidence in my own writing. I just feel that I'm taking up space in this world. Yeah I can change the way I look but how? I have no motivation to do anything or go anywhere. Nobody is gonna wanna look at this fat girl walking everywhere, no way. I look at all these female idols and I can only wish I had their beauty. Will I ever be that beautiful? Will I ever look that good? Will people ever judge me upon my actions or just my looks? How do I get through this? How do I cope? Will the pain stop? How do I do this? All these questions and I don't even have the answers to them.....