SOOOOOO…

 

SO…

 

HONESTLY I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START..

 

SM HAS FINALLY RELEASED A STATEMENT REGARDING THE RUMORS ON LUHAN’s CONTRACT TERMINATION.

 

AND….AND… MY WORST, MOST TERRIBLE AND MOST HORRIFYING FEAR HAS BEEN CONFIRMED TRUE…

 

THE KKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (EXCUSE ME FOR MY LANGUAGE BUT I JUST  WANNA GET THAT OUT THERE…)

 

WHEN REPORTS CAME THAT LU HAN WAS NOT GONNA BE PRESENT FOR THE LP CONCERT IN THAILAND I WAS KIND OFF WORRIED. YOU KNOW THAT INSTINCT YOU HAVE WHEN SOMETHING IS JUST GOING WRONG?!!!! I FELT THAT…BUT AS LU HAN POSTED IN HIS WEIBO THAT IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS UNWELL AND SM ALSO SAID THAT LU HAN WILL BE RESTING AND WILL BE BACK PERFORMING IN THE BEIJING  CONCERT.  SO I PUSHED MY WORRIES ASIDE AND TOOK THEIR WORD FOR WHAT IT WAS SINCE I HAVE REALLY SEEN FAN VIDS WHEREIN LUHAN WAS REALLY SICK AND HIS EYES WERE ALL TEARY AND RED AND SO OF COURSE I UNDERSTOOD….THEIR HEALTH SHOULD COME FIRST AND FOREMOST.

 

WHEN THE BEIJING CONCERT CAME I WAS REALLY HAPPY BECAUSE LUHAN WAS PERFORMING AGAIN AND I LOVE SEEING NEW PICTURES AND FAN VIDS OF HIM AND EXO BECAUSE THAT IS PROBABLY THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE AS AN INTERNATIONAL FAN.  I REALLY THOUGHT THAT EVERYTHING WAS GONNA BE OKAY AND EXO WAS ON ITS WAY TO MOVING FORWARD. THERE WAS EVEN NEWS OF THEM WORKING ON A NEW ALBUM…SO I WAS VERY ECSTATIC ABOUT THINGS!! I THOUGHT FINALLY AFTER ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENED GOOD THINGS WILL COME AGAIN FOR EXO…

 

OH, HOW WRONG I WAS…

 

SO AS EXO MEMBERS KEEP DOING THEIR STUFF I JUST NOTICED THAT IN MOST OF THEIR APPEARANCES LUHAN WAS PRETTY MUCH MIA AND IT WAS NOT USUALLY THE CASE BEFORE RIGHT? AND ALL THE RUMORS OF HIM LEAVING AND CIRCULATING DIDN’T HELP….ESPECIALLY WHEN SM IS IN HOT WATERS THESE DAYS WITH: SULLI OF F(x) going on hiatus and JESSICA BEING OUSTED FROM SNSD. OF COURSE ANYONE IS GONNA GET SCARED.

 

WHEN THEY ANNOUNCED THAT LU HAN WASN’T GONNA BE IN SMTOWN CONCERT IN JAPAN. ALARM BELLS WERE RINGING IN MY HEAD! THINGS STARTED BECOMING FISHIER…AND THE RUMORS BECAME STRONGER THAN EVER!  SM SAID IT’S BECAUSE OF HEALTH REASONS…..HEALTH REASONS AGAIN?! IN MY MIND I WAS LIKE WHY?! I THOUGHT LUHAN WAS OKAY…HE WAS ABLE TO PERFORM IN THE BEIJING CONCERT????? SO HE MUST BE OKAY RIGHT…SO WHY CAN’T HE GO…??? MY INSTINCTS WAS TELLING ME THAT SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY WRONG AND THIS WAS SO NOT LIKE LUHAN. BUT OF COURSE FOR THE SAKE OF HEALTH I ACCEPTED THEIR REASON BECAUSE MORE THAN ANYTHING I WANT LUHAN TO  BE HEALTHY AND SAFE.I MEAN I RATHER HE REST AND BE ABSENT FOR A WHILE THAN PERFORM AND RISK HIS HEALTH.

 

 

THE RUMORS KEPT GOING ON AND ON…AND IT WAS HARD NOT TO BELIEVE THEM BECAUSE YOU CANT JUST START A RUMOR OUT OF NOTHING, RIGHT?

 

IT WAS THE SAME PATTERN! IT WAS LIKE KRIS LEAVING ALL OVER AGAIN…

 

BUT STILL I KEPT POSITIVE…SAYING TO MYSELF THAT UNLESS LUHAN HIMSELF AND SM GIVES A STATEMENT AND CONFIRMS IT THEN EVERYTHING IS STILL JUST A RUMOR.

 

BUT NOW….

 

NOW…NOW IT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED…LUHAN FILED A LAWSUIT TO TERMINATE HIS CONTRACT AS WELL…

 

AND I FEEL NUMBED…HURT…CONFUSED…ANGRY…A MIX OF EVERY BAD EMOTIONS A PERSON COULD FEEL!!!!!!

 

WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN? !!!!!!

 

KRIS LEAVING EXO WAS ALREADY A BIG BLOW. IT HURT…AND LEFT ALL OF  US FANS SO BROKEN. I ADMIT THAT EVEN IF KRIS LEFT IT DIDN’T HURT TO A POINT WHERE IT WAS TOO MUCH TO TAKE BECAUSE I LIKE KRIS, YES, BUT HE WASN’T MY PERSONAL BIAS…SO I COULD STILL PRETTY MUCH MOVE ON EVEN THOUGH I KNOW EXO WOULDN’T BE COMPLETE.

 

BUT NOW THIS….!!!!

 

 

 

LUHAN….MY ULTIMATE-ULTIMATE BIAS…!!!!!

THE ONE THAT I BASICALLY LOVE SHIPPING WITH EVERYONE? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO KAILU, HUNHAN, KYUNGHAN, CHANLU, XIUHAN…?

HOW COULD I READ THOSE FANFICTIONS WITHOUT FEELING SAD? WILL I STILL HAVE THE MOTIVATION TO READ THEM?

I DON’T EVEN THINK I CAN WATCH THEIR PAST MUSIC VIDEOS WITHOUT CRYING ANYMORE…

IT WILL BE SO HARD TO LISTEN TO EXO-M SONGS WITHOUT CRYING BECAUSE LUHAN... BECAUSE LUHAN HAS A VERY BIG PART IN IT AND I DON’T THINK ANYONE COULD JUST REPLACE HIM?

HE PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS STARTS THE SONG IN EXO-M!!!!

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO EXO? TO EXO-M?

 

IN MY HEAD JUST NOW I AM PLAYING THE TUNE OF BABY DON’T CRY AND BABY DON’T GO. AND IT MAKES ME ALL THE MORE SAD….I CANT HELP BUT CRY…

 

I JUST HAVE SO MUCH QUESTIONS AND SO MUCH EMOTIONS THAT IT’S HARD TO THINK CLEARLY…

 

IM SORRY THAT SOME OF YOU MAY THINK THAT I AM BEING OVERLY EMOTIONAL. BUT AS A FAN I JUST CAN’T HELP IT. LUHAN HAS BEEN MY ULTIMATE BIAS FROM THE START AND MY BEST FRIEND AND I REALLY GOT DEEPER INTO KPOP BECAUSE OF EXO.

 

SURE WE WERE BROUGHT INTO KPOP BECAUSE OF DBSK, SUJU, BIGBANG, 2NE1 SNSD, SS501 AND SHINEE…BUT EXO WAS THE ONE THAT GOT US CRAZILY INTO IT….FROM THE VERY BEGINNING OF THEIR TEASER PICS WHICH I THOUGHT WAS WEIRD AT FIRST BUT THEN I GOT HOOKED AS I LISTENED ALL THE MORE.

 

I AM REALLY ATTACHED TO THEM BECAUSE I WAS ABLE TO SEE THEM IN EVERY STEP OF THEIR WAY…FROM THE TEASERS WHEN THEY WERE FORMED…TO THEIR DEBUT MAMA…WHICH WAS LIKE A GREGORIAN CHANT WITH THE OPENING, TO THE A BIT OF EMBARRASSING WOLF…WITH THE CHEESY COSTUMES, CORNROWS…AND THE WTF CHOREOGRAPHY...?! TO THE FAMOUS GROWL WITH COOL AND SUAVE DANCE MOVES AND TO OVERDOSE..WHICH HAS MADE MORE ADDICTED….

 

BY ALL MEANS I DON’T THINK EXO IS PERFECT…THEY HAVE A LOT OF FLAWS AND CRINGEWORTHY MOMENTS…BUT STILL I LOVE AND ADORE THEM SO MUCH AND NO MATTER WHAT BAD THINGS OTHERS HAS TO SAY ABOUT THEM IM STILL ALL IN FOR THEM.

 

IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT THINGS LIKE THIS WOULD HAPPEN…I MEAN SURE THEY WOULD EVENTUALLY GROW OLD AND RETIRE…BUT I NEVER THOUGHT THAT JUST A COUPLE OF YEARS INTO THEIR CAREER THAT EVERYTHING WOULD BE LIKE THIS….

 

LOSING KRIS…AND NOW LOSING LUHAN…

 

I REALLY DON’T WANT TO BLAME ANYBODY BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY HAVE THEIR REASONS AS TO WHY THERE CANT BE ANY OTHER OPTION BUT LEAVING. OTHERS MAY SAY ITS BECAUSE OF SM AND THE WAY THEY TREAT THEIR IDOLS…MAYBE, MAYBE NOT…WELL HOW CAN WE EVER KNOWTHE TRUTH?…THE ONLY ONES WHO KNOW ARE THE PARTIES WHO ARE INVOLVED.

 

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO EXO NOW? TO LUHAN?

I GUESS IT WILL BE VERY HARD TO HAVE UPDATES ON LUHAN LIKE HOW IT DID WITH KRIS.

 

RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING IS STILL SINKING IN…AND I NEVER THOUGHT NOT EVEN ONCE THAT LUHAN WOULD WANT OUT FROM EXO BECAUSE IT FELT THAT HE REALLY WANTED IT BUT I GUESS THINGS CAN TURN OUT UNEXPECTEDLY…NOW I AM FEELING WHAT MY BEST FRIEND FELT…KRIS WAS HER ULTIMATE BIAS IN EXO AND IT WAS SO HARD FOR HER…NOW BOTH OF OUR ULTIMATE BIASES ARE LEAVING…HOW CRUEL CAN THAT BE…?!!!!!!!

 

 

I KNOW THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I CRY…NO MATTER HOW MUCH I CURSE… NO MATTER IF I ROLL AROUND IN AGONY THAT I CANT DO ANYTHING…and its hard just sitting and no being able to do a damn thing..THE ONLY THING I CAN DO IS SUPPORT LUHAN…AND STILL BE THERE FOR EXO.

 THE HARDEST PART OF ALL THIS IS NOT VEING ABLE TO SEE LUHAN IN MVs ANYMORE....NOT SEEING LINING UP NEXT TO KAI...NOT SEEING HIS SMILING FACE AND NOT SEEING HIM GOOF AROUNF WITH XIUMIN AND OTHER MEMBERS ANYMORE...THATS THE PART WHERE IT HURTS THE MOST.

IT’S HORRIBLE AND IT WILL PROBABLY TAKE ME A LONG TIME TO RECOVER FROM THIS BUT I CANT HELP BUT STILL LOVE THEM. LUHAN AND KRIS WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF EXO AND EXO WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF LUHAN AND KRIS…

 

I WILL JUST CONTINUE TO HOPE THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER FOR EVERYONE.

HONESTLY IT STARTING TO TIRE ME OUT. ANOTHER BLOW TO OUR ALREADY SHATTERED FAN HEARTS...

 

LUHAN, KRIS, EXO…SARANGHAMNIDA…I WILL ALWAYS SUPPORT YOU GUYS…IT HURTS TO SEE YOU LOSING MEMBERS…IT WILL PROBABLY BE HARD FOR AWHILE  AND I DONT KNOW IF I CAN CHEER ON YOU GUYS WITH THE SAME ENTHUSIASM I HAD BEFORE BUT IM STILL GONNA SUPPORT EVERYONE…AS BEST I COULD...

 

FIGHTING!!!!!

 

EVEN SAYING THAT IS HARD RIGHT NOW....IT'S JUST EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH...I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD TAKE ANYMORE...MY FANGIRL HEART HAS BEEN THOROUGHLY BATTERED AND BROKEN...

I KNOW THAT ALL OF EXO-L ARE GRIEVING AND DEVASTATED RIGHT NOW ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO HAS LUHAN AS THEIR BIAS AND THOSE WHO SHIP HUNHAN, KAILU AND ALL OTHER MEMBERS OF EXO SHIPPED WITH LUHAN. 

I HAVENT WRITTEN ANY FANFICS BUT AS AN AVID READER IT WILL DEFINITELY BE HARD, WHAT MORE FOR THOSE AUTHORNIMS....WHO MIGHT BE LOSING THEIR MOTIVATION RIGHT NOW...I JUST HOPE THAT EVEN THOUGH ITS HARD THEY WILL STILL TRY TO CONTINUE THOUGH I WOULD UNDERSTAND IF THEY STOP BECAUSE ANYONE WOULD LOSE INSPIRATION OVER THIS. 

LOSING ANOTHER MEMBER BUT IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT IS WITHIN OUR CONTROL...

I JUST HOPE EVERYONE ONCE AGAIN CAN PULL THROUGH THIS HURDLE NO MATTER HOW IT HURTS....