Knowing Thyself

            I kept asking myself, “Who am I?” Many times that that question came and went, perhaps until now, every time I’m alone thinking blankly. One time, I thought that I can never learn how to live not knowing myself. One time, I thought I can never know myself. I sometimes wandered if this question ever occurred to everyone. Or, if ever it occurred, did they even pay attention to it?

            I even wished that that question should’ve not existed! It’s really hard living your life when you don’t know yourself especially when you get to know someone and ask you, “Who are you?”

            On my own experiences, several times our teachers required us to write an essay about ourselves; all I had to do is to stare at the thin air and when I got home, I stood in front of the mirror and asked myself. “Is this me?” Then I turned back to write something on my blank paper. But after an hour, a blot of air can only be seen and a big question mark on my head.

            Over the time I’d been searching for myself, half of my heart kept sinking. I felt depressed instead of being determined. I might’ve just wished I could float in the abyss looking at the sky while the sun’s heat burns my skin. That could have been better, I suppose.

            Until lately after attending a mass, a word came unknowingly. Finally, I wished it’s true, an answer came. Every word that I realized came a tear. With my blurry sight, I looked to the white ceiling then closed my eyes. I kept on asking for forgiveness every time I pray, but I truly never repented. I concluded, it became the root of my thought that I was tied on my past.

            Perhaps, one time, I thought I could keep my heart as hard as a stone. I even tried to resist my sister’s pleads, but I couldn’t. No matter how I pushed her away, I still found myself giving up on her. I smiled in front of people I met outside but I just couldn’t even try doing it for her. I easily give in to what others ask but not to my sister.

            How hypocrite I’d been! I kept my thoughts saying that I am a strong person; I can never shed even a single tear for any problem that will come. The emotions that I’d been keeping just seemed to have earned in my chest until it suddenly exploded when I realized that I was totally wrong. I felt pain that I realized how numb and dumb I’d been. How it took me this far to kill my old self!

            After all, it can’t be anything but a joyous tear that started to fall from my eyes, and then a tear after the other. How lucky I am. I know this is not the definite and perfect answer to my question but I will keep on trying. No, I will keep on doing what I must in order to find it. The thing that can make me feel the real me.