Recently, I led the opening prayer during our flag ceremony. And never thought something would happen like such. Anyhow, I'm writing because I don't want to forget these memories which I know will be the source of my strength in the near future. What happened? Here's how.

I'm bustling my way to the school. Just in a few minutes, the bell would ring and I'd be running late. though, luckily, I caught up just three minutes before it was time. Though, what happened in those three minutes goes lke this: as soon as my friends saw me, they told me I shall lead the prayer and I actually hesitated.  But knowing my friends, I knew no one would volunteer to take my place. So I decided to take it. Although I can make my own prayer, I managed to ask our class president if she had something for a prayer. She gave me her pone and I looked for some until the bell rang. Although I found one, I became more anxious because I can't read the characters pretty much as the screen resolution wasn't enough, plus the fact that it was a print screen. If I'm going to read it also, I must have to change "I" to "we" which is probably according to my instincts. Meanwhile, as we were taking our lines, I locked her phone and tried to unlock it but there was a password. I didn't know what to do. I tried to go at the line where my classmates were but the president was at the gates, listing the late comers. I had to go back, not leaving my pals there, and shut the phone. I guessed it was really me that time. The national anthem was finished and then my turn. I felt really blank as the teacher handed me the mic. C'mon, I felt like I wasn't myself. 

I started speaking and then I stammered. What came next, I didn't know what to say, what or which words. I tried to open my mouth but it seemed I was gone for a while. I didn't really know but I ended up the prayer. i returned the mic and stepped back down casted. I didn't really know how to feel nor what to think. I can't possibly think of myself, right? I mean, I thought I humiliated myself. But on the other hand, gradually, the thought came to me that it was probably God's way to help me search who really am I.  

The fact, I thought I could speak english enough, I could stand and speak in front of the people without feeling my nerves. Furthermore, the time I hesitated praying is something, I believe, is not so pleasing; because I always thought that praying is not a hard task. I thought I was valorous. When in the end, I found myself incapable of doing what I thought. Thus, I refused to accept God's trust, I thought so. 

And it took me days to think and feel guilty about myself. Countless times that I kept staring emptily at the horizon, searching for whatever is there without anything in mind for any purpose, or just probably to feel myself. I had my tears out but inever cried. I just let my emotions out because I believe it'd somehow ease me up -- it was never wrong-- coz' all I can trust is myself. But still, I feel like I can't stand anymore. I feel shame or like walking on shame, or probably I'm just the one ashamed. I don't know. But now, I feel like I'm lost.

Although I still haven't got over it, I hoping and I pray everything should be fine. God makes His ways and I do trust in Him. It is to bring the best in me and in you.

I probably seem like overreacting but this is me, often times I keep my mouth shut but I believe I still have the right to let them out, at least.

(Unedited-- so many typos-- I didn't even bother looking at what I'm encoding. Really tired. God bless!)