I don't know. This may be the first time I'm writing something after all the things that has been happening... and I don't know who am I addressing this... really.

I take a deep sigh. I close my eyes as I try to keep my tears from falling. I listen to some music to get my emotions collected. I sigh, again.

Really, I don't know where this is going. But for weeks now... there wasn't a day that I didn't cry. When things were just really fresh that things were just finally beginning to settle on me... there wasn't a day that I didn't cry for at least three times. I can't really describe how I was feeling feeling those times... I was just overwhelmed with so many emotions... on the negative side of spectrum. And all I could do was succumb to silence... I just got too... too tired to even speak.

Maybe before that time, I was trying to hold on... alone... subconsciously believing that things will work out fine. But they didn't. The burden all came down to me... and then I broke... fell down to my knees and became a helpless trash. I don't know, but I just really felt lost. I don't know what I was thinking, my mind was completely over the place. And somehow, at the back of my mind, I allowed myself to be like that for some time. I allowed myself to feel the nature of being human... to be weak and to get by feeling all the emotions that could kill one's mind... one's self.

Perhaps... No... I mean... Maybe or just that... The reason why I am alive right now is because of God... the faith that I was able to hold on. Through those moments I wish I could end everything else, shut my world and stop feeling all undetermined emotions... well, it did come across my mind - to die at once... but God kept me. Despite feeling all the burden, I remained and still am. I couldn't be grateful enough to Him. I just couldn't be grateful enough that despite all these things, I believe and trust that there's someone always behind me....giving me the assurance that even if I completely fall, there's Him. I wish that such belief would completely settle on me... that it would overpower all the clouded emotions that block my view from seeing all the possibilities and hope. I sigh... 

I try to reminisce how I've come to know myself... a strong independent woman... despite all the physical and psychological circumstances that I've ever had and was able to claim that I was able to get through them... life won't stop dropping bombs after bombs... they come in different forms and they just come to the point of impossibility to be understood. Well, tides can take you to unmeasurable lengths... as for me, I went to the extent that I lost my enthusiasm on all the things I really used to do, like and value... my emotions were... are so fresh to me that tears... crying became a normal way of breathing and residing in silence became my escapade to keep me living. Regardless of the praying moments I've had, yeah... I had those, too. More than so... the only time I get to talk to people is when I regain a little bit of my sanity... but after that, I'll feel the same painful feeling and I can't get used to it... it tears me every time as though I had stored a barrel of water for me to cry out as much. 

And there's also this thing... I felt all alone... not even my friends could probably feel how terrible I was feeling. It was just me and my head... and I felt so restless though I cry to sleep, reside in an unknown world for even more than 8 hours... As much as the tears I have before I sleep, more tears come out as I wake up and realize that I've got to live another day... there seemed... still seems an endless war on my head that somehow... I wish I could sleep forever and never wake up to feeling these emotions again. 

I question... why am I so strong to have been given this kind of life? I smirk... Really Suji? Coz' you know, as I look into the horizon and see other people's lives... they've got little problems compared to me but they get so down, feeling emo and all... somehow, I just couldn't stand it when I, myself, am in my own dilemmas. But when I am on my rationality, yeah... indeed, while we experience different things, while we feel different things, while others are given more and others are given less, we're not indifferent from each other. But yeah really, strong alcohols goes to strong resistances. As pebbles get carried by ants, boulders get carried by giants. 

Truly, mental health... it's something not be underestimated. Just because there's no blood oozing from the head doesn't mean it's nothing serious. The constant battle to live lies on it... it's all in the mind. I cannot say more...No words might be able to suffice the feeling unless experienced but one thing is for sure... I hope... that for you and me... let's not give up... let's not give up on ourselves and others... There's a better end to all of these... Keep thy faith, God knows what you're going through... Endure it; talk and listen to Him. Thank Him in everything more than as much as you ask for His providence. Life is beautiful gift, live it, love it.