Once in my life. I wanted to start everything on fresh note. Like the death note. Write my name down and start anew. Forget the past and unhappy mistakes. The wrong and the right that I made. I wanted to really lose it all. All that defines me to the world. To be a granddaughter,daughter, niece, slibling and an aunt. That is who they said I am. How much can I hold myself in. Hold the person and be like a human being. Perfection and imperfections.

If I had songs define what stage I am in now, it would be "The Pretender" by Foo fighters and "All Of Me" by John Legend. I always told myself..I will hunt down every single pain that others cause my family. Especially my mother. If you dare to hurt my mother's heart, I will make you feel 100 times worse. If you do more than worse, I will kill and torture you. I don't have a life in my world. I already know the length of how long I will live. The exact years I will live. I hold in too much human beliefs and deceptions. I forgotten my purpose. To die and re-live life again and again. Each time it will be the same monopoly that we will all run. No different than holding in useless beliefs to have us stand in this place to be united, to not kill each other. To be a friend not a foe to all. But is this a belief that we know and preach about.Happen?

Holding in what? Life, beliefs , Love or what do need indeed. Ask yourself people. What are believing? What are the things in the book that says it's you? What can make you change? Why do I have to hold in things for others?

You know why people like me die young. Those who can't get to our step will chase us till they get it. But when they finish chasing what they want...I will be dead already. And they are just people who and running. Running for a blank piece of paper. A blank piece of paper that spoke nothing and no meaning that if there's a meaning, they won't understand it too. I hold in pain, anxiety and burdens that no one wanted to carry after their deeds.I want to find out what can you people do...Do for the world. What part do you want to be in? What can you do? Graduate. Find a partner and get married? Buy a house. Send forth you love ones to death. Have children. Enjoy life? What are this criteria's that hold you down like me? I feel fear down.The heart pumping of my nervousness. I will not surrender. I will not surrender to either good or bad. I can never be part of either sides. I can no longer find myself in anywhere but just to.....

Hold in.