For those who have read my previous blogs, well, it's about that again. The only difference is, I'm being bitter about it for fair reasons.

This girl that I love came to me and asked me a month ago if I'm mad at her because I seem to be avoiding her. The question came out of the blue because I don't remember doing anything like that. Of course, I told her, "What? Why would I be mad?"

And after that, I talked to my friend. Let's call my friend N. I told N about it and even N was shocked. N told me then that she could have just misinterpreted my actions because I'm actually someone who doesn't really approach people. Like if you're my friend and you're standing in front of me, I wouldn't say a thing to you unless I have something to say or you have something to say. But all my friends know that. Even SHE knows that. 

That's when it hit me. 

I thought I'm okay. I thought going along with our friendship as it is would be the best thing to do. I'm not fine. Nowhere even near that ing word or any other word synonym to that. It really really when you're in a ty I'm-in-love-with-my-best-friend-who-will-never-love-me-back situation because you don't know where to position yourself anymore. 

And later, N kind of had a thought that maybe she's trying to reassure that I'm still okay with her being all over this guy in school. It's the most unbelievable idea that I've ever heard and at the same time, it's true. I can't deny that I feel uncomfortable when she talks about him, but my normal actions doesn't instantly imply that I'm being a miserable person who doesn't want her presence around. It's not like everything I do revolves around her. Although I'm just assuming this, she's making me feel like it. Like just this week, I'm talking with my seatmate about Krystal when she greeted me and I smiled back and went on listening to my seatmate talk then she just said that I'm being cranky towards her. N was also sitting next to me and we're both like, "WTF!". 

Oh, that's not even the end of it. 

She's always flaunting her adoration to this guy that she really really likes, when I'm just there, obviously hearing everything or worse, she says it right in front of me. And she knows that I have feelings for her because I told her.Oh god, just because I said that I'm not expecting anything and all I want is to be an honest friend and that I'm fine with it because I know she's not like me and that I just really want to tell her because it's eating me up, doesn't mean that she can just overlook my feelings and toss them away and step on it. 

As a decent person that she is, she could just at least be considerate of people's feelings. I'm gonna ask you, if you like a certain person but she doesn't like you back and that same person shows off to you how much she likes another person, would you be fine with it? Well, I am not. It's like reality is getting thrown right at you over and over and ironically, it's the person you love who does that. 

I know I'm in no place to tell her to stop talking because who am I to tell her that? All I could do is put up a fake smile and laugh a little. Guys, please don't suggest that I should just walk away or something so I wouldn't witness any of that. I tried, but I can't and it's all because of that former scenario above. I'm not even doing anything and yet, she already thinks that way. What more if I already do what she thinks I'm doing?

I know that loving her means that I should be happy for her decisions. I am. I really am, but I would be lying if I say that I'm not hurting. Everyone knows that. 

So I tried to fix things (again) by compensating and you know what happened? Someone told me that she thinks I'm trying to send signals to her. And I'm just....asjdfsadfalsdjfhafj. So I can't care and show concern anymore as a friend? Seriously, what does she want me to do?  

So I came up with a choice. I started doing what she thinks I'm doing in the first place: avoiding her and I also started acting like she's not there. I just speak to her when she speaks to me and that's it. I don't care anymore. I'm freaking tired with all of these. I thought dealing with this is over, but damn it's not. I know I'm being wrong and selfish but I've been selfless the whole time that I don't even mind myself having to do such things just to keep this friendship the way it is, to stop her from thinking unnecessary thoughts. Fine! She wants to think that I'm mad at her, then so be it. It's a total waste of time proving things when she's twisting everything. So for those who commented that I should just keep my distance until the feelings are gone, I regret not doing that. And you know what, it's better this way. I can handle coping with the agony, pain and misery and all the other destructive feelings. 

It's even quite annoying that there are a few of my friends, telling me that I should just move on. Yeah, sounds easy for them because they don't know what it's like that even if you try so hard to push it down, you still wake up in the morning with those feelings tagging along and following you every time and everywhere. I really want to hate her but the moment I see her each day, I always realize that I'm still in love with her.  

The worst of all is, I can't even blame her because there's only me to blame for confessing and for putting her through all that.

p.s I'm really sorry for this rant.  I hope you guys understand.