My, my, little child.
Do take your time flourishing
for I shall take mine.
Things will hurt and you will cry,
but again, you shall arise.

- sum.c
 

This suddenly appeared in my head, while thinking of some things:

If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

- Philippians 2:1-4

I've been hearing people say being a Christian must be easy. Well, it's quite the opposite, actually. As a follower of Jesus, we have to reorganize our priorities. We do not live in the 'me first' mentality anymore. Personally, it's a struggle. Especially that I grew up as an only child, and everything I needed was given to me. I hate to admit it, but I had my share of being spoiled.

When I was younger, it was easy for me to apologize, even if it wasn't my fault. Forgiving was easier, too. But then, somewhere around high school, something happened, which made me think, "Ah, not all things can be fixed by saying 'sorry.'"

Hm. That must have been it. Knowing my sincere words got rejected for so many months (I fear rejection), hardened my heart. It was around that time, when saying sorry became difficult for me. And I began to forgive, but not forget.

Scratch that. Seemingly forgive, and not forget.

These things, and more, caused me to build a wall around myself. I'm a pretty sensitive kid, and I dislike getting emotionally hurt the most. The strain it puts in me, is too much. But here, in my Christian walk, I seem to be getting that kind of pain a lot. And I swear there are days when I stir in my bed, not wanting to get out of the house. Not wanting to talk to anybody. Even to God. But do you know what overwhelms me the most? Whenever I mope; whenever I sulk and cry and have this pity party, God doesn't seem to listen to me.

Pretty much, it's like this:

"God, I'm a worm!"

"Summer, stop being a muppet. I made you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I know you more than anyone in that world you're living in ever could. And I swear you are not a worm."

"But I made another mistake..."

"That won't be the last. And I will still love you."

"I just don't think I'm up for this. Dad, why am I here again?"

"Because you'll need this in the future. Carry on, daughter of mine. My grace is sufficient for you. Just trust me."

It's a series of questions. Of doubts. Of fears. Of selfishness. But God doesn't see those things in me anymore. Because I am His righteousness through Christ Jesus. I am taking hold of that statement. You see, I am a closet perfectionist. I have a messy side of me, but there are certain things in my life that I want to look pristine. And I've to admit, at the beginning, I wanted my walk with Christ to belong in the latter.

But the more I grow in Him, the more I realize my walk is far from clean. I stumble. I keep on doing this crazy balancing act, only to fall in His arms once again, and hear Him say, "When I told you I got you, I got you. Here, I'm holding you, see? It's a tough ride, but I won't let go of you."

I make mistakes. But do you know what's amazing? Over, and over, and over again. His grace picks me up. Yeah, I messed up. Yeah, I didn't do that correctly. Yeah, I didn't treat that person the way I should. But I'm grateful God doesn't dwell on the mishaps I've created. Instead, the Spirit urges me to focus on Jesus again. To return, return, return, to the very root as to why I am doing what I'm doing in the first place.

The amusing thing is, even the Gospel in itself is messy. Jesus was seen hanging out with the marginalized. The tax collectors, es, lepers, and more. He loved them, and gave them hope. That's the kind of legacy He left us.

I don't know, but just being reminded of this kind of love God has lavished on me, how can I not share it? It's too good to be true. But it is. It is true. That is why, if I can show His light by breaking my protective walls down, so be it. Because it isn't about me anymore, but about Him.

I completely digressed from what I'm supposed to say, but I guess I just needed to jot things down for my head to be sorted out again. Things have been happening left and right. If you're still reading, let me give you a hug.

I hope you have a nice day, lovely.