what if…it was not his choice.
what if it was necessary.


what if he just had to face this alone.

not the excuses of no choice that everyone is arguing about. not the necessary that everyone’s been bringing up on in twitter, but another necessity. a necessary necessity. it was a necessity thought over long and hard. on quiet lonely nights alone as he watched over everyone asleep.

something that stops a mid-20s man in his tracks to reassess his life and do the most unthinkable thing for the lives of those he loves because it was necessary before he hurt those he loved most even more…and that includes the eleven brothers.

i’ve read the relevant news updates. and i’ll keep reading them as they come by.

i don’t see any wrong from both sides…yes, they are in a cold state of misunderstood silence, the impassioned feelings. the hurt. but neither him nor the eleven were wrong. their reactions were…what many call “collateral damage” whether fact or speculated. but what’s clear is at this point, all i see is a swampy management of mismanaged communicative sensibility and disastrous response system from an established agency that had known of this from months before hand, but ignored it’s symptoms.

but what hit me was his health.

he’s clearly unwell. internally. not the kind we could see.
not a flu or a pox.

but quite evidently bigger, that it had to be kept secret. that he would have a pounding pain on a short rest and his twin towering brother was stopped from revealing it with a hushed finger on his lips to keep quiet because it’s pointless. just pointless. that he would be touching his chest looking elsewhere trying to breathe alone and only his brothers would notice coming to him but he’d shut down their concern by hugging them playfully instead.

that he preferred to keep it to himself and deal with the management about it than leave it to his brothers to worry about. that somehow maybe, evidently his needs were somehow neglected because everything else where more important.

and it’s true. the twelve was more important.

a new song. a showcase. a comeback. and so he stayed silent, not allowing any further unnecessary worries to his brothers but still persistently asking for a chance to be taken seriously by those who were responsible for him. his management whom he dealt with directly as a leader. and seemingly, those needs were slowly but surely beginning to take troublesome toll, enough to eventually be ignored by the management. why? who know. maybe it’s because such conditions would trouble the others. or maybe for being too costly and timely to allow a chance and not taken seriously as the other brothers’ hurt and injuries were of a kind that were easily dealt with in days compared to his own condition.

but how would a worried mother feel? a mother sitting and waiting on the other side of the world? a son of her own who no one else cared about but herself? for a mother nothing else matter but the well-being of her child. and to sit back and watch this mess rise up, to see her son be called names, hated and still keep the more crucial problem to himself…she would rather him come home and be taken care back to himself again.

there were signs of a heart problem. or at least the photograph i saw indicated that it was meant for those with cardiac problems. from last year. or it might have been longer. but, it seemed to have gotten worse. and not that it was anyone’s fault. how would you blame anyone for someone’s heart condition? was it his eleven brothers’ fault? no.. his physical condition had always baffled me. that he played most skilfully in basketball that it was enough for me to know he had used to practice regularly in the past, but then he’d still be drained when exercising or doing anything else. maybe he was just not bothered with anything else but himself? maybe, who knows. or maybe it came with the condition and it stayed as a vague secret.

he would give his all to the other eleven.

he cared not just like father but a guardian that didn’t need the name to prove himself. he stayed in the sidelines and only shone when others brought notice on him. he smiled lovingly to the brothers who loved him dearly and grinned knowingly to the brothers who knew him well. including the one who called himself “fearless”.

and then the disappearances happened. the travels that seemed like just plain holidays, but why must you celebrate your new year mulling over results on a hospital test diagnosis. and after that long silence, his latest update was vaguely encouraging and only mildly telling. he was always the kind who’d stay silent when not asked but would clearly articulate matters when he had the opportunity, otherwise, he would just  allow the perception of others over him seep in. a kind where those most easily misunderstood by society, no matter what was done or said like me would understand. but here, it was more placid? his natural calmness, with a touch of zen shone through, an undertone of peaceful acceptance was there. he doesn’t mind being misunderstood by the masses and seem to have privately forgave anyone who’s put him on the pedestal for all that time.

selfishness and betrayal.

those are just words that blame and erase someone’s proven personality…to darken someone’s love and be blinded by one cold act.

he was never the selfish one.
he just had an untimely handsome selfish face.
but look close, the seconds on his own, when he looks away, when he touches his chest thinking nobody’s looking and you see his hidden pain.

maybe it was a mistake to have allowed the events to unfold this way. but it seemed that he knew it was going to happen anyway.

and he was ready for it.

a loyal man does not back down from his words and promises, unless he had no other choice.

a generous man, who wisely lives a generous life will only be selfish when he takes a step back from others so they would not know of his pain and not need to know his sufferings any more than those that he knows of theirs.

a true man would never betray his brothers, unless he is ready for the abandonment and the realities of it. he would allow his brothers to believe that they were betrayed by a selfish soul, and he won’t bring up the days in the past when he loved them and cared for them dearly,

because he know each and every one of them well.

because he knows it’s human and that they will soon understand.

and because he knows, they’ll remember him for who he really is: their beloved brother.

his words today. it doesn’t seem like he’s giving up.
it seemed like he’s sacrificing something bigger for the eleven others.
and he doesn’t mind being crucified for it.

i’m forever a VIP…
but EXO touched me from day one.

we may have to go on with our lives as this goes by.

it will be a long arduous process we’d hate to see but we’ll learn and grow up from by learning about ourselves through it. we’d go to class. work in the studio. we’d finally know the results of the case. we’d buy their songs, watch their movies. meet surprising new friends from other randoms who love EXO no matter what. cheer for them when they get their awards. we’d celebrate new year. see them meet up and reconcile. get a speeding ticket. graduate with honors. get a job. fall in love. get married. have kids. and watch their reunited concert.

but they’ll always and forever be EXO.
because it was not just a marketing idea.

for these twelve brothers, EXO was their unbreakable destiny.

pray for Wu Yifan.
pray even harder for his health.
pray for the eleven brothers to keep their faith in him, even if it may hurt them.
pray for EXO.

and pray for the twelve of them,
that no matter how long it takes…that one day, just one day the constellation will align again; to let them bow together in front of the waiting galaxies of stars again. <3