Okay. I can't think straight now and really need someone to talk this out with. But considering this isn't a matter that I can talk freely with people from my real life, so here i am (I actually talk about the same thing in my tumblr post too)...

I came out as a biual roughly a year ago in front of very few people. My theraphist, my theraphy groupmates, my boyfriend (now ex) and my mom (but I think she didn't take it seriously and treat it like a phase of mine, just like my depression)... I was never the type who had bigoted bones in me and I treat people based on their personality rather than their background, gender or uality. I'm quite open about my acceptance towards tranuals, gays, lesbians and what ever come after that eventho I never told my friends that am one of em. Not even my bestfriend whom I've known for over 11 years now.

I've gone out with one or two girls and stick with a guy for 4 years before we decided it's not gonna work out between us (but it got nothing to do with my uality, my ex boyfriend was the one who notice my preference towards my own gender in the first place and he's totally okay with it). It felt more natural with a guy of course, but to be honest, am a lot more comfortable with female.

I just not really recently broke up with my boyfriend, we had a lot of on-off relationship and during those time, I fell in love with one of my groupmates. I can't even tell how much I love her. It might takes forever just to describe her personality and just don't let me go to why I love her. My love was reciprocated (she's the one who confessed actually) and we've been so in love for almost 4 months before things got really bad for both of us and she chose to go (refer my post, I lost her, if you wanna know bout it).

Roughly not long after that I officially broke up with my boyfriend (He already wasn't mine at that time and so am I) and up till now I never had any relationship anymore. She was all over my mind and you can say, when she go, she took my heart with her. However, I still find myself attracted to people, especially females. One of em is my classmate, and we spent quite a time together because am not good with people and she's the one who came to me and we got kinda attached together. But I think we're just friend. Just that she's a bit special coz am fond of her.

Now, here's the real deal. As i mentioned before, only a few people know bout my ual preference and my bestfriend for life isn't one of the few. But recently, she's been hinting me a lot of time as if she know.

She keep saying that she would marry me if I don't find anyone after my ex boyfriend (she didn't know bout my girlfriend). My bestfriend, lets call her, Ave.

It's not like I don't trust Ave, but ridiculing people on the name 'as a joke' is her nature, and she actually mock me a lot due to my openness over LGBT issues. I have depression, anxiety and panic disorder, so I definitely don't want her to be the cause of those things over me. Ave is a nice girl, it's just she's a bit narrow minded, of course, due to our surrounding where gays are a big taboo. Am an asian.pfft

but Ave become more tolerant these days with my drawings, and my stories. I draw lots of guy-on-guy/ and some girl-on-girl implication, she used to hate it a lot but not anymore. And just today, she sat next to me and read a book called 'KELABU' or Grey. It's about a girl who acted like a guy and got herself a girlfriend with so many twists. It was a great book to be honest but it's in malay language. Ave looks like she was so enjoying it without no hint of disgust at all. And then she said to me, 'you know, maybe now I can understand a little'...

I was like, 'understand what? that book? gays? me?'...

I can't ask her what she truly meant. If its true she's suspecting me as one of them on the border, asking that question is like confirming everything. What if after that, she's disgusted with me? won't befriend with me anymore? spreading it in the whole campus and tell my other friends bout it? and lot more possibilities.

I probably can't live anymore after that. Maybe I'll just follow my late girlfriend.

So right now, am really torn apart. I don't want to tell Ave bout this side of me because am afraid of the possibilty it will ruin everything but in the same time, what if Ave already knew and she's waiting for me to come out to her? What if she's thinking that I don't trust her and doubting the friendship we've build after 11 years together?

Seriously, this thing has been hurting my head so bad. God, I really don't know what to do.