Title (11/15):

I was caught by your title. I just had this problem: You have to choose just one title, or else, people will be confused. I highly recommend “Without a Trace” because it has that cliffhanger in there is really cool and even thought a hanging feeling in a title seems a little cliché to me, your story really suits that feeling (oh god I think I confused you--) because when I read the “Voodoo Doll” title, well, that is cliché. I mean, there are many song names used as a title and it gives out a lot about your story.

 

Description (4/10):

Ugh, I’m so sorry. I don’t like giving those little points because I feel bad but your description bugs me a lot… I’ll give you some reasons:

1)I am against using images in a story. It drains out the professionalism in it, it looks weird and sometimes it loses the feel of the story. Like, putting happy-cutie-pie-oh-so-pretty photos on an angst story. No, no.

2)I am also against using different colors in the fonts for exactly the same reasons up there in the 1). Especially fluorescent colors because they are harder to read and it can stress your reader.

3)I don’t like when they make those little “facts” about the characters. It would be better if you captured the whole idea in a neat paragraph, therefore, your readers won’t get tired of trying to find the text. There are real readers that do that. Really.

 

Foreword (+0)

I can’t add you any points because your foreword isn’t about the story itself, but more like an Author’s Note.

 

Presentation (8.5/10):

When I talk about presentation I talk about the poster, the background, the lyrics size, color and font, the paragraphing and the separating lines/dividing chapters.

 

First one is your poster. And… you don’t have one. So let’s ignore this one and the background.

 

 I am happy that you didn’t color the lyrics at all! And the font –Georgia, I think so.—is by far my favorite font because it’s classy and easy to read. But I had to take away 0.5 points out of your score, because capital letters are bad. See, when you want to enhance a certain thing or signal that someone is screaming, it looks better if you:

1.Use italic font: “Don’t touch it!”(Takuya’s words)

2.Use bond font: “Don’t touch it!” I personally love this one when I want to make some dramatic enhancing, but it works beautifully when people scream (I never thought I would use “beautifully” and “scream” in a same sentence…)

3.Add the action at the end of the dialogue: (My favorite option) “Don’t touch it!” Takuya screamed.

 

Spelling/Grammar/Usage/Mechanics (10/15):

I ran your story through a pair of mechanic grammar checkers and I found some errors:

 

“She had collapsed in this alleyway 2 hours ago.” Now, this looks completely right, doesn’t it? The point here is that you should use letters when it’s a one-digit number (e.g. two)

“A tall man with shoulder lenth hair approached.” You ate a letter. It should say «length»

“He starting to rub the doll's hair, and Hyunmi felt a hand her own.”This verb is wrongly used. You should have written «He started»

 “. He let go as soon as the boy's eyes roll back in his head.” If the last word after the substantive is a verb, it must be in singular form «He lets go»

“You know, you could’ve been as lucky as Hyunmi.” It is better if you don’t unite the text in bond «you could have been» same with “they’ll return” because this is writing, not speaking, and it may not be accepted «they will return»

When a sentence starts with “And…” it is better if you put a comma after the “And”. That way it would be easier to read and have pauses.

“Kim Kibum, who goes by Key, leaned against a wall, smoking a cigarette. he smirked as the short, muscley man approached him.” Capital letters after an end of sentence «He» and muscley isn’t a word. You must refer to «muscled».

Replace Korean words with English one’s or eliminate them for your text to be more readable. Annyeong to Hello as an example of the previous suggestion. (Even though most of the k-fans know these basic words…)

“Two missing persons reports. as of 10 a.m.” I think it would better if it said “Two missing persons reported. As of 10 a.m.”

When writing a stuttering, don’t use space «I-in my dorm…» When writing a warning as in “You better have” use the verb «had». You better had read this whole thing, sweetie. And I forgot to say that if you have a number (Does not includes the 100+ numbers) as first word of your sentence it should be written [in the stars] in letters «Ten minutes»

And that’s all for grammar and spelling and all that things.

Aside from that, it was clean.

 

Writing Style (39/40):

I am in love with the writing style you show here. That crude and at the same time descriptive style is what makes a story special. I suppose that you feel really comfortable with your style, don’t you? When the story is way ahead of this point, I would love to see how your writing style improves too.

 

Flow (18/20):

I’m not really a fan of one-lined paragraphs (Inside Devil aka my Conscience— you always use them…) when they are dialogues because I get distracted easily and don’t know who’s talking… So if you could add any actions as in «XXX said» «XXX asked» etc. it would be great for distracted readers as me.

 

Characterization (20/20):

And… congrats! I really loved your characters and I’m waiting for the interactions between the others (Or maybe I just really shipped that Siwon+Takuya)

• Idol (10/10):

Dang you are awesome, writer. You just ruined my vision on Siwon. And, I can’t get over bad Jinki, Key e and everyone else. You. Just. Ruined. My. Biases.

• OC/Original Character (10/10):

Now, it is more difficult to write and create an OC, because we tend to let it fall into the grounds of stereotypes but you managed it just right. Caspar, as an example seems really interesting to me—maybe later he could be explained in a more descriptive way—(Criminal Minds…)but since he isn’t main I’ll go with the main OC: Hyunmi! Well, I didn’t saw that much of her, but her reaction was realistic enough as to fit in the human-not-a-robot category. And that photo with Jongdae seems like a normal student.

 

(Still can’t get over the Takuya&Siwon)

Plot (58/60)

• Comprehension/Believability (19/20):

Okay let’s be honest. You can’t make witchcraft believable easily: That’s the reason why it is sorted as a supernatural activity. But I really see the believability in the detectives collaborating and searching the missing people. (That’s what they get paid for) And I assume the story will get more comprehensible as it advances.

• Originality/Creativity (20/20):

Yoo-hoo! We finally got to my favorite part, the Imagination section. The Plot is really important (hence the capitalization) because it defines our story almost as the characters itself. Your plot is interesting and good for the same reason it is less believable… And now it gets confusing. Your story is really creative and interesting, because the combination of detectives and witchcraft or supernatural is always awesome (always as in when-people-remember-you-can-do-that). So… thumbs up right here! Unity (19/20):

Your plot was well-written and it didn’t jump from one place or time to another. So I’ll send congrats to you here too. And it was understandable that you craved your way in different scenarios, but if you want a tip, focus on single sceneries for each chapter. Make them suffer with that cliffhanger.

Emotional Reaction (+5):

God, you just destroyed my whole SM image. I got shocked in some parts and I cracked a few laughs in others. Even I, the “I-read-all-angst-action-and-that”, liked the story and I don’t really love things like… this.

 

Overall Impression (9/10):

Your story was really good for my liking, since I’m not that much of a reader when it comes to horror things. I would recommend you to:

1.Write your texts in Word and then run them through a more precise spelling and grammar checker (like SpellCheckPlus).

2.Do remain in classic. It makes them go crazy.

3.Have fun while writing!

 

Final Score: 91.25/100

If I was too little harsh or this was too long, please tell me. And I’ll subscribe to your story, Ciao! --ZBabyz