Title (12/15):

The title is original, I like it. Now, at first I was thinking about what a train could have to do with the story, but once I read it I found the sense in it. I’ll have to point out something: symbols, in your case the “~” are incorrect. Outside of normal punctuation marks, symbols shouldn’t be used; therefore I will subtract a few points.

 

The length of the title is alright, but “~the beginning~” is quite unnecessary since you already explained that the story is about how the characters fell in love with each other.

Now, I didn’t expect a lot of the story, because the title makes me a little bit uncomfortable, so I’ll go for the next thing to evaluate.

 

Description (7/10):

The description lacked a lot of things. For example, since it is describing the story itself, it should tell a little bit about the story. Now, I know that your story is quite short (three chapters) and it’s supposed to be read (I think) after "It's Raining Today and I'm in Love", but there are a few things you could have explained or added, for example, something like this:

 

“Hangeng and Shin Ae fell in love. But… how did they fell? Hop on the Train of L.O.V.E and discover the love over the rails.”  It would talk about the characters, their current status (aka in love), and introduce a bit about the things your story talks about. Let’s move on to the next section!

 

Foreword (+4)

“… but she didn’t had any choice since the place she was doing her practical was located far away from and her house, and public transport is the fastest and cheapest way she can travel to that place. But still, she hate it as she need to wake up early in the morning and she had to stay in the train crammed with other commuters for almost an hour.”

 

 These are the only errors I found. As you can see, the verbs in bold are in present (is, can, hate, need.) but the underlined ones are in past. I noticed that your text in general was in past, so this would be the fixed version:

 

“… but she didn’t had any choice since the place she was doing her practical was located far away from and her house, and public transport was the fastest and cheapest way she could travel to that place. But still, she hated it as she needed to wake up early in the morning and she had to stay in the train crammed with other commuters for almost an hour.”

 

There was also a little typo, which I signaled with italics. (The “and”.)

 

Presentation (8/10):

When I talk about presentation I talk about the poster, the background, the lyrics size, color and font, the paragraphing and the separating lines/dividing chapters.

 

First one is your poster. It is pretty simple, but I don’t get the vibe of the story. The colors are a little bit off; because (and this being my personal opinion) the story is a romantic semi-comedy and it needs more lively colors.  Now, as I will like to quote from “The Interactive Graphic Community: Tips & Tricks” by MusicChibi, kimxbb and tamagie, «…make sure to use the colors that clash in a way they balance or go together…» which means that the poster’s palette should combine in a nice way. The colors are a little bit too dark for the genre of the story, and it gives out a little air of laziness. (I just want to point this out, but I know you didn’t did the poster)

 

 I would also like to point out the separating symbols in chapter one. (“<><><><><><><>”) like I said before, symbols are not meant to be used for anything but punctuation. Everything else was correct. (You didn’t have a background…)

 

Spelling/Grammar/Usage of mechanic instruments (9/15):

I ran your story through a pair of mechanic grammar checkers and I found some errors:

 

 “…He didn't open his eyes even when she accidently bumped on his legs when the train start moving again.” Once again, this verb is in present. It should say «started»

“The guy name, she found out, is Hankyung, a Chinese living in Korea for a few years already. After getting to know him, he wasn’t a bad person at all.” Change it for «The guy’s name. »

“…They stop in front of the door…” Since you’re writing in past perfect it should be «stopped»

 “…And as far as she notice, she was waiting for the train alone that day.” Past. Past. You’re writing in past. This repeats many times in the text.

“…Today is last day doing her practical, and she will get a two weeks holiday before her semester start. Thinking of it made her happy and sad at the same time. Happy because the practical period is over, sad because it also mean that she would never meet Hankyung again.” I’ll correct this one:

 

“…Today is the last day doing her practical, and she will get a two-week holiday before her semester starts. Thinking of it made her happy and sad at the same time. Happy because the practical period is over, sad because it also means that she would never meet Hankyung again.”

(And yes, this is a long review.) Aside from that, it was clean.

Writing Style (35/40):

I like your writing style. It’s simple, sweet and easy to read. But (I always have a “but”, don’t I?) I felt like it didn’t have any specific style in it… I understand that this is your first fan-fiction and therefore you haven’t decided your actual writing style, but I want to point out that the further you get in the magnificent world of writing (as I call it) you will get a more precise writing style. So, I can’t really judge this one. I find interesting that your dialogues are the most important thing in the text, since you have less descriptions. That may help you with your writing style in the future.

 

Flow (18/20):

Your flow was good. It had some weird parts, like the transition between the second chapter and the third one. I was wondering on how many time passed from the start of her practical and the end of it… Outside of that, it flowed coolly. And the paragraphs were well-organized.

 

Characterization (15/20):

So…. Here I have another problem. I don’t know enough about the characters, and that is a problem, because the less I know about them, the less I understand them. Now, knowing too little about a character makes him/her a 2D person. You know what a 2D person is? Perfectly plain! It has nothing that can make us identify or imagine that person in the real world, and that is really, really bad.

• Idol (8/10):

I can’t really judge Hangeng because he isn’t the main character; and since the narration is not concentrated in him, it makes it harder. But here we go:

What I get from Hangeng is a pretty straightforward person, since it’s not easy to go around saying “Would you go out with me?” without losing your head a bit. He likes to joke around and make the girl blush, throws compliments out of nowhere… You get the point. This makes him a little bit cliché.

• OC/Original Character (7/10):

Now, it is more difficult to write and create an OC, because we tend to let it fall into the grounds of stereotypes. This is what happened to Shin Ae… she turned into the perfect fictional girl: cute, blushes easily, has some crazy ideas (I laughed for a good time after she threw him out of the train), is childish, gets nervous constantly and all that. The only important characteristic I can remember about her is that she is doing her practical and she is Hangeng’s love interest.

 

The interaction between both of the characters was cute, thought.

 

Plot (52/60)

• Comprehension/Believability (15/20):

Like I said before, the more cliché your characters are, the less believable the story would be. Why do people don’t simply fall in love immediately and these “people” do? It also had some strange points that confused me like: Why would Hangeng take her seat like that? I mean, he may be a joker, but I don’t think he’s mean. I wouldn’t fall so easily for someone I just met in a train.

• Originality/Creativity (19/20):

Yoo-hoo! We finally got to my favorite part, the Imagination section. The Plot is really important (hence the capitalization) because it defines our story almost as the characters itself. Your plot is interesting and good for the same reason it is less believable… And now it gets confusing. When it comes to believability, this story misses a bit. But when it comes to originality you aced it! I wouldn’t imagine a story of two people that know nothing about each other falling for each other (Inside Devil aka my Conscience –Maybe because you write angst?) So… thumbs up right here! I would put you 20/20 but the characters ruin a bit of the originality of the plot.

• Unity (18/20):

Your plot was well-written and it didn’t jump from one place or time to another. So I’ll send congrats to you here too. I already included the only error I found.

 

Emotional Reaction (+5):

I really liked the fluffy and cute end, the interaction between Hangeng and Shin Ae and even the eccentric placement of the story. Even I, the “I-read-all-angst-action-and-that”, liked the story.

 

Overall Impression (8/10):

Your story was okay for my liking, since I’m not that much of a reader when it comes to romantic things. I would recommend you to:

1.Write your texts in Word and then run them through a more precise spelling and grammar checker (like SpellCheckPlus).

2.Use a “.png” (an image with a transparent background) to separate the different parts of the text, or to add an extra space to indicate a new section of paragraphs.

3.Have fun while writing!

 

Final Score: 69/100

If I was too harsh or too long, please tell me. It was my first published review. --ZBabyz