I would love to be patient, but I just won't wait
I'm getting sick and tired of the smile that I fake every day
I would love to speak my mind, but I can't think straight
I would love to feel alive again, but I'm not used to change - "Sleep" by Citizen

Hello aff :)

It's me. It's currently 12:22 am and I can't sleep. Probably cause earlier I fell asleep while listening to Baek Ji Woong's ( 백지웅) album. I don't know much about him except for that he released his first mini album which I think is titled "I Miss You". I recommed listening to it cause it's really good :)

/sighs/  

I think I'll take this time to talk about some things...I'll tell you a lil story and if you keep reading, promise me you'll keep this secret between us, even though I'm putting it on here. Usually I would write it in my journal but I can't risk someone finding that and giving it to my counselor or my mom.

So...yesterday I came home from University for Winter break. I took two train and almost 4 hours to get home. That doesn't include me walking almost a mile to get from the train station to my house since no one could pick me up...I had to walk along a highway (kind of highway by the suburbs) and the sidewalk disappeared so I started walking in the snow which was past my ankle. Did i mention I was carrying a backpack, a small suitcase, a violin and a pacsun shopping bag? yeah I had a lot with me and I had to carry it all, reason why my arms hurt right now. But back to the story.

A lady, I mean a mom of four gave me a ride cause she saw me walking and didn't want me to get hit by a car while I was walking past a corner that's a blind spot for drivers. She even gave me her drivers license so that I wouldn't be scared. Honestly I was scared but I accepted the ride even though before I refused several times. I guess I just wanted to get home. She tried to speak to me but I could barely say anything. She couldn't even imagine that I was a college student because I looked so young hahaha. After a few minutes she dropped me off at the corner of the street where I lived on and I said goodbye. She was nice I admit but for some reason as I walked home...I thought about turning around and walking away.

When I finally got home, my brother and sister greeted me but my mom couldn't even come down for a second to see me because she was too busy folding clothes. (Thanks mom, I'm fine and alive. A bit cold and sickly but don't worry I can still go back to college after break). She did give me something to eat a while later but when I went upstairs and laid down to rest. 

I cried.

I cried because when I was thinking about just turning around and walking away earlier..I also thought about what would have happened if I had not taken the ride from the nice lady. Would I be hit by a car? I didn't even mind if it happened. As I laid there in my brother's room in the dark, I wished I was hit.

Yeah, you read right.

I wish I was hit by a car.

Then I wouldn't have to come home and face my mom, and my siblings.

Did I mention last week was finals week and I was so scared?

yeah, and grades come out this weekend.

I never showed or told my friends how scared I was for my exams. One exam in particular: Biology.

If I didn't pass that class I would automatically be no longer in the pre-nursing track at my uni and do you know how upset my parents would be?

They would be devastated. I'd rather die than see them like that. 

Lately I've been thinking of death a lot and I've realized that I'm no longer scared of it. I used to be. I hated the thought of dying because I'd be leaving so many people and things behind but now I could care less. I think everyone else would have a better life without me. I'm a burden. This is the first time I'm telling anyone that...well I've said it on ATRP but I've never said it to anyone else. Not even my counselor who is always so nice to me. She always asks me "How are you feeling?" and I always tell her that I'm not okay and we talk about everything. She always tell me I'm always so stressed out and pressured by so many people. I guess it's true. 

I haven't even told my mom that I see a counselor frequently now. Probably cause I don't want her to worry about me or know I'm like this. I wouldn't want her to know the reason why I've become like this. On the outside I'm still the happy bee she knows but inside I've changed. When she's not around I'm no longer the happy bee. No one notices the difference cause I'm good at acting I suppose.

/sighs/ 

I have to go. But if you've read this. Thank you for reading.

Bee