Turning 17

Hey ~

On December 5, 1996 - 17 years ago - I was born ... (lol what am i doing...)

Anyway, coming to the point: my birthday is nearing its end and I don't know, but getting older just makes me sentimental, so I am really in the mood to write a blog post. About the day, about my thoughts, about the world, and mostly about time. I actually wanted to write a letter for myself, but before I have written 100 words with my hand, I'd already have put away my pencil anyway. I prefer typing, seriously.

 

You see, the reason I actually disliked the fact that my birthday was approaching and that I hated it when anyone talked about it, is that I just dislike that my birthday just marks the day I officially turn older. For it just emphasises how quickly time passes. And how brief everything is because once I turn around, I am 17, 20, 29, get married, get children, grandchildren, die. 

 

I know, this thought is ridiculous for a 17 year-old to have, but I can't help but hate how each year just passes in a blink of an eye. Even though a lot does happen in one year, it still passes so fast. I really hate everything that shows us directly that time has passed, from a clock to the calendar to birthdays, etc. Because I feel that next to the order they bring to our society, they also sadden people like me. Because having the fact that you are indeed older in black and white just makes it so much more real. I know that I, for sure, wouldn't always get such thoughts if the terms "day, month, year" didn't exist. I think I'd be more carefree if I wasn't aware of such things. 

 

Weirdly, there aren't many people who think like that. Whenever I talked about how I don't want to turn 17, most of my peers told me "yeah, I know, 17 is so unnecessary, you don't have more rights than when you are 16, but you're not an adult either". No. No. No. That's not it. I don't care about what I am allowed to do. It's got nothing to do with the "17" either. It has something to do with time, life and death. But I usually end up not bringing it up again because barely anyone understands this.

 

Everyone I know tells me I'm crazy to fear time as a 17 year old girl. I know some people are 40, 50, 60 and older and have less to live than I do (if we all die naturally), but to me, it doesn't change the fact that 17 years of my life have already passed. It doesn't change the fact that each day I wake up, go to school and live through my daily routine and before I realise it, weeks have passed, months and then years. 

 

Don't you just hate the feeling of seeing how the month is almost over and then how even a whole year has passed yet again? Because I can't help, but be aware of how little time we humans actually have and how close death can be, whenever I am reminded that time passed. 

 

However, I have realised a few other things today.

 

Firstly, I am not growing older by just turning 17 today. I have already grown old in this one year. By living through day after day, by realising little things each day, by experiencing little things, by simply being in this world. Actually birthdays are unnecessary, but it's not like you turn older that day. Truthfully, at heart I am already much older than my age anyway (I feel like a grandma and my friends and family tell me so, too).

 

One shouldn't think about one's age so much because that itself doesn't make a difference. It's not as if yesterday when I was still 16 I'd been more immature than today anyway. But yesterday and my first day as a 16 year-old are worlds apart because 363 days of living are between them. And I think a lot changed in this year. I can't remember every single day, but I know that each day has left an impact - be it small or big - in my heart and has made me the person I am today.

 

There have been ups and downs, depressing days and carefree ones, changes and many thoughts and realisations. It's been one heck of a year, and I know I'm nowhere the same as back then. No one is. 

 

And now with EXO's Miracle of December playing in the background and increasing my sentimental feeling, I will end this post / letter to myself:

 

Whatever it is, also in this year of life, I want you to do your best.

Accept the bad days, embrace the nice ones.

Make new experiences, learn, realise, grow.

Focus on the positive, avoid the negative things.

Let out your weird thoughts. Feel better. 

 

That's it, 17 year-old Lina. Remember my words.

 

 

PS: I want to share a photo with you. One is today's sky and I think it's fascinating how much this sky fits my mood on my birthday 

It's soft and warm, but a little melancholic, too. Don't you agree? 

 

 

 

 

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Comments

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JanetR #1
Haha, I'm only 14 :(
taemintale2000 #2
I was just browsing through your fanfics when I stumbled upon this post... Oh my god I agree so much with you! I'm 15 but I am afraid of growing older. I am afraid of the responsibilities I'll have to face, and everything. I am the first out of 5 kids but it doesn't make me mature. Seeing my younger siblings makes me feel like a little kid too. I don't want to grow up.
And more than anything, I really fear death. I know death is inevitable to all living creature in this world. But I'm still scared. I am scared of growing old, and eventually die. I like crime stories and I love reading murder cases, I love reading articles about forensics, human body decomposition phase, and so on. Reading things related to forensics, taught me of so many things and opened my eye. But it makes me fear death so much. I feel really anxious thinking about growing up. I really want to stay young. But I know growing up is inevitable. Like it or not, I still have to face the reality. Sometimes, I even have thoughts like "What if afterlife doesn't exist and we're all just gonna die, and rot?" I feel really bad for thinking like that. It's a thought that I can't tell to anybody because it's contradictory to our religion. I've been thinking like this, and sometimes, I see myself as a skeleton. I feel sad because my friends are all impatient to grow up, but I don't want to grow up. My friends all think being an adult is fun and all, because we're free and there will be no school anymore. But I disagree with them. I always feel sad whenever it's nearing new year, new year means new spirit, but new year also means my lifespan is reduced by a year (and my loved ones' as well). I have crazy thoughts. Sobs. I can relate to you. SO MUCH.
EXOFANLH #3
I read Touch of Fear and was wondering who wrote this brilliant fanfic? I just happen to accidentally clicked your blog post and you made me realize something that i never thought about since I am usually a happy, cheerful person you made me realize that time is really really scary. i watched a recent drama " FALL IN LOVE WITH ME" and the actor Arron Yan.. i realised he was no longer the cute Arron i used to like as an idol

I wanted to PM you it said your wall was for friends only...
teenwolf29 #4
im 15, and I feel like really old. lol, I hate how year passed
Lizzie-_- #5
Sorry if I'm late, but happy birthday... (I hope you don't mind, Keke).
Getting older won't be that bad right?
Well, at least, we need to live with the 'Focus on the positive, avoid the negative things' principle. Don't you think so?
Having the chance to experience yet another year is a positive thing, a blessing if I would say.

Anyway, have a nice day...
sehunsmells #6
woah happy belated birthday authornim! your writing pulled at my heartstrings idek why *shrugs*
auxalia94 #7
I feel the same way about time get fly so fast. .I know what you felt. .I'm 19 n you are 17 but you are more mature than me. .
Happy belated birthday

P.s I'm playing EXO's miracles of december in the background too when I read your blog post
Mintminni3 #8
Don't worry, you're not the only one who feels that way. I feel that way all the time and I'm 15! If you think about it though, even if we could freeze time and stay the way we are now forever, we'd take it for granted and not make the most out of it since we'd have heaps of time. The way time flies so quickly teaches us to appreciate the limited time we have and make the most out of it. If time didn't exist, life would surely start to get boring.
Sorry if some of that didn't make sense, I find it quite hard converting my thoughts into words.

PS. Happy Birthday~! And instead of worrying about the limited time you have, try to make the most out of it! :D
ilovelionelmessi #9
Happy birthday, author-nim! Wish this year be as awesome as what you are!
nabilaputri3 #10
Happy birthday lina jie jie!i've been your reader since tof days.unlike you,i really want to grow up.but i agree with you in let out your weird thoughts because in everywhere,we supposed to tell our opinion to try making everything goes in our way
kintoun #11
happy belated birthday unnie ;u;
been your reader since hoi days and will always be!
sorry for the lack in comments and feedbacks
(although i think you get a lot of that already)
kekeke wish you all the best and gbu always!
fighting with everything! c:
paendeozilla #12
Actually that's not a uncommon thought but people (including me) rather to ignore that fact, people are always more comfortable with the idea of gaining one more year than the idea of losing 365 days of your lifetime... As much as i agree with you about birthdays being something quite depressing i think the most sad part of it is when you look back and try to see what have you done in the time that has passed, which for me was basically nothing, i was born, i was pained, i caused pain, i got fat and that's it. I didn't make any contribution to the world or to the people around me, and for me there's nothing more saddening and disturbing that the fact that when i die, the only things that will be left of me in this planet will be a dead rotting body and a faded memory in the mind of a few few people (or anyone depending of when i'm dying). That's like horrible, truly horrible. Kurt Cobain said once that "It's better to burn out than to fade away" and i agree i would rather to live a short yet outstanding life than a long but empty existence. But let's talk about happier matters, that sky photo wow just wow it's beautiful really, i love how the sky can take many forms and colors and one is never equal to the other, it's one of the most beautiful and amazing things in the planet, i think. but done with the blabbing! I just hope your day has been at least nice and that people gave you really cool gifts <3
kpop-maniac #13
Oh, and sometimes, weather really does agree with our feelings. I remember a few days ago, I was feeling light while going to school. I noticed two of my friends pointing and staring at the sky, and lina, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. Instead of having the clouds sticking to each other, making a few medium-sized clouds planted here and there, they were tiny spots sticking everywhere with holes in them. I was really close as to describe them as shimmering diamonds, from the beauty of theirs. Oh, and the sun, it was just in its perfect spot. The rays only stuck the lines of the clouds. How I wish you were there to see it with me. Watching the clouds above, I felt as if god just plucked out a painting from heaven and just decided to nail it on that bare ceiling of the earth as a gift to me. I felt truly blessed, staring at such a sight, but also feeling helpless, because I couldn't capture this sight on a picture from my camera or at least draw it. Such a beautiful tragedy.
It was also a shame, that I asked a few of my friends to look up, and when they did, they just smiled for a few seconds, before just looking down again. I truly sympathized with them, as they couldn't see the true beauty gifted in front of their eyes.
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