I just need to take this off my chest. I’ve been overweight most of my life and ever since high school I’ve been trying my best to lose weight so I didn’t have to hear people call me fat behind my back. I’m 164 cm and used to have 85 kg which means A LOT. I’ve been bullied because of this ever since I can remember and it got horrible during middle school when I considered suicide more than once. I’ve struggled to lose weight when I entered high school because I wanted to be accepted and managed to lose 10 kg by following a very strict diet which almost lead to anemia so I had to stop before I could reach my goal - 63 kg.

At the beginning of summer I weighed 70 kg and that was when, besides the dance classes I took and walking around 10 km every day, I started running. I’ve always hated my body and I’ve always been overly insecure which sometimes made people believe I was conceited or over-confident because I was giving them defying looks, when I was just trying to keep them away from me so they don’t see how weak I am. I’m afraid of people. I’ve always been, so this summer I tried to get a body that I wouldn’t be ashamed of anymore. By the end of summer, I weighed 63 kg… I had reached my goal and I can’t express how happy I was. I finally started wearing shorts and I got the closest I ever was to accepting myself. My friends congratulated me, because they all know how much I wanted to loose weight and how much I’ve cried about this.

Finally, I became more confident, I started wearing clothes I didn’t have the courage to wear before, I started becoming more feminine because I didn’t feel the need to hide before baggy clothes anymore and today, while running for the bus past a group of guys, one of them called me fat. Now I hate myself again. I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t brush off the feeling that I’ll never fit in. I’ll never be skinny enough for people to not be able to insult me anymore.

I just needed to tell this to somebody to take it off my chest, but I also hope that if any guy reads this, they realize how much some thoughtless words can hurt someone. How wrong it is to judge people by their appearance and how one word can destroy years of hard work.

Now my goal is 55 kg and I plan on getting there, so when I do I’ll finally get the chance to look s in the eyes and tell them to off whenever they dare to look at me.

So I'll just cuddle next to my dog for tonight and cry myself to sleep once again - after 4 years.