I haven't wrote a blog in a while, really I haven't been on aff very much, so I kinda feel weird posting this right now... but I gotta talk about it to someone, even if it's to someone who won't talk back. (be prepared for angsty Emi, for I'm feeling a bit... torn...)

back when I was a kid there was one person I loved, one person I thought I'd be married to... I think I told you about him before, though to you who don't know who I'm talking about he was my first love, my brother's best friend and he just... he shouldn't have my attention.

But I... I go and think I've got him pushed at the very back of my mind then all of the sudden he's brought to the surface. last night I had a dream of him, he was there, we smiled, we laughed, I felt that familiar beating of my heart as I looked at his gray eyes... and then he just vanished, and the things in the room we'd been in were all torn up and I spent the rest of the dream just staring at the ruins but still wishing he were there with me...

it makes me feel so pathetic, so pathetic that I care so much for someone who I know I'll never be with... but no matter how much I try he's still stuck like a tumor... or maybe a leech... I just wish, deep down, that I'd never met him, never let him make me smile... I wish my heart didn't beat so rapidly when I just see his face, hear his voice... it almost makes me hate him, hate him for sticking to my brain like Velcro...

but damn, I guess I like hurting to much to ever let him go...