Okay... I'm here to tell you all about my life. 

  I have like... five friends. One I'm really close to and doesn't have a bf, one has a crush on this guy but is too chicken to man up, one has a bf and we rarely talk now a days, one who has a bf but is a good advice giver, and one has a bf who i'm sort of close to but we don't talk much now a days.

  Today, the one who was too chicken to man up (I'll call her Cici), decided that she had no chance with this guy (I'll call him Toby). I've gotten close to Toby nowadays, he's like a best bud to me now, and like... he knew Cici liked him in Elementary before she moved away.

  He told me he thought it was cute and that he might end up liking her this year if he got to know her more. Well... Cici kept saying how she needed ME to help her in this relationship and how she didn't know what to do. She was afraid that she had no chance and she couldn't do it alone. Seriously, I helped fix her social life with him... I got a fever over it... I forced myself to stay strong throughout the day while being sick just to help her with this guy after school.

  In the end I just figured out, she didn't need me. And I wouldn't make anything better by being the odd person that's stuck in between them like glue. She was a big girl, but she didn't act like one. She acted like a child and a baby over it, and I was getting frustrated about all this.

 After I lectured her about how she should think about what HE feels about this and to stop thinking about her own feelings for a second. I told her that she's the one who likes him, and he's the one who wants to get to know her better. But she didn't want to let him. 

  And she said "If he wants to be with me, he has to know me better".

  I said, "If he wants to be with you, he has to gets to know you. And for him to get to you know, you have to let him."

 Toby told me that he wanted to get to know Cici better because he was afraid of getting hurt... due to previous relationship.

 So, to be fair I kept some things from both of them. Things that Cici told me, I kept from Toby. Things that Toby told me, I kept from Cici. If I just be plain obvious, it'll just rush things and I don't want that to happen, since they just reunited after... four years.

 Eventually, Cici pushed me to the point where I had to let out some important things Toby told me.

 That he was disappointed I told him she didn't like him (Cici didn't want him to know...AGAIN) and that I suggested he sit in the middle of both of us when we go watch horror movies... but I think he was planning on doing it from the beginning.

 He said he will probably date her if he got to know her better and Cici said she wants to give up because she knows she has no chance.

 She also said she felt bad, because of this girl that blushed and waved to him in the hallway when she and Toby were walking down the hallway, and she wanted to give him up because she feld bad.

 So after I lectured her MORE, I told her about how I helped our other friend (I'll call her Li) because she was suicidal about her own relationship problems... She's okay now, but like seriously... I helped her SO many times... and Li didn't even listen. 

 I wasted my time only for her not to listen and I get nothing bad but wasted time.

 With Cici, I knew the only thing I was getting in return was moral for helping I guess...

 I'm frustrated, exhausted and sick... I really want to cry.

 I have noone to tell this to... because I know most of them aren't mature yet to listen... and some won't even know what to do... 

 I wish I had someone that can just be there and hear me out...

 I know that this will probably not be heard, but I just wanted to pour out all my feelings.

 My self-esteem is low, I'm close to breaking even though I don't look like it... I'm breaking mentally and I'm losing it.

 If I told my friends this... they'd think I'm crazy, I need to rest, I'm just thinking too much or I'm delusional... You guys might think that as well.

 I don't know if it'll affect my writing or not... but I guess it's part of life.

  Being able to deal with it's it throws.

 I'm surprised I haven't gotten suicidal yet. But I know that I'm stronger than that. I was in depression in 4th grade and some time in middle school. I had noone. Even if they said they'd be there... they weren't. They were when I least needed them... and they weren't there when I needed them the most. It affected my attitute towards my family... and I adapted to a cold personality that I don't show people, because on the outside... I'm the happy-go-lucky, emotional, bubbly short, sweet, kind girl everyone things is so good... 

 But they should know... most of the nice girls you know... have a side to them they dont want to show. Even if they don't show it and you don't see it, doesn't mean that it's not there.

 I'll be proud of myself if I get over this... but if this continues and I start losing it... I won't know what to do anymore.

  Well... this is my little life so far.

 Sorry if it was boring. I just needed to preach it out.

 I can like barely breathe right now because of how sick I am and everything that's happening it just making me more exhausted.

 I hope some of my subscribers will understand that I won't be able to post for a while. Not a hiatus, but... just like the weekend to straighten out my ...

 Thanks for reading this far... I really appreciate it... Most people would finish the first paragraph and leave. This is just a blog I want to let my feelings out to so I don't explode when I hold it in.

                                                                                                                                                  -Quiettears.