I wanna be popular. I WANNA BE POPULAR. No, no, maybe not popular. I wanna be a performer. A stage performer. Performing in front of thousands of people, thousands and thousands of people who will give direct feedback in the form of clapping or shoutings. 

Maybe not thousands. Hundreds are enough. A roomfull of people that will cheer for my performance. 

I really regret how late I found my love, it was only a few years ago that I fully realize the thrill of performing. That's ironic, given that my first 13 years of age was filled with school performances, dance competition, and music competition. If only I could turn back time... I would cherish every moment I spent on that stage. But it's not that I hated performing, no. I like it. Like. Note the word. I like it, but I didn't love it. But now, now I LOVE it.

Back then, everytime I perform, I always go 'blind'. I will not wear my glasses and I refuse to wear any contact lenses. The fact that a lot of people are going to stare at me was terrifying and I always remembered to think that I'm performing in front of rabid monkeys. That's sad, as for present me will go as far as buying a new set of contact lenses for the sake of looking at the people who watched my performance in the face. 

The thrill. Okay. So, the thrill of being up there on the stage, the adrenaline pumping, the excitement, the anxiety, the fear, worry, everything mixed into a cocktail of emotion. And I love that, I love what it felt, waiting on line for my turn to go up, worrying if I will forget any move. All that chemicals produced in my body, they're like a fix for me. Once I stepped down the stage and all the excitement toned down, I just want to get back up there. I just want to feel that rush of adrenaline again. It felt so good! I will only crave to go back on stage once I stepped down from it. 

I auditioned for a musical twice. Once for an amateur piece (it's a kpop musical. Oh yeah, it was FUN), and once for a serious musical that was recruiting amateurs. I never had a formal training. Either for singing or dancing or acting. I kindda learned it all from school? I just took a bungee jump with my love of performing arts as my safety rope. The moments before my audition was excruciating. But after I walked out from there, I just wanted to go back in! I just want to turn back time and do it again! One, for the hope of doing a better performance, and two, just so that I can have that 'rush' again. I don't know... I just... I love everything about it. 

My dream is to perform in front of a big audience who are genuinely cheering for me. Not for the song I was dancing to (in the case of the Kpop musical and the occasion when I took part in a cover dance competition) or just for the sake of formality (in the case of school performance). I wanna stand up there, on a stage, looking down at people who... Adore me. Who loves me. 

I have this one question that I will ask to every Kpop idol if I'm lucky enough to meet one. "How do you feel when you first step out on the stage for your first debut stage/concert?" I really want to ask this to SJ. I just want to know how they feel, standing on that concert stage, looking at thousands of people who attend it just to see them. How it felt when they hear the screams of all that people who adored them. What? How does it feel? Because if it's me, I would've break down crying. Or maybe get so pumped up people would've thought I ate too many sugar or I just ate some ecstasy or something. 

I envy the girl that was pulled up to the SMtown Jakarta's stage. Not because she was serenaded by Kyuhyun and Changmin (yeahyeah that plays some part to) but because she got to stand on that stage, looking at the sea of people before her. If I was in her position, I'm sure it would've changed my life. It would've been so life changing maybe I would gather enough guts to tell my parents that I want to learn acting... I want to be an actress. I would've stood there, looking at all that energy (eventhough 90% of them would've been envy and rage, but well... Polarity is important), and sorry Kyuhyun, Changmin, if you thought I cried because you were kneeling in front of me, you are wrong. I cried for a whole different reason.