it's hard to not say that i want to give up. 

i've never felt so exhausted ever in my life. like not just physically, but mentally too. suddenly the taste of food lost it's flourish and suddenly i stayed away from the kitchen. and i could feel the weight sunken into my skin, dragging up against my bones. i felt light and heavy. light because i was hungry and heavy because i was full. hungry for something to make me smile again. hungry for something to make me laugh again. to be able to hold a person's eyes in my gaze and hug them. to be able to feel happiness. 

full because i was hollowed out and filled with emptiness. apathy. i couldn't feel myself being lifted into the air anymore. i couldn't see myself smile anymore. i couldn't see any light shining. i couldn't see any jewels in my eyes when i stared in the mirror. i only saw defeat tugging at my eyes. dry lips dusty with lies. cheeks tinted the dullest color of the night. a voice that had no heart. fingers that held no life. 

i just want to give up. i want to lay down in the sand and i want to stick my toes into it and absorb all the warmth. i want the gritty pebbles to up my skin dry and parched, so i could be thirsty. so i could run hard for something. and not just falter out and stumble. and cry. pitifully in my hands, waiting for something, someone, to pick me up and hoist me up onto their shoulders. 

i also wanted to lift myself up. i also wanted to be the hearts in someone's eyes. i also wanted to be someone's happiness. someone's smile. someone's words. someone's thoughts. i wanted them to be proud of me. i wanted to be their cloud nine. i wanted to be their everything. 

but i was gone.

and there was nothing left.