Diary [You Say You Know Me, But You Don't]

You say you know me, but you don't. You don't know how I feel, when I feel pain, I feel relieved, when I feel the cold metal strip through me, I feel peace, when blood drips out, I feel comforted. 

People act like they know me very well, but to tell you the truth, no one knows me this way. I'm known in other my split persona, the other is cheerful, calm, collective, and nice. While this one, this is the real me. I'm complicated, filled with emotions, I try to smile things off but, they never work.

"Ahh, I know you, you can't do that, you're too naïve!" Victoria said, grinning like she won the lottery, I smiled, "Yeah, you're right. I can't do it." I replied. See? No matter how many times I try to do it, I fail, my split persona comes when someone's near me, I can't show who I really am to people, and I don't know how to feel about it.

No matter what happens, people will all say I'm a psycho when they find out about the real me, which is why my split persona comes by and 'saves' my sorry . To be honest, I am disgusted by myself, I feel like I'm not enough to please the world. Now let me guess what I'll see in the comments if I don't say this; No, it's how I feel, I know you people doesn't live to please others, but I do. 

I'm a slave, okay? I'm a slave of the powerful, but.. I don't know what B.A.P did to me, whenever I feel like killing myself, an image of Himchan comes to mind, he taught me this;

'Don't give up, there's no one as beautiful as a person who dreams.' He makes me smile, gives me a reason to become that beautiful person. As for Yongguk;

'Do what you love, love what you do. If it pleases you, then do it, if it doesn't, then don't.' He makes me strong, gives me the will to fight with misery. Daehyun gives me peace with his voice, he makes me calm, and forget the worries of the world.

Jongup taught me how to smile, do everything with a smile and respect what you have. Junhong, his cheerfulness makes me want to be like him, I envy him. A lot of people loves him, cares for him, and supports him. Unlike me.

And I learned the most from my bias; Yoo Youngjae. He taught me, the meaning of life, that we all have a reason to live, that even demons, have future, and saints has a past. People has their own role in the world, either it be a small one, or a big one. Everything has a reason, simply everything.

But sadly, I've only learned it, not applied it into my life. They make me smile, laugh, and do what normal people do; love and care. My mom once said; "Shut the up, you selfish little bastard, you don't care for anyone else other than yourself! You probably wouldn't care less if your dad died!" She shouted and slapped my face, I was crying so hard, I couldn't feel pain anymore, not even a sting from the slap.

Those words pierced me, it killed me alive. She, my mom, the one who gave me birth, told me something only a stranger could tell me. She meant it, and I knew it, she obviously hates me, now if you're also planning to say; 'No mother would like to see her child get hurt.' Then you're wrong, those are in the movies, this is reality, people. Not Romeo and Juliet. If you feel pity for me, don't, I don't need it. I need nothing, I need to find a way to get out of Hell.

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Hunteris5000 #1
I know this is quite late but...
I know you don't need pity. You're probably the last person I know that needs it. But also understand that sometimes stangers can help you more than the people you're familiar with. They won't judge, not only because they don't know EXACTLY what you're going through, but also because strangers won't worry about side-stepping certain topics that would make you uncomfortable. Because we don't know what makes you uncomfortable.
Partly, I think sites like this are made because deep down people have this feeling that what they're doing could do a lot to help others.
K Pop has help me through many things. It's amazing to see these perfect, beautiful people working hard for US because they want to make US happy. Not just BAP but all the rest. But BAP does do a lot for me.
So, next time you're feeling depressed or whatnot, just remember. Out there somewhere, people like BAP or Super Junior or SHINee are working to their wits' ends just to make you smile.
I can't EMPATHIZE. And so if sympathizing is the best I can do I'll do it. ^_^
RainyMemoriesInHeart #2
I am not sure if I should be commenting, just thought that you need comfort. Since the day I became a baby, I know BAP is surely something that can bring you up because they have advices that every one should know. I agree, not every parents love their child. Only selfish ones care about themselves and neglect their child. *Please forgive me for saying this!* By the way, I never really acknowledge that I have spilt personality until I saw this...
MilkBun #3
I truthfully find this disturbing, so much so I didn't even read it. 8I I am tired of reading about this depression stuff.
PepeMon #4
I don't even know what to say...but cheesecake you have to have faith man, seriously, we can't do nothing about your pain but people can support you, and remember you're the only one who feels the pain so you're the only one who can stop it, and don't disagree because it's true, I have one of the PAINFUL life too, but I'm not hurting becasue I don't let it, just keep your head up, and keep loving your Mother, you maybe can't forgive HER, but you Should FORGIVE her, and NOT FORGIVE what she's done, cause after all she's your Mother, but hey don't think negative and don't k!ll yourself, cause your thinking about pain on earth, when you have no idea where you're going to end up after killing yourself, and no It's not heaven,cause where did it say you're allowed to kill yourself, it's not going to stop the pain.

But hey like I said, I don't know what I can do to stop that pain, all i can do is help, but remember It's up to YOU stop stop that pain and keep your head up, show your Mum your mature and strong enough to handle this life of yours, life is full of ups and downs but look where people had ended up, Somewhere were they wanted to be!
Sandara Parks, have you heard her story, she went through walls and walls and she made it to the top, she's a role model to people, and I'm not comparing any ones fights with other people fights, because no matter how worse or easier other peoples are, you still have your own fight so, you know, Stay positive please, I hope i didn't say anything offensive or anything, and don't misunderstand please, you need to know there ARE people who love and need you out here.

Remember: I nor No one can fix your Pain, But it's Up to You to stop it.

Love you <3

PS: Keep on Smiling love, Like I have, and one day people will be envious and look up to you as their Role model.
GoodGirl10 #5
You're a strong person, you will get through it. You might think that I pity you but I don't, I just know how you feel. Those people that call you a psycho are the people that will get no where. They are close minded and will turn a blind eye to the world, being selfish and only caring for themselves. They will just say things about you because they don't feel good about themselves. Believe me, my life isn't as difficult as yours but I know where you're coming from. Fighting!
--Enchantress #6
Truthfully , my life is kinda like urs...
I also have split persona. One is the cold
hearted,always grumpy/vain, emotional & sometimes very b!tchy.
The other one is the one called happy-virus,
always smiling ,thoughtful,calm & cheerful.
My so called BFF betrayed/used me, after that I've
always been treated like a piece of trash, there's
always bad rumor about me here and there,I became a Loner.
My family and I moved out .
Just to fcking find out that were gonna go to a
different country.. and guess what ..
I feel like a babysitter/maid bcuz when we moved
out they became so distant and cold..
they always treat me like a maid, my parents their
always busy at work and they don't even have a little
time for my newly born baby sister .. thats why
I feel like a maid, when I told my mother
that I don't want to take care of my sister anymore
she just push pass me. My God they can't even take
care of their own child. I don't even know what to do anymore. Then when I attended school I really became a
Loner nobody cares for me.. I'm always bullied..
then this girl came and she befriended me but I just
found out today she got into an accident.
Sometimes, I thought of doing suicide because
I think I don't deserve to LIVE.
but KPOP gave me inspiration to LIVE..
FIGHTING ~~
<(^,^)>
OptimusPrime17 #7
I honestly wish I had a split persona like you. To have this other side of me to clean up the mess the other one did. But if ever someone told me that I can NOT, I would just d whatever it is over and over again until I can do it PERFECTlY and just rub it on the person who said I couldn't's face. It might seem a little over used but that's seriously what I would do. The face they make when you actually do it is the best!

Those people who say you're a psycho are very closed minded and weak hypocrites. If they can't accept all of you then they're clearly not worth any of your time or emotions. You're different from them. That's a good thing. They don't have open hearts and minds while you do which means you'll be able to leave a bigger mark on the earth than they would. I know you already have in this website :3

You're mom clearly doesn't deserve to call you her daughter. If you ask me, she's the selfish one to hurt you with her words. Philippines, mag ka lahi tayo! Well I know what it's like here obviously, and a lot of people here are selfish and stupid. I very much doubt you're not one of them. Paulit ulit nlng ako sorry.. but just don't let the people who weigh you down get to you. If they hit you, hit them back-HARDER.

Kpop is amazing and have a wide range of songs and if you ever need to talk to someone just PM me and I'll do my best to give you advice or whatnot.
eunteukonkeyxiumin #8
I don't know you and you might think that i'm writing this because i pity you but NO! I really do care. I really do feel you. My situation may not be as worse as yours but then personally, i feel that i've been through too much in life. Not any other single 17 years old lead a life like me. I got betrayed/hated by my so called friend at the age of 9, my only grandma left me when i was 11 and somehow i still feel that i've caused her death some way. I was never respectful to her and till today i still feel guilty. I was forced to separate and go diff schs from my only friends at the age of 12. I became a loner since then... I have friends and family but at the end of the day, i find myself not belonging anywhere. I've thought of death before but i am still here today because i've gained courage from my idols. So, i just wanna tell you to live on with life much as how ty it may be. don't give a damn about others for this is YOUR LIFE! CHEERS:D
5starnables #9
well i don't know you. we rarely talk, actually. XD

i have no exact suggestions for you.
you've learned things from your idols, from b.a.p, right? :)
what i'm gonna say maybe looks alike with what they've taught you. ^^ believe that everyone deserves to live, has a reason to live. maybe you just don't know -well i don't too until now- but you might know it later. so keep living! ^^

and i won't say anything about your mom too. i dunno her, so who i am to judge her, right? *shrugs*
but if you really mean what you said, can't you try to go out? maybe takes study outside town, or something like that. maybe it'll lessen your pain, somehow. ^^

so, i hope you'll go through your life well and cheer up! :)
feel free to talk with me anytime~ i'll welcome you.
jaegyonim #10
sometimes , the korean music world is the way to get out of reality . sleeping is, too , but isn't it better to be wide awake , yet at the same time feeling good , like in Paradise ? Kpop had definitely taught me many life lessons .
Your mom is really... harsh .
And I agree with your title a lot, you're somehow like me. But I am guessing you cut yourself? I sure do seem like this happy-go-lucky girl to everyone only. Nothing more, nothing less.
I just hope you would cheer up soon okay? :>
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