“Under Pressure”

The Truth; I understand.

I am a fourteen year old, living somewhere in this world. I live with a family of eight, not counting our dog, and an extended family in our lively neighborhood. I am ashamed of myself, thinking that just because I've had a taste of an upper-class teaching, I already felt higher than the others. When in truth, all the people living here with me, in this very neighborhood, are the kindest of people you will ever meet. But, even in their kindness, I still can't crack my façade. 

I am the youngest in my family, seventeen being the oldest, followed by sixteen. People tell me how lucky to be I am with my family. They just don't know the best ing part. My sister is one of the most intelligent people you will meet. She's smart, she's funny, she's everything. Though not perfect, she's still the epitome of greatness, the perfect daughter. My brother is one of the most sociable person in our school. He's fearless, sporty and the perfect brother. I wanted to believe that so badly. 

I love them with all my heart, but that's not what I hated.

It was the pressure.

Living with the perfect family, I just had to be good at something. I was not the best in sports, not in math, science, history—I was pretty average. I had the best grades in English, but that didn't matter since my sister already took that part. 

I was average.

People expected something from me and I did have something. I had art, but that also didn't matter because art will never get me anywhere with my career. I was highly insecure. I became MIA often and people will wonder. I—I didn't... I never had the guts to tell them the truth that I just had a simple LBM or just a simple headache or a particularly lazy day, no, I never did. I spat lies that I could never take back and I—I just wouldn't stop! It quickly escalated to a lie about leukemia, cancer and all the check-ups. I was sick and I did have my check-ups, but... it was something that I could never return. I was so pressured about my image and everyone that I just don't know what to believe anymore. I was so mad and angry at myself and it went further downhill these past few days.

I've been so angry about my family. Understand that I could never, ever hate my family because they're all that I have without my father. It's just—I love them and that's the problem. How they treat me is... it makes me so angry! They all think that I've no life, no friends and that I spend everyday doing lame things. It's not funny when it's not my sister, it's not cool if it's not my brother, I am always the useless one! I've got big dreams, but I can't follow them because no one ever believes I can. I try starting small from scratch, but they all stomp on it and... no one ever sees me. 

You only get things they give.

You can't be someone.

You always have to follow.

You always have to take care of them... because when mother is gone, there'll be no one else but you three only.

Those were the rules I had to live by.  It's hard to bear everything alone—I have to be happy alone, I have to be sad alone, I have to stand up for myself because it's only me, I have to clean up after their mess and I cannot take, I can only give. 

People in my school don't trust me anymore. I've given them enough reason as to why. I can't be responsible because I've always carried something. I never finish anything and I have lots of baggage. People only come to me when they need me the most, I'm always a last resort of some sort and it's not my place to lean on someone. It makes me feel more alone when my brother and sister ignores me. I've always had to keep everything in and I've learn that you can't burst, you can just be depressed. It's a state where you can't feel anything anymore, so I can tell that I do have depression. I couldn't feel happiness, sadness, I bury my anger and... every single thing is just not there anymore.

But, I laugh. I always laugh. I always try to understand because I know that it's not only me who's under pressure, not only me who carries the burden. We're not the perfect family, but I try to hold them together... because you know what, I really, really love them. They're all I have and I wouldn't exchange them for the world. My anger is nothing compared to the love I have for them. 

And I realized that even if starting from scratch is a hard thing, some people are definitely there to build and pick up the pieces together. It doesn't matter if I feel alone because when I see my real friends and family, I would definitely say that changing is worth it. It's definitely worth it. 

Good bye everyone. I hope you guys like Jade. She'll be taking over my account for now. Have a happy vacation!

-Adam.