TItle: An Angel's Embrace
Author: ememyang
Reviewer: threecheers
Title: [7/10]
I think it's common but maybe not too common, if you get what I mean. Also towards the end of my reading, I'm quite blown at how you related it to the story - as in Jongin being enveloped in a literal angel's embrace - and I'm like "oh, uhm, okay?"
Description and Foreward: [7/10]
I like how you utilized anaphora in your description to provide empha
I like how you utilized anaphora in your description to provide emphasis on the time frame “one month”, which put me into thinking that it has a significant role on the plot development in general. It is effective in that it makes the readers (or at least me) think why and subsequently how the whole story will revolve around that span of time. However, even though there’s the idea, I somehow get the feeling that the nature of the plot is left vague. I have nothing much to say about the foreword except that it’s bland and it’s lacking—I personally think you can have included an actual introduction to your story.
After reading the whole thing, I may have been a bit disappointed at how insignificant thewhole one-month package is presented. Like what I’ve mentioned, you put a lot of stress on the length of time, but with how your story has progressed, I don’t see anything very remarkable that relates to the urgency of the experience. Well, maybe there is, but only a
little towards the last part.
Plot: [15/20]
I find the plot interesting where comments on second chances and tackling regrets are vastly introduced. The notion of being able to relive a certain span of time to “correct” mistakes and bid “proper” goodbye—as in to tie loose ends—is very appealing, however wishful it may sound.
While the idea is great, I find the execution lacking in some way because of how the narration forged on. Some important elements—nature/mechanics of the Regrets Room, to name one—are overlooked. Also, I find the ending weird and vague. Honestly? It’s not really an effective wrap-up for everything.
Flow: [9/15]
One thing: inconsistent.
I find the first part (as in the single paragraph with short just-adjectives-and-nouns sentence) cool. With little modifications here and some short elaborations there, I think there won’t really be any need for the next part. I get it that it’s supposed to translate the unexpected death of Jongin but it’s really just not significant.
Now the succeeding parts where Jongin is chained and locked up is weird. Here, I find the flow very slow. What’s the importance of the series of wakeups? Nothing is ever relayed, even the amount of time that passed and ultimately Jongin’s thoughts and wonderings about things. Isn’t he supposed to be rattled or anxious? From what I read, it’s like he doesn’t really care much about answers—he wakes up, discovers himself bound, struggles to break free, gets exhausted, gives up, sleeps, wakes up again, eats gunk, sleeps again and… you get it. If anything, I’m a bit confused, especially why he has to be chained and stuff.
Again, I’m disappointed at how fast the one-month thing is addressed. As I’ve said, the description has sort of conditioned me that the main focus of the story is how Jongin will make the most out of that one month. I’m never enlightened and/or convinced that Jongin is really into it, because things just seem to be a blur of scenes. I find no stress whatsoever at Jongin’s efforts except maybe for the final day, but even that is like a last ditch effort.
The ending, like the set of scenes prior to that, is also rushed.
As for your transitions, well, I can’t say it’s comes any better than the pace. Sometimes I’m a bit thrown off at how the scenes morph and how Jongin’s thoughts flow. There are no contradictions per se, but the thing is, the shifts are choppy and sudden—even the smoothness of the narrative flow is compromised.
Characterization: [11/15]
I can’t really decide what personalities the characters resemble. There isn’t much “proper” portrayal going on, much less development. Aside from Jongin being regretful, I haven’t picked anything more distinct about him. And also that stout lady, what’s she supposed to be? Sohee’s character too is a bit questionable, especially with how she’s gone berserk (for the lack of better term) about Jongin and the alleged accusation of two-timing.
Mechanics: [16/20]
No major issues on your spelling and grammar, although I find some inconsistencies on your tense usage and punctuations. The following are some of my general (cautious) observations on the areas where you slip:
1) I suggest that you spell out the numbers in words because reading them (in their number form) in a sentence is a bit awkward.
2) You can merge two clauses—independent or not—by proper punctuations or conjunctions. Honestly, reading cut-off sentences give me this choppy and jerky feeling.
3) When expressing dialogues or just new ideas, you can move on to a new paragraph instead of letting everything run in one continuous thing. It helps to flatten bumpy roads on your narrative flow and also to minimize confusion from readers.
4) Ellipses are composed of three dots.
5) Unless it’s another statement in a dialogue, the succeeding word is always spelled in small caps, especially if the ending punctuation before the (closing) quotation mark is a comma.
6) It is suggested that internal musings and recollections are left italicized—and without quotation marks—to draw proper distinction from the actual speech spoken aloud.
Tell me if you want pointing-out-this-and-that analysis on this criterion.
Appearance: [7/10]
Simple and neat. The lack of poster is not really an issue to me, but the text formatting is a bit off. I think the size you used to match your font (Tahoma) is small and I don’t know if it’s just the littleness of the words but I have this illusion that they aren’t published in black.
Bonus: [1/5]
Kai is your main character. Haha! Plus, I want to appreciate your effort for imagery and also for making your narration as vivid as possible. :)
Total: 73/100 C
R/N: I actually made notes about the plot, like my questions and observations as I read on. If you are interested on reading them (I don’t see any reason to make you, though hahaha), you can send me a message or just bust my wall. Thank you!
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