(This blog post is mainly to share my own recent happenings, and to hopefully encourage those who need the little support)

I think for most of the people who have talked to me here, I will come across as a cheerful person. At least, that is the picture most people get from me when they meet me. And in a sense, I believe I am. But there are moments when I get really shy, really insecure, and all I want to do is hide somewhere. I have been a shy person in nature, ever since I was young, and have always been very insecure in voicing my opinion and eve my appearance. Growing up with the label 'foreigner' really gave me some moments that I did not like too much, but it was alright. I was never pretty, never someone that would catch any attention, especially since I was so shy. Compared to the past, I do think I look a little better these days, but this is just to cheer myself up so just ignore this haha. Also, because I used to speak Dutch (the language they speak here) unclearly and quite badly, people did not really think I would make it far. My teacher even told me I would most probably get into the lowest kind of high school (we have different kinds of high school here).

So I worked really hard to prove him wrong. I really, really have to thnak my mother for this, because she never gave up on me. I was so scared of talking in the past, that she did everything she could to get me over this fear. She put me on judo (so I would also be able to defend myself a little), put me on ballet (because the outfits were pretty and I would want to go to the lessons then), put me on piano playing, and I slowly grew out of it. If you compare the me from the past with the me now, there will be a lot of changes. I dare to speak out more now, dare to show myself more now. I dare to do things that scare me now, because I want to prove myself I can do this.

Recently, there had been a time where I was beginning to doubt myself again. A dark period where I asked myself why I made certain decisions, why I decided to study Psychology, and why I could not be more assertive, more active, showing myself more. I blamed myself for being so lacking. I blamed myself for a lot of things, really. There were so many things crashing down on me at the same thing, it made me fall down deep again. But then I began to climb up again, and I saw the light I needed to see again. I did not want to give up. I did not want to give up all the hard work I had put in myself all these years. I had this talk with a classmate, and he told me how much I changed in a year, how much I had changed from a timid girl on her first day of university to someone who is beginning to shed off her shy shell and show herself. And I was asked by another person why I chose Psychology, and that Psychology is not something to be ashamed of.

And I saw myself reflecting on all the years that I spent hiding, all the time I spent thinking how I could have done differently, better. I remembered how I had promised myself years ago that I would never, ever let myself regret anything more than I had already. I was not going to spill this life any longer. I was going to show everyone wrong. I was going to show the world that I was not as useless as I perceived myself to be. I still care a lot about what others think about, a lot. I am very scared of it, but I am slowly letting it go. I do not want to care about them anymore, and really, when I look at it closely, they do not even speak badly of me. It was just my imagination. Timidness is not going to bring my anywhere, and being so scared of judgement that might never come wasted me so much time already. So I might still be shy, still do not dare to speak up in a group, but I am slowly growing, slowly climbing.

I might fall again, most probably will many times in the future, but I am fine with that. I can take that. Right now, I am really enthusiastic about wanting to gain more knowledge, learn more, enrich myself more. I do not want to let my fright get the better of me like it used to do. I want to keep the promise I made to myself a long time ago that I would not waste any of my life anymore, would not make myself regret any more than I already did. I want to voice out myself when I want to, I want to say that something I want to say. I do not want to feel regret afterwards because I was too scared to speak up.

This is just a little bit of what I am feeling right now, but I wanted to write it down, and wanted to share it with you all (or actually those interested in reading this). I am not afraid of sharing things about me that make me vulnerable. There is this slight, slight chance that it might help someone, so why would I care so much? This is not something I am ashamed of. This is something I am truly proud of. I am full with flaws, I fall and break again and again, but I will not give up.

I hope you won't either.
Don't be scared, don't think too much about it. Just do it.
If there's anything to be said, then it should be: Do the things you're scared of.
If it turns out not to work, then that's a pity then.
If you never even tried it, then you'll never know anything but regret.
But let me one thing: As long as you continue to try, you'll reach it someday.