15th of March 2013.

 

Okay, sorry for the late review, I've had a hectic workload lately, but anyways. I tried to go through this as best as I could and I will be sectioning it off into chapters again, so it is easier for me to comment on, as well easier for you to see what parts I am talking about. Also, I saw the changes you made to previous chapters, 

 

Chapter Seven:

At the start of a new chapter, try to describe the scene a small bit, even a few general settings about the location will do. Comment on a few people the room with the characters and give a small piece of information about the setting. Where are they? In Baekhyun's dressing room? An office?

When characters meet each other for the first time, try and give a small general description about them, so the reader can see where they are coming from.

For Example:

The girl's heart shaped face was cocked to the side, and she arched a perfectly shaped eyebrow at me. 

Also spare a few words about her entourage. What kind of style are they dressed in? Do they intimidate Kai?

 

I enjoyed the way that you continued in Kai's vein of character. He is rapidly becoming a favourite of mine in the story for his naiviety and innocence.

However, when he answers the phone, give an adverb, describing the voice.

For example:

"A few fans are waiting in the agency lobby to meet the newbie actor that you run errands for. Tell him to prepare to meet them." A monotone voice instructed me.

It just helps the story to run more smoothly. The small descriptive words are important, even if they don't seem like they matter, trust me, they do. Try to describe everything and nothing in your story.

I must admit that I am a little confused about Min Seok's rapid confession that she is from EXO. Should she not be a little more careful of who is admits this to, and more wary of the six she meets from the same planet? And Kai the same?

However, his trusting nature played a huge role here, and his common sense wavered. It is interesting to see things from his point of view.

 

Chapter Eight:

I enjoyed the way that you went about this chapter. You gave Min Seok a crafty and manipulative side, so that she get the information that she wanted out of Baekhyun. I liked the devolpment of her character, and the way she is adapting in huan soceity, which you kept consistent throughout the story thus far.

Never put Hangul into your story. Readers don't pay attention to the name and they won't be able to tell the difference betwenn the two names. The Hangul in the middle of the dialog just looks awakward and out of place. Romanised isn't too bad since I understand that we are on AFF, but you are best to just stick with English when it comes to schools. 

Baekhyun's last part is quite humourous. We get an insight into the workings of his mind. It's obvious that he is trying to protect his half-brother's and it endears him to the reader. He follows the instructions, so we get the impression that he is willing to fight to be the successor. You used comedy very well, but you managed to rein it in for the last paragraph.

Again, I will comment on the description. Give a few words of description from everyone in the room, including the SHINee members and Exo-K members, not just Min Seok, to the conversation and the things the pair say to each other.

When you're using numbers in a story, especially in dialog, write the numbers out. '5' should be five. This should be the rule for most numbers, until they get too large, or it is a sum of money - 3,500 Won, 6,900 Won, etc. All numbers that are too large to write out.

 

Chapter Nine:

The decription of Key at the very start was fantastic. You painted a very vivid image of him sleeping. On a side note though, when you write 'Mr Perfect', don't forget the punctuation, i.e the full stop, after the 'Mr', so that it should be; 'Mr. Perfect'.

I really enjoyed the way that you are bringing Min Seok's changing emotions and hormones into it, now that she is a girl, whether it is intentional or not. Her relationship with the five boys are started to become strained now that she is a girl, and she should become more aware of this as the story progresses. There is one little thing I'm worried about, and I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but are SHINee her real cousins? Because if they are, wouldn't that mean her falling in love with her cousin is a little awkward to say the least? Or are they more close family friends that she can refer to as cousins?

The mood swings that she is experiencing and her quickly lost train of thought, is a perfect attribute and possible side effect of the gender change. Intentional or not, the way that her mood changes so suddenly, makes her seem kind of childish and a bit of a dither head, which I'm sure most people realte to. Her new found challenges in her body could be a source of problem in the future.

You devlop tension well in the end of the chapter. The new information about Min Seok and her mother entriques the reader, and definitely makes me hit the 'next chapter' button.

 

Chapter Ten:

More description in this chapter is vitally needed, especially in the conversation between Suho and Min Seok. It seems to be mainly little exchanges between the two, but even so, description can be included.

Even a small piece of the bus can be included. For example;

I shrugged. "You missed your bus." I pointed out, looking in the direction of the rapidly departing red and white school bus, that was leaving us in a cloud of motor fumes.

It doesn't need to be exactly that, but something along those lines.

I feel that in another story, Suho's offer would have been too sudden and rash, however, because you explained it well from both of the couple's perspectives, it is understandable in this context. However, in the future, be wary of rash moves without explaining them fully.

 

Kai's perspective is the next thing I will discuss. His innocence and character's thoughts are a thing that I've found myself looking forward to, thanks to your portrayal of him.

One thing that is lacking in this part is, again, description. I'm unsure of the setting, until you mention Baekhyun walking out of the kitchen. This chapter seems to consist of mostly dialogue, and while that is needed, description shouldn't be abandoned because of it.

I'm also a little confused over why Suho suddenly had a change of heart, and it was Baekhyun that he set Min Seok up with. Surely another member would be just as good. Suho should also not be so lenient on Kai, even though he is a timid person. Just like he instructed Baekhyun, he should be a small bit harsher with Jongin.

 

In Key's section, be careful of the overuse of punctuation, such as exclaimation and question marks. They seemed to be restricted mainly to Taemin, but his excitement can be shown through other means. For example;

"Really?" Taemin squealed, dragging out the word into an continous high pitched note.

Key seems to be fairly grounded and worried about Min Seok's father, which inciates my curiousity. Does her father perhaps have a hidden temper or a side that Min Seok hasn't seen of him?

 

Chapter Eleven:

This chapter provides a nice comic interlude, that draws away from the burning question of Baekhyun and Min Seok's future realationship, but at the same time, it also manages to create smaller questions. Questions such as Taemin's true motive. Does he really like th Japanese teacher or is there another underlying factor?

It is intersesting to view things that are very casual on Earth in an alterior view, and I would look forward to such things in the future.

Description was used well in this section of the story, so there isn't a lot to comment on. I enjoyed the description of Min Seok's smile ("Min Seok gave a Chesire Cat smile."). Similies are a very handy tool to have in your aresonal if you are struggling with your descriptive writing. They are also very effective, so keep that in mind. If you need a quick comparision, a similie is as good as anything else.

 

Chapter Tweleve:

Your writing format changed in this chapter. The headings for the Point of Views are no longer the same, and the font size increased too. This can be distracting for some, so I suggest that you stick to the one style.

 

However, can I just say that I loved this chapter. The description was fantastic, and I think that if you continue in that train of writing, your story will be amazing. My favourite description would have to be the paragraph after the first moustache. I found the image that you painted extremely vivid and creative.

However, there is one part that causes me to raise my eyebrows. The part where Min Seok rescues Baekhyun happened a little too quickly for me to follow accurately. The man in the car almost seemed to have been expecting Min Seok to have turned up, but maybe you have a purpose for this. The magic could also be expanded. Is it invisible, or does she emit lights like fireworks? What sounds does she make, or does she make any?

The background behind SHINee is developing more and more as the story continues, and I am enjoying the slow, gradual process. I hope that the progress continues to stay at the same pace, and it is ideal for the time being.

Everything in the chapter seems to be excellent, and I can't find any faults other the ones that I've commented on. Be careful of your spelling. "Naiive" is either spelt "naive" or, if you have th keyboard, "naïve". The same "i" has double dots on it.

 

 

Overall, I liked the flow of the chapters. Although some people complain over filler chapters, they are actually very handy in helping the story to gradually progress, so use them whenever you feel you need to. As always, make sure to double heck everything. You are doing a nice job so far of going back over everything, as there was few grammar mistakes.

I apologise if the review is a little short and didn't touch on all the subjects that you wanted it to.