Review of I Live With These Boys by totheskyehigh

Title 5/5

I liked your title. It just has this perky feeling to it that the story possesses. Good job!

Description and Forward 13/20

I gave your description a 5 out of 10 mainly for the reason that it gave away the core idea of the plot. I already know that it's going to be at least a love triangle between B.A.P. and your main character.

Your forward, on the other hand, was much better. It gave a taste of what the story is going to be like yet still remain a forward. That deserved an 8 out of 10.

Content and Originality 10/20

The plot so far has been unoriginal. It is the same old pretty girl moves in with hot guys and they all fall in love with her. Now she has to decide whom she wants to spend the rest of her life with. There were minimal description available to the readers.

Characters 6/15

Your characters are like, "Here are the characters! Memorize it and that's all you need to know for the entire story!!" They are not very well developed, we don't get to know them, and I don't feel at all connected with the story. For example:

Instead of-

Da Hyun: Likes cute things. Shy.

You could write-

Da Hyun hid behind Him Chan as the four boys all stared at her. She blushed at all the attention and looked away quickly when she met their eyes. She tugged on her Hello Kitty blouse and bit her lip.

You could tell from Da Hyun's body language that she was very shy. The mention of Hello Kitty, a symbol of cuteness, give the impression that she likes cute things.

Also, if I wrote a biography of Lee Sooman, I would not refer to him as LSM. One, it is very rude. Two, it could very easily stand for something else. Please do not argue that it is your style. A style of writing is a way you put words together that is unique from how others put their words, yet it still make sense and follow the basic rules of grammar. I shall explain more about "style" in the Grammar section.

Grammar 7/15

I thought about exempting grammar too but, then again, I am a grammar Nazi.

First of all, please use real English words. "Guises" is not a word. A spell check before publishing is a good way to catch those kinds of things and other typos such as "callj". Spelling is a very easy thing to check for. Also remember that "i" is supposed to be capitalized.

Second, dialog. You are currently writing dialog in what I call "role play form". You put the name of the character, you insert *these things* to show action, and you put the dialog like a regular old sentence. This makes the story look very informal and joke-like. If you want to put in a serious plot to it, it will make it look like a crack-fic.

Correct used of dialog:

"Could I take the both of you?" asked Da Hyun. She glanced at the two boys nervously.

"Huh?" Daehyun replied, raising his eyebrows. After thinking for a moment, he asked, "Are you going to buy lot's of things?"

Incorrect use of dialog:

DH: Could I take the both of you?

D: Huh? *thinks for a bit* Are you going to buy a lot of things?

This "role play form" is not a style. It is an amateur way of putting your thoughts onto paper. Now don't get mad at me for calling you an amateur, I am here to help you. (I still consider myself an amateur at writing. :P) To get better at writing and gain more fans, you have to put in more effort than just simply writing out the dialog. You have to put in description. You have to make the characters seem real. You have to ensnarl the reader's interest in a creative way of leaving cliff hangers.

Flow N/A

I'm going to exempt the flow because there is no flow. It is like a role play, choppy and full of dialog. To help with the reader's comprehension, I suggest using things like quotation marks, actual dialog grammar, and invest sometime to put your ideas into paragraphs instead of short choppy sentences.

Enjoyment 2/10

I'm very sorry but I did not enjoy your story all that much. I didn't really like trying to decipher the action from the talking and which letter represented who. The characters are just bluntly put out there and the plot was rather unoriginal.

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Review of I Live With These Boys by totheskyehigh

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