Well, I wanted to start off with saying that I feel so down right now that I don't think words/advices would even suffice.

I hope you don't close this post because of the length of it, it will really help me boost my mood. I hope you read the entire thing, even just read and don't comment, it's enough for me. This is just a stupid complain about my life anyway.

Okay let's start. For real.

The thing is, I wanna cry so bad and I know that you won't understand how I feel just from reading this blog post. I wanna cry but even if I cry, it's no use cos the sadness still won't decrease until someone hears me out and unfortunately, no one can hear me out. 

I live with my dad here in USA right now. I'm actually from another country (I won't state which), and I grew up there for 17 years. My situation's just like Bella Swan's, I don't like it here in America and I never wanted to live here but I can't oppose my parents of course. My sisters are back at my home country and all of them are already professionals with a stable work. I'm the only one who's still not capable of living on my own. I tried talking to them but they won't reply since they're all so busy with their works. My best friend is also there, and I'm quite the lucky girl since I don't know anyone here. I don't have any friends except for my housemates and my dad's co workers. They can still be considered as friends but it's still different if you can actually have fun with each other. They are like 30's and above and I'm what only 17. quite nice right?

The real plan is that I'll only stay here for a few months and go back to my home country and finish my studies there but when I came here, my mom suddenly wanted me to study here. I DETEST THE IDEA. I'm not being a racist or anything but there are a few reasons as to why I don't want to study or even stay here:

1.It's expensive. 

2. I don't think I can keep up with how things work here.

3. I'm scared.

4. I don't believe in myself.

Sure you might say that these are all stupid reasons and for me it actually is but I'm just so suffocated with my life. I know that there are millions of people who'd want to be in my place, I mean you get to study in America, you get to live there and the opportunities are endless. But I don't wanna live here. It's so hard and I know people won't understand until they experience it themselves but I hope you do get my point. Maybe people might think that I'm just afraid of accepting changes in my life, I admit, I ACTUALLY AM. but it's so sudden I can't even decide for myself. It's like I don't have a life of my own. What I want to happen NEVER happens but what other people wants and what they to happen to me, that's what always happens. WTF really?

Another thing is I'm not sure of my capabilities. I'm just an ordinary girl, not too smart, not too dumb but with the way things are here, I think that my mental capabilities won't handle it. I'm afraid that I'll fail all of my subjects and just waste my parent's money. I'm totally a coward. I may act tough on the outside but I'm a big COWARD. I think low of myself and I don't have even the slightest of Self-confidence cos frankly, I don't have something to be confident about. I feel so useless and worthless in all totality. I don't have any talents whatsoever. 

I talked to my best friend and tried to tell her all my problems and worries and she said that "just wait, eventually, things will go as how you wanted them to be". Okay, I tried taking her advice into account but I've waited and waited, hoped and hoped but nothing happens. I get to wait again and again and again and as time passed by, especifically now, I got tired of it already. I feel that things never go the way I wanted them to be and never will be because I'm worthless and I don't deserve it.

I'm so envious of other people, that's what it really is. I know it's not a good but I can't help but think of the things that they have and I don't. FREEDOM and a LIFE OF MY OWN. Whenever I think about it, I just try to replace with thoughts of things that I have and they don't but in the end, it gets overthrown by the things that they have and I Don't and I end up crying myself to death.

Now it makes me think, should I still hope? I mean nothing happens to my life. I don't even know why I even exist or what my main purpose in life is. 

You might think that I'm crying over problems like this when there are other people in every parts of the world that are crying because they don't have anything to eat, then I apologize. I'm just so sad right now that I need to tell it to somebody. I cry every night because it hurts, the stress and pressure it puts on me hurts so much. If I don't cry, I might lose my sanity and fall into a deep depression. I'm on the verge of it.

I just wanted to let out my feelings even here because I don't really know what to do with my life anymore. It's not about my studies only but also in my entire life as well. Sorry if all my insecurities came up and jumbled with each other. It might be confusing but I hope you get my point and understand everything.

Writing this post made me feel a lot better actually. I just hope that I'd wake up tomorrow in a good way. 

Thank you for wasting your time in this useless post.

Much Love, a useless and in despair teenage girl,

pakwanii