I know, this is weird to write this here, but I can't exactly talk to anyone right now. I don't feel comfortable. Since I don't really know people on here, I find it easier to express myself.

I am an anorexic, but I'm not your typical anorexic. I am not super stick thin, I am about 54kg and am average height. I used to have a serious problem with bulimia, where I would binge and purge a lot and I would get really emotional and moody around my family. My mum would get really upset but she never knew what was going on. Until she managed to find traces of things in my bathroom...and she got really upset. She was telling me that I'm not fat, I shouldn't be doing this, It's not good for me, blah blah. I felt annoyed with her because it's the same thing everyone says and I don't feel like people understand. It's especially hard because my two cloest friends are only 40 and 45kg, so I always feel huge in comparison. My friends don't seem to understand, and I hate when they comment on my eating. I'll be eating lunch faster than them at school and they say things such as "Oh, you ate that so fast!" or "Oh you finished already?" and it makes me upset, but I always just laugh with them and joke until I go home and break down.

I always feel like I'm being compared to. I have been blessed with a flat stomach (unfortunately it is covered in scars from hip surgeries when I was a kid) but horrible, horrible legs and thighs. They are squishy, chubby and short. They jiggle around a lot. I'm actually a really serious cross country runner, athletic's runner, netballer and basketballer, but my legs are still like jello. I get up every 2nd day of school at 5:45 am to run for around 45 minutes to and hour, but there is still no change. I feel miserable and find it hard to look at myself in the mirror.

I've tried to diet so many times. I tell myself "I'll be good now, I'll stop eating crap and start being healthy." I start it and it seems good, then something emotional happens (like when my grandpa passed away recently) and I begin to go slack again and eat whatever I want. Thats when I begin to purge, and binge again, and the cycle goes around in a big circle without an end in mind. I just want to find a resolution.

I know this is weird guys, but I feel like I can't open myself up to my friends. My 45kg friend has just decided she feels fat, making me feel like a bloody giant. I know this seems messed up but this is my opinion, I feel like I need to lose the weight or I won't be comfortable in my own skin. You guys don't have to comment or anything, but I would like a little support.

as always,

ily xx

p.s I will be updating on news about my progress, because i feel if i have a blog like this it will encourage me to shed the healthy amount of weight i feel i need.

thanks guys x