[REVIEW] Reading In Between The Lines - rosalielovesyou
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Story Title: Reading In Between The Lines
Story Link: Here :D
Author Of Story: rosalielovesyou
Reviewer: 3milyJoy AFF
[KEY] Blue bold strike through = took that part out
Red bold = added/revised
Title: 5/5
The title is very eye catching.
It makes me think there's going to be a lot to think about in this story.
I'm curious to find out if I'm the one who is going to be Reading In Between The Lines or if it's the characters.
Poster: -/4
There's no poster to judge.
And you get the gist of what's happened in the story.
Plot: 7/10
The plot is thickening in your story.
It's moving a long quite nicely.
Even though there's only 2 chapters.
1. The flow of your story is pretty good. But I think you need to fix the flashback in chapter
one. It kind of blends into the rest of your story. I see that you already have it in italics,
but I think you should add a couple more 'enters' and center it so it looks a little more
separate.
[Original Text; Chapter One: Five and A Half Years Later]
Flashback
We were in my room, blinds covered the windows lights were out and every was asleep except us. The time was uncertain,
because it had been dark for such a long time; I assumed that it was midnight. Kyung wasn’t saying anything, almost like he was
lost in deep thought. I was lying away from him on my side, staring at the walls with thoughts of the future flowing through my
mind.
Then something hard placed itself against my head while sudden warmth was on my back. Two arms were not visible to me.
“What are you thinking about?” The tone was pouty.
I laughed and closed my eyes. “I was thinking about…the future” The words didn’t seem to come out of my mouth because I how
soft I spoke.
“Like?”
“The usual. Job. Family…Mostly children”
Kyung moved a little. He didn’t really say anything though he did know of my dream to have two cute twins. “Kyung…” I turned
over to face him. He wasn’t smiling much, a negative look almost gave me the hint that he as neutral on the subject. “What do
you want your children to be like?” A couple moments later, a smile formed on his lips. “My children?”
I nodded my head. I was curious, I’d never asked such a question like this before and I wasn’t sure what his answer would be.
Folding his arms behind his head, he went back to looking up at the ceiling. “I want them…to be like you” He smiled. “Cute. Kind.
Affectionate. I want them to get along and not ever fight”
It was a funny answer, very unexpected. I smiled before resting my head on his shirt. “Hopefully…it will happen one day”
Flashback End.
[Revised Text]
~Flashback~
We were in my room, ;blinds covered the windows, the lights were out and every was asleep except us.
The time was uncertain, because it had been dark for such a long time so long; I assumed that it was midnight.
Kyung wasn’t saying anything, almost like he was lost in deep thought.
I was lying away from him on my side, staring at the walls with thoughts of the future flowing through my mind.
Then something hard placed itself against my head while sudden and suddenly, there was warmth was on my back.
Two arms were not visible to me.
“What are you thinking about?” The tone was pouty.
I laughed and closed my eyes. “I was thinking about…the future.”
The words didn’t seem to come out of my mouth because I of how soft I had spoken.
“Like?”
“The usual. Job. Family…Mostly children.”
Kyung moved a little.
He didn’t really say anything though he did know of my dream to have two cute twins.
“Kyung… ,” I turned over to face him.
He wasn’t smiling much, a negative look almost gave me the hint that he wasn't so keen neutral on the subject.
“What do you want your children to be like?” I asked.
A couple moments later, a smile formed on his lips., “My children?”
I nodded my head.
I was curious, I’d never asked such a question like this before and I wasn’t sure what his answer would be.
Folding his arms behind his head, he went back to looking up at the ceiling. “I want them…to be like you.”
He smiled., “Cute., Kind., Affectionate. I want them to get along and not ever fight.”
It was a funny answer, very unexpected.
I smiled before resting my head on his shirt. ,“Hopefully… ,it will happen one day.”
~Flashback End~
know it's to keep the person interested, but I don't really like the layout of it.
For me, honestly, it might confuse me.
Especially because you have introduced so many characters at once.
2. You have 'Chung-Cha' as 'Dong-Min''s wife.
One little question; Who is Dong-Min?
He's not on the character chart.
At first I thought they were two different people, then I realized it was just a spelling
error.
2. {a little grammar&spelling mistake}
[Original Text; Chapter One: Five and A Half Years Later]
“Omma, I coloured you a picture” Dae-ho pulled back from me with a huge small
plastered on his face, scratches were visible on his forehead.
[Revised Text]
“Omma, I coloured you a picture.” Dae-ho pulled back from me with a huge smile plastered on his face. scratches were visible
on his forehead.
3. {Simple grammar mistake}
[Original Text; Chapter One: Five and A Half Years Later]
I gasped. “Good job Mi Cha” I took the picture from her and placed it inside my purse. “Maybe we should hang it up at
home so everyone can see!”
[Revised Text]
I gasped, “Good job Mi Cha.” I took the picture from her and placed it inside my purse. “Maybe we should Should we hang it
up at home so everyone can see! ?”
I think it will look better if it was as if you were asking the kids if you should hang it up.
Especially because they're response to what you said was YES.
4. You seem to forget punctuation at the end of a statement that's been said.
[Original Text; Chapter One: Five and A Half Years Later]
“Sorry…” Eun Hi murmured. She always brought up the past, especially Kyung. “But have you ever heard from him”
“No”
“Not a letter?”
“No”
“Phone Call”
“Nope”
“Post card”
“Not one”
[Revised Text]
“Sorry... ,” Eun Hi murmured. She always brought up the past, especially Kyung. “but have you ever heard from him?”
“No.”
“Not a letter?”
“No.”
“Phone Call?”
“Nope.”
“Post card?”
“Not one.”
I especially like how his whole family is involved.
There's not really much to judge it for though.
Haha.
I'm anticipating the next chapter (:
And I'm definitely subscribing to your story :D
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