[REVIEW] Why Won't You Approach Me?! - orangegirl153
I am a reviewer at these sites;
Please go there to request my services if you wish.
Please & Thank You (:
Story Title: Why Won't You Approach Me?!
Story Link: Here (:
Author Of Story: orangegirl153
Reviewer: 3milyJoy AFF
Title: 4/5
Your title is different. I haven't seen one like this before. It's eye catching.
Poster: 4/4
I really like both of your posters. And it really shows who the story is about.
And they're both vibrant. They display the characters well. And they're cute (:
Forward: 2/5
Forwards are supposed to give you a little preview of what's to come in the story. Your's was more like a first chapter. Even if you put a little teaser to what you want to happen in the future, that would be good.
***The forward is part of chapter 5***
I don't like the fact that I read this again.
It had me really confused when BBomb introduced Minjoo to Kyung; I had thought they already knew each other because of the forward.
***The forward is part of chapter 5***
I don't like the fact that I read this again.
It had me really confused when BBomb introduced Minjoo to Kyung; I had thought they already knew each other because of the forward.
Plot: 6/10
The plot is kind of stagnant. It's pretty much staying in the same spot.
Flow: 10/20
1. Because of the way you add thoughts is really random.
Try putting it into quotation marks and putting it in italics so you know it's a thought.
Try putting it into quotation marks and putting it in italics so you know it's a thought.
[Original text; from Chapter One]
You stared at your phone. *Why didn't Minhyuk tell me that he was no longer with Youjin? Oh well I'm sure he had his reasons*
You stared at your phone. *Why didn't Minhyuk tell me that he was no longer with Youjin? Oh well I'm sure he had his reasons*
[Revised text]
You stared at your phone. "Why didn't Minhyuk tell me that he was no longer with Youjin? Oh well, I'm sure he has his reasons."
2. The way you switch up the point of view also effects the flow. For example;;
"What's the occasion sweetie?", your mom eyed me with curiosity.
That doesn't make sense. Make sure you stick with one perspective.
[Revised text]
"What's the occasion sweetie?" Your mom said as she eyed you with curiosity.
3. For the flash back, you should center it, and italicize it. That way it is actually separated
from the present.
[Original text; from Chapter One]
----- flashback
from the present.
[Original text; from Chapter One]
----- flashback
It was like love at first sight...
"Hey everyone, my name's B-Bomb but you guys can call me Minhyuk”
Some girls in the back were whispering "I heard he was a dance legend in his old school", "That means he's good in bed too" "KYAK"
squealed the girls.
squealed the girls.
Minhyuk just smiled and winked at the girls "AHHHHH" they screamed this time.
"Okay quiet down girls", yelled the teacher "Whose next?"
"Hi, I'm Minjoo, nice to meet everyone", you gave a shy smile.
"Minjoo, thats a cute name", smiled Minhyuk.
You blushed and turned your head away, you could feel the girls in the room eyeing you with envy.
Homeroom was over and you rushed to your second class to give your cheeks some time to return to normal.
You sat down at an empty desk, then Minhyuk walked in, you stared with wide eyes.
"Can I sit here?", He gave you a small smile while biting his lip.
"Ah...of...of course"
You were just about to ask him about his summer when a tall girl with long dark brown hair walked in.
"OPPA! We're in the same class together, what are the odds"
"Eo, Youjin-ah how was your summer?"
"Boring because you wern't there", she gave him wink and touched his hand, he seemed to like it.
The next day you went back to school excited to see Minhyuk again, but he didn't show up. Untill you walked by the school quad and saw
Youjin and Minhyuk holding hands.
Youjin and Minhyuk holding hands.
------ end of flashback
[Revised text]
~flashback~
It was like love at first sight.
"Hey everyone, my name's B-Bomb but you guys can call me Minhyuk."
Some girls in the back were whispering, "I heard he was a dance legend in his old school."
"That means he's good in bed too."
"KYAK!" squealed the girls.
"Hey everyone, my name's B-Bomb but you guys can call me Minhyuk."
Some girls in the back were whispering, "I heard he was a dance legend in his old school."
"That means he's good in bed too."
"KYAK!" squealed the girls.
Minhyuk just smiled and winked at the girls.
"AHHHHH!" they screamed this time.
"AHHHHH!" they screamed this time.
"Okay, quiet down girls." yelled the teacher. "Who's next?"
"Hi, I'm Minjoo. Nice to meet everyone." You gave a shy smile.
"Minjoo, that's a cute name." Smiled Minhyuk.
You blushed and turned your head away, you could feel the girls in the room eyeing you with envy.
Homeroom was over and you rushed to your second class to give your cheeks some time to return to normal.
You sat down at an empty desk, then Minhyuk walked in. You stared with wide eyes.
"Can I sit here?" He gave you a small smile while biting his lip.
"Ah...of...of course."
You were just about to ask him about his summer when a tall girl with long, dark brown hair walked in.
"OPPA! We're in the same class together! What are the odds?"
"Eo, Youjin-ah how was your summer?"
"Boring because you weren't there." she gave him wink and touched his hand. He seemed to like it.
The next day you went back to school excited to see Minhyuk again, you thought he didn't show up.
That is until you walked by the school quad and saw Youjin and Minhyuk holding hands.
That is until you walked by the school quad and saw Youjin and Minhyuk holding hands.
~end~
4. This also ties in a bit with the grammar/spelling.
When you put the thoughts of other characters (for example Zico or Minhyuk) you are
writing in Third Person Omniscient point of view. If you plan on writing the story in this
manner, you have to change the "you" to "Minjoo" .
Example;;
[Original text; Chapter Four]
"Eo, Minhyuk-ah." Minjoo replied.
"Catch." He said as he threw her a cola.
When you put the thoughts of other characters (for example Zico or Minhyuk) you are
writing in Third Person Omniscient point of view. If you plan on writing the story in this
manner, you have to change the "you" to "Minjoo" .
Example;;
[Original text; Chapter Four]
“Eo Minhyuk-ah”, you replied.
“Catch”, he threw you a cola to you.
[Revised text]"Eo, Minhyuk-ah." Minjoo replied.
"Catch." He said as he threw her a cola.
Characters: 5/6
Your characters are pretty original, and mostly realistic.
*Is Minjoo's best friend(Sulli) the Sulli from f(x)?? I wasn't too sure about that*
*Is Minjoo's best friend(Sulli) the Sulli from f(x)?? I wasn't too sure about that*
Connection With *Fans: 4/5
I like the fact that you leave little questions at the end of the chapters. You should ask your *fans what they think is going to happen in the story. Get them involved.
Grammar/Spelling: 13/25
Your grammar and spelling is pretty decent.
1. Remember this; periods and commas always go inside the quotation marks.
Ex:
[Original text; Chapter One]
Ex:
[Original text; Chapter One]
"Fine, but we need to be fast theres only 2 more minutes", as you guys ran down the hall to your locker, Minhyuk spotted Zico.
"Hey Minjoo there's your lover kekeke"
[Revised text]
"Fine, but we need to be fast, there's only two more minutes." As you guys ran down the hall to your locker, Minhyuk spotted
Zico.
"Hey Minjoo, there's your lover kekeke."
"Hey Minjoo there's your lover kekeke"
[Revised text]
"Fine, but we need to be fast, there's only two more minutes." As you guys ran down the hall to your locker, Minhyuk spotted
Zico.
"Hey Minjoo, there's your lover kekeke."
2. You seem to forget to add punctuation marks a lot. You also forget to capitalize quite a
bit. Not only does this effect the spelling, it also slows down the flow.
3. I think you need to read through your chapters before you post them. You just have little
mistakes; but there's a lot of them, and that adds up.
For example, if there's a question mark, no need for a period.
[Original text; Chapter Two]
"When are you and the Block B sunbaes going to perform again?".
That period is irrelevant.
4. Just a couple more little mistakes::
-[Original text; Chapter One]
"Okay Sulli i'll call you later okay"
[Revised text]
"All right Sulli, I'll call you later okay?"
bit. Not only does this effect the spelling, it also slows down the flow.
3. I think you need to read through your chapters before you post them. You just have little
mistakes; but there's a lot of them, and that adds up.
For example, if there's a question mark, no need for a period.
[Original text; Chapter Two]
"When are you and the Block B sunbaes going to perform again?".
That period is irrelevant.
4. Just a couple more little mistakes::
-[Original text; Chapter One]
"Okay Sulli i'll call you later okay"
[Revised text]
"All right Sulli, I'll call you later okay?"
-[Original text; Chapter Two]
"Minhyuk-ah Where do you wanna sit?"
[Revised text]
"Minhyuk-ah, Where do you wanna sit?"
"Minhyuk-ah, Where do you wanna sit?"
Originality: 8/10
I haven't read a story quite like this one before.
It's got the general school scene for Block B, but other than that it's really original.
It's got the general school scene for Block B, but other than that it's really original.
Personal Enjoyment: 7/10
Even though it was a bit confusing at times, and because of that the flow was really effected; I really enjoyed the story.
I will definitely keep reading.
I will definitely keep reading.
Total Points: 63/100
Additional Comments::
1. I'm sorry for such a harsh mark ):
But I hope you take my criticism well and understand where I'm coming from.
2. I hope you understand what I meant by the Third Person Omniscient thing.
3. Sorry for taking so long to get this to you, and I also apologize for making it so long.
4. Let's end this review on a good note;; You now have a new subscriber :D
But I hope you take my criticism well and understand where I'm coming from.
2. I hope you understand what I meant by the Third Person Omniscient thing.
3. Sorry for taking so long to get this to you, and I also apologize for making it so long.
4. Let's end this review on a good note;; You now have a new subscriber :D
Comments