Living Too Little, Too Late

The great Mahatma Gandhi said "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."

I have always loved that quote. it was one of those quotes that was great to write on twitter, or as encouragement to someone or as status on facebook. but another version of that quote also is a great words to live by, "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." by James Dean.

Aren't those words so profound and so wise. those were the quotes I try to live by.

Now sitting here and just hearing some bad news I think back, was my 7989 days of living in the world really lived as it should and would be. Had I lived to the fullest...? Had I learned enough? Had I loved with all I can? Had I pursued dreams with all i am? Had I lived as if i were to die tomorrow, had i lived learning as if i were to live forever.  had I dreamed as if I will live forever? Had I lived contented? Was my 7989 days a FULL life?

It was only lately that I realized how life can turn so opposite from what one expect it to be. It was only this week that I fully understood how fluid ones life was -- tired yesterday, happy now & gone tomorrow.

And it made me think, what if tomorrow had arrived? and that tomorrow was the dusk of all tears. A simple day that turned into a nightmare to live. A simple morning that had a hell for an afternoon. A situaltion where one's conciousness was opposite from the moment one opened the door to that of closing it. What if some simple words that no one expected to hear came to shatter everything? what if simple words that was only seen and heard in movies was not heard tomorrow but today. What if unbelievable news that could only happen to otherswas directed atyou. what if there was no forever? what if tomorrow was today and THAT tomorrow is Cancer.

"You have 6 months to live...", Those were one of the dreaded words to hear. It shatters dreams, breaks hearts and destroys love ones.

What to do? What to expect? Who to blaim? Pain, fear, longing, agony and confused state all mix and compact itself in one shattered you. 

6 months to live, and with that the 5 stages of death comes: Denial comes first, but at that moment the quotes you live by never comes to mind. The words "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today" will not be remembered. All one can think is "Why me..." and "It couldn't be..." or "It's not true..." and today is not the day I will die. Next comes Anger, it usually is directed to the people around not because its their fault but more because there is no one else to blaim. Third is Bargaining, the "I have still so much more to do, can't it be not 6 months..." or "please not me..." Fourth comes Depression, as understanding of the inevitable comes, cause cancer is here today and that is when Acceptance is here and now.

But it doesn't end there, the worst part is telling someone "Son/Daughter/Mom/dad, they said I have only 6 months to live...". It gives pain, fear,longing and agony not only to one but to all.

Cancer and "you have only 6 months to live" is that cruel, that scary and that agonizing!!!

You never know when and how it will hit. but one thing is sure, it can happen to anyone.

So let me ask you, what will you do when you only have 6 months to live?

Had you lived to the fullest...? Had you learned enough? Had you loved with all you can? Had you pursued dreams with all you have? Had you lived as if you were to die tomorrow? Had you lived learning as if you were to live forever? Had you dreamed as if you will live forever?

I know I maybe going in circles but I just heard 2 sad news this week. I just learned that 2 people I know had that today. Yes it was and is Cancer. It broke my heart and I was in pain. How could it be so quick? what will i do?

It made me ask, Had they lived their life to the fullest...? Had they learned enough? Had they loved with all they can? Had they pursued dreams with all they have? Had they lived as if they were to die tomorrow? Had they lived learning as if they were to live forever? Had they dreamed as if they will live forever? Was it enough? was it a FULL life? Had they lived at large? Had they lived content?

Though they were not as young as me, it still didnt ease any agony, it didnt lessen the pain. Cancer still took over. And there was nothing I could do. pain, fear,longing and agony was still present.

it made me question myself, Had I done enough to let them know that I was there. Was my time spent with them enough? had I fulfilled all I can for them? Was there anything else i needed to do?

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And Now, Today June 23, 2011, i should have been a beautiful day but with cancer its is not.

Just earlier this week My aunt has succumbed to cancer, she is now gone and resting in heaven. And my other good friend is still battling with the disease that is stealing her life. 

I don't know what else to do but to pray...

So please help me pray for them. For my aunt who is now resting in heaven "auntie Naida, I will miss you..."

And to a very good old friend, "Tita Felie, I will pray for you..."

INTRO

Today is July 23, 2011 and today I had lived exactly 7989 days in this world. The first 1000 days of my life was about dependence. All my needs, wants and being was solely depended on my parents. The next 1000 days was all about living as a hellion and brat as I ran around here and there to play and just discover the world in the eyes of a child. As my mind come forth and conciousness emerge with next 3000 days; learning things formally, and making important connection with people, sorrounding and the environment became emparative. and as I matured mind, body and soul, I lived the next 2000 days being responsible and reaching the dreams that were mine and mine alone. And now on my 7989th day in this world I can say that i lived my life the way I only know how.

My first ever memory was about falling. the feeling of free falling on my seat and feeling as I go down and down as I was pulled by gravity to the ground. I had been in the see-saw at that time, playing opposite my older brother who became distracted and pretty much forgot about me when lunch was announced. And now as I sit here writing this while remembering eversingle memory, happy and sad, I can only say, '16 years is such a llooonnnnggg time...'

Thinking about it, 21 years with the last 15 years living, knowing, understanding and remembering all things about life. In all that, I tried living life by learning all that I needed to learn. Living while always pursuing love with all my heart. Living as I fight and reach for my the dreams and ambitions. Living as I rest and be content with what I have.