I'm in a state of being less caring for friendship.

The past few years have made me become a very private person. I don't have many friends, hardly at all if I'm being straight up honest (this is not the emo in me crying out, I am not emo and never will be), this I am comfortable with. The less people I am friends with, the less BS, dragged out arguments, and pointless gossip I have to deal with (Mind you, I do not say this in a nasty tone : / <--- Hopes this little face diffuses the mind from thinking 'oh, this chick is having a fit,' lol. It may seem that way, but I'm trying to analyze the way I'm feeling at the moment and I need an audience, haha. See? This is my way of instinctually calling attention to myself and denouncing it at the same time. Instinctual contact is EVERYWHERE, whether we like it or not). Friendship can smother the brain when it’s in a state of disarray.

Do I think I am too young to even be thinking this? Yes and no. Yes, because I am too young to be closing myself off to the idea of interacting with people (granted, I am over 21, my age will remain a mystery for those who don't know me). Conversation is a type of food for the brain; cut it off and the brain starves. Since interaction is a human instinct, without it, the brain empties and insanity sets in. To say I prefer to go insane than to have a conversation with a person is disturbing, and I recognize this, but in that state of slowly losing my mind is where I grab my best ideas, it is where I am able to create and generate the ugliest parts of me, because it is those parts I find beautiful. No, because jr. high school, high school, and college has made me realize how idiotic us teenagers, teens, and young adults really are (I think back and I certainly was an idiot, I still am trying to shake some of the idiocy off. it's almost gone). I don't mean in the sense of being a complete fool, as if we are unaware of what we do, but in the sense that there's a freedom harbored in our idiocy during our 13-21 age year period that isn't tainted by adulthood. For the most part, in my experience, I've seen that 'idiocy' beat people into the ground, rob them of their intelligence, and cause trouble. Nope, I certainly don't miss my younger years, but this only applies to me; every other person's experience is different.

The idiocy of people can be fun to look at, but it isn't cute if they wear it 24/7.

Back to friendship, my best friends are my writings and my art. Both of these things are more invigorating to 'converse' with than any other person I have met. I don't want to talk to people about people; I want to talk to people about ideas, or at least share ideas, in my case. I think that is why I like to write fanfiction so much: I get to show readers what I write, I can open their minds by putting ideas into their heads with images strung together, and because my readers are distant from me. I can have pleasant conversations with readers because of this. We talk about a common thing with no personal problems attached (I don't want to deal with emotions, emotions are like little babies to me; I don’t know what to do with them when they cry and then I freak out). It's not a bad thing to talk of personal things from time to time, but to drown in it...well, that is something entirely different, because personal problems are filled with people, people, people. 

So there is some food for thought, if it is any at all, lol. I feel better writing this. This is the first time I am being honest with myself. Thank you for taking the time to read it, whoever you may be.

-EggPan