I don’t even know what to say right now…Like, my soul is in such a state of pure agony and yet at the same time I feel numb…hollow…I’m just paralyzed.

Earlier this morning, around 9:48am I found my cat, Jasper, she was barely breathing—and just wasn’t in good shape. Of course, we rushed her to our vet and on the way I keep giving her CPR and was trying to see if anything was stuck in her airway.

We don’t live far from out vet, maybe five minutes at most. But when we arrived, she had stopped breathing, they took her back and tried to work on her…at around 10:20am he came back and told us she was gone…

For the past two days she hadn’t been herself, she has allergies and so I thought it was that or possibly a sinus infection. Our vet isn’t open on the weekend and at the time we didn’t think it was an emergency…she was tired but still moving around…eating….drinking…

We were supposed to bring her in for an appointment later today….I…

She sleeps with me and I was woken up but a loud sound, I thought she was throwing up—but when I saw her, it was like someone had shot me. My mother heard me screaming and we rushed her to the vet…my brother was called out of work, but we didn’t tell him until he got there in fear he’d crash from being so upset.

I just got home a little bit ago, and it feels as though my soul has been torn apart, into shreds and repeatedly stomped on. I nearly passed out on the ride back home, my panic attacks are so severe but are coming in waves.

We don’t know what caused it…it could have been a or a severe infection…she was a healthy cat, no heart problems or kidney problems or anything. I searched all over the house and it didn’t seem like she could have gotten into anything…but I just don’t know.

The vet could probably run some tests to try and figure out what had happened, but I don’t know if it’s worth it at this point—she’s already gone and I don’t want her body to be needlessly messed with…

She was going to be 8yrs on September 2^nd …..this wasn’t supposed to happen—I know it’s not but I keep praying this is some cruel nightmare that I’ll wake up from or that she’ll simply wake up and come back to me.

My brother almost had to drag me out of there because I just couldn’t let her go. I didn’t get to say goodbye,

This.wasn’t.supposed.to.happen.

Now my head is haunting me, screaming at me that I could have done something more…I could have woken up sooner, we should have taken her to an emergency clinic…ANYTHING….

I don’t even know what to say, I just want to shut down and never wake up. Our other cat, Yoongi, I know he knows…he was by her side before we left to rush her to the vet…

It’s one thing when the pet is older and you know it’s time to let them go—it’s still painful as hell and doesn’t change how horrible the situation is…but you have some time to prepare, to deal with it, you know?

But this—it just blindsided me, like I was hit by a freight train. It was sudden and painful and scary…It just happened to ing fast…but I still feel like I could have done more…That I should have done more.

She was fine early this morning…and now—she’s just gone.

I can’t think, I can barely breathe—I’m just paralyzed right now. I’ll probably be taking a short hiatus for my stories…If I can focus and write I will but right now I can barely move let alone focus on writing…

Thank you for understanding and sorry for any inconvenience….

To my furry angel—I love you, Jasper and you are always in my soul and heart….I’m so sorry I failed you…God, I’m so ing sorry.