Another year, another dreadful birthday.

I’ve talked about it briefly before, but I’ve never been a fan of my birthday. In the kind of environment I grew up in, more so than not it just became a source of hollowed numbness. Another long, taxing day. The only time I found some joy in my birthday was with my sweet old angel, Spicegirl.

In March it’ll be five years since she passed. She was with me through everything and one of the special connections she shared was the fact she shared the same birth date as me and my brother. (I’m a twin.) after she passed, it left a mournful ache in my heart.

I’ve grown accustomed to these feelings over the years and for the most part just carry on and ignore my birthday in its entirety. Unlike my brother, I don’t have friends or coworkers/classmates to celebrate with and a part of me still probably wouldn’t want to if I did.

It’s odd, isn’t it? How one can feel so isolated and voiceless and yet if ever given the smallest seedling of connection, it becomes paralyzing to even consider. Like, the previous is hell but it’s a hell I’ve known well, you know?

For whatever reason, the weeks leading up to this day felt different. For whatever reason it felt more volatile and all-consuming. I didn’t sleep last night, and this morning was nearly crushed by the hollowness and anxiety that seized me.

I haven’t felt this bad on my birthday in a while. But truthfully, my mental health has been on the decline for awhile now. Partly with the physically illnesses I’ve been dealing with, and the other is just always there but spiraling out of my control. Most days i'm merely existing, wishing that I didn't.

No matter how hard I try, sometimes I just can’t switch off my brain. Most of the time I use it to fuel my writings or listen to music without a moments reprieve, but there are times when even that isn’t enough to keep my afloat. I can’t go to family since they play a major part in that trauma and toxicity, and I honestly have only one friend that I’d ever even consider talking to about what’s going on.

But I don’t want to burden her. And so, here I am just writing it all out in the hopes of some peace today. I just want today to pass as quickly as possible so I can pick myself back up, stitch together my crumbling psyche and just move on.

It might not be normal to most, but it’s my norm. I don’t know, I don’t know why I brother to write these but honestly speaking it keeps me from relapsing into some not-so-healthy coping mechanisms. Feel free to ignore this, it’s honestly just me rambling out into the void.

I can’t help but wonder if anyone else feels like this about birthdays though? Just my curiosity, I guess.

My mind is all over the place and I can’t really untangle all the jumbled thoughts rattling on within. Hopefully this was enough to settle it down enough for me to get some sleep. I honestly plan to just sleep for as long as possible today since I can’t focus long enough to work on my stories.

For what its worth, I hope anyone reading this is doing well and that you enjoy your weekend. Continue to stay safe and healthy.