I like to start the week on Sundays so since it's Sunday this is the start of a new journal thread. 

but I just posted a feed saying "I miss being passionate about things" and honestly that's how I feel. 

over the past few years, I've suppressed my emotions and wants, and desires so heavily that way I could deal with no having what I wanted. I have really bad anxiety and perfectionism so I was/am scared to try new things because I'm always thinking of the worst and planning for the worst that in efforts of self-preservation. 

and like right now I've had the same desire that I've had for years, which is to travel abroad and be independent. and I've always had in the back of my mind in order to make this happen I need money, like a stable income but also a remote job. and the most realistic one to me always seemed to be self-publishing romance on amazon. yet I've spent two years instead working a job I hate and while it has taught me a lot and helped me get my life on track, I still haven't been living my life. I've let the light in my eyes dim and suppressed how I feel to the point where I break down crying if someone asks me a question that is a bit too personal, I don't like who I've become and I don't like the goals I've set for myself but I don't know how to go about achieving what I want. 

like I know I can write romance, but I'm scared I'm going to spend all this time and effort writing and publishing and end up not making enough money to live off of it. even though I know from all the data and posts I've seen that people always do make enough money off of it if they actually publish and learn from their mistakes, I guess it's just the fear of the unknown and preparing for the worst that has me shook. 

something that I have thought of doing that I think will also benefit me is writing down my more philosophical thoughts. because right now I'm constantly surrounded by people who I don't like talking to, I don't have much in common with and they unintentionally make me feel weird about myself. but they are family and they are helping me so I just stay quiet so as to avoid tension. so I thought it would be cool to look up existential questions and write short ebooks on them and publish those. but even with that idea, I have the fear that I'm going to spend all this time writing and publishing them, and ill make nothing from it. and I know that whether I do these things or not the time with pass anyway but it's still hard to trade in the comfort of sitting around and doing nothing and feeling depressed for working hard and being scared that all your effort will amount to nothing. because I've gotten comfortable being depressed. and I don't want to be depressed because it's not healthy and I know I'm just wasting my life away but it's uncomfortable to make efforts not knowing what the result will be. but it's to the point where if I don't make changes and I keep living the same life not only will I stay sad but the people around me will continue to grow and evolve and move forward and ill just be stuck. so I'd rather move and evolve on my own than be stuck in a situation that makes me depressed. 

I think if I change my mindset on writing and publishing then not only will it help me achieve my goals, but it will also give me some happiness. because typing all that out just now gave me the idea that I should shift looking at writing and publishing and even reading from work and difficult things into hobbies and relaxation time. because if I look at it as something fun and that I can't wait to do, then I'll actually do it and not be so pressured about the results because the process will be my favorite part. and then the good mood I had while writing and publishing will translate and readers will like it too. 

I have been having the idea to write poetry, but I think poetry is a bit too focused and short for me to really pour my thoughts into. I just need to not care about being all emotional and thoughtful and extra and just let myself think about different topics and write about them and then just self-publish them. because I think that could be a fun little thing to do. and if I were to cultivate a following doing that, it would be really cool cause they would be like-minded like me since they enjoyed reading my personal thoughts and might feel the same way I do about sensitive topics, and yeah. and writing stuff like that could cleanse my palate and fulfill my need to write literary stuff and then I could write romance stuff after that. like if I woke up every day and write like 5k-10k words about some like "thoughts on being truly happy" or whatever, and then wrote like 2k or a romance novella, that could be cool. because while fiction writing takes me time, as you all may or may not know from reading my blog posts on here, I can pump out a ton of words when talking about my personal thoughts and feelings honestly. like event typing his blog post makes me want to take a typing course because there have been so many times when my fingers can't find the keys fast enough to type out the thoughts in my mind. 

is actually was looking into the best typing keyboard setup like a setting on your computer where it changes the placements of the letters on your keyboard and I found this one that is supposed to be super effective and good for your wrists. I might buy a keyboard skin that matches that keyboard layout and test it out. because a lot of full-time writers advise newbies to invest in stuff to maintain good posture and to take care of your wrists because apparently, carpal tunnel is super common/ and while I still have roommates and don't feel comfortable dictating, taking care of my wrists and making sure I can be efficient when typing seems like a good idea. 

So yeah, I'm going to focus more on being passionate and letting myself feel emotions rather than constantly worrying about the future. I just have to believe in myself and look back and see that I can take alright care of myself and every day I'm learning more and more so I can only go up from here. 

Also, I need to take a shower but I've been putting it off so I'm about to go do that and once I get out I bet I'll feel a lot better haha. recipe to cure depression: showers (jk, but bathing really will put you in a better mood, even if only temporary.)

Have a nice day/night :)