i think young me would be proud of myself. i don't really know, though, so let's break it down:

child me:

- college was like, for 60-year-old people

- what is school i only know my mom teachning me from chinese books

- tried to do multiplication on the sidewalk with chalk (obviously failed)

- humans are scary i want my bunny :(

- obsessed with ballet, stories, and wanting to cure the ing common cold as all kids do

do i think my younger self would be proud of me? hell yeah i would. i think i'd be awestruck and (if i even had the courage to talk to me) i'd ask me if i was really in college and what i was doing and how it was and what i'd play and if i worked in any fancy labs like my dad. i think i would be sorely disappointed but i'd also find it cool anyway because kids find everything cool.

would i tell younger me that i'm deeply unhappy and lost? nah, probably not. i wouldn't have needed to know, but i would have emphasized that trying hard to do anything is the most important thing, even more important than being smart. would i have listened? no, but that'd be on me, not me. i'd also tell her to get into physics earlier LOL but i wouldn't tell her that the reason is because i'll feel a sense of falling behind my classmates who all seem to know much more than i do.

what would i find most impressive about me? probably the fact that i can do multiplication, and in my HEAD. and also probably my handwriting, and maybe the fact that i handwrote 35k words. what would i find most disappointing? probably that i don't wear any pretty clothes, or still carry around rabbit, or something like that. because there's no way in hell i'm telling a five-year-old that life .

elementary school me:

- memorized the times tables until i nearly puked

- saw snow for the first time; moved a couple of times

- didn't have many close friends (and the ones who were moved away...)

- started reading for real

- struck by jealousy because of brother

- smartest kid in class; got in trouble a few times because of pride

would i be proud of me? probably, but also probably wouldn't be awestruck because between childish wonder and actually knowing what something means, there's a long period of pretending to know what things mean and making impressed faces because adults expect to see it. i think i would mostly ask about middle school because of all the movies/middle schools i'd seen, they all looked huge and intimidating.

would i tell me that i am unhappy and lost in life? no, probably not. i'd probably understand more, but i still wouldn't get it and instead, i'd internalize it and probably romanticize it and it'd turn out even worse. i'd tell me to read more, and to start writing earlier, and to start forming my own opinions on books and characters instead of being influenced by the people around me. i'd also tell me to rein in my pride because hard work beats smartness any day. would i listen? nah.

what would i find most impressive about me? maybe that i look old? i feel like children have a very sharp sense of how people actually feel versus the facades they put on. maybe i would see through my mask and realize that i'm old and weary. what would i find the most disappointing? probably that. also probably that i didn't continue with choir. oh, which reminds me: i'd probably be impressed that i can play piano, viola, and somewhat violin.

middle school me:

- dumb and angsty and romanticized stupid things

- weeb; keeb in last year

- lonely until i found my weeb friends

- 'brutally honest' aka ''

- cynical in realizing that the world isn't perfect, or even great, or maybe even good at all

would i be impressed with me? honestly probably not. middle schoolers have a tendency to bring down everything interesting or fun into 'well i could do that too' or something similar. also, by this point, i'm sure i'd be feeling the effects of school; though i'd still not have to put in so much effort, i'd no longer be breezing through. i think i would ask something stupid like 'would i be happy' or 'are we gonna be friends forever'. news flash, no. but i'd say it gently, because no use depressing a sad child even more.

would i tell me that i'm unhappy and lost? well, middle school me was pretty unhappy and lost, so i think i'd say that i'll be happier, because i think in a way i am. but i would tell me to start getting into physics because as much as i hated that class, the subject is interesting as long as you find the right fields, and of course, not every science teacher .

i would be most impressed by my writing. i'd be so impressed that i handwrote 35k words and that i had writing good enough to publish (or so i'd think) because middle school me's writing . i would, however, be disappointed that i still don't really know what i want out of life. i'd also be disappointed that my friends and i don't really stay in contact anymore. and i would be most disappointed in knowing that my grades have dropped off.

high school me:

- no change basically

- slightly less cringey, slightly less old, slightly less joint pain

there's nothing to say here. i'm barely out of high school lol. but i do think i'd be impressed that i understand a little more calculus. i'd be very disappointed to learn that i ended two semesters with a C, and that imposter syndrome does not magically poof away. also that i have no life lol. high school me expected to have friends. i have no friends.

in conclusion:

this started off with me sitting in class zoning out being like huh, i think younger me would be impressed that i know how to do integrals and stuff, and maybe she'd be impressed with the fancy symbols i'm writing down and know the meanings of. but would i really?

and the answer is yeah, if only superficially. if only because i look like i know what i'm doing and can drive and can pay for stuff and can wander around alone and live in a house and can do calculus and know what theta and phi mean and have written a couple of novella-length things and am happy sometimes.

but i think if i knew, i'd be disappointed. or maybe i'd shrug and understand that life is a series of phases. children can be wise like that. but i'd for sure be disappointed that i wouldn't have any of my drive and motivation left, only a vague but desperate ambition :(

professor released exam 2 grades D: i felt like i did pretty good, but i guess we'll see.

edit: i did. now my exam avg is a 71.5 lol.