Stress is a genuinely terrifying disease. And yes, I say disease even though I'm aware stress is a natural response to danger. I also know it's quite useful in short bursts. But when it becomes a long-time thing? Terrifying. 

My work is stressful these days. There are a lot of things that factor into this, COVID being the absolute smallest of them all. And I didn't think I was stressed, I genuinely thought I could withstand pretty much anything, but I've come to realise - that isn't the case. That's simply not true. So these past couple of weeks I've been dealing with a lot of guilt because I applied to a new position elsewhere. Which - nobody would think badly of anybody getting away from a toxic work enviroment, let alone someone my age who has plenty of time to experiment and ... in all honesty, it would surprise nobody because I've been saying I would like to move closer to my family, especially when I want to be a parent (and I would very much like to become a mother before or at least around thirty). 

It still crippled me with guilt, honestly. And all the drama took such a toll on me that I had to call my mother a couple of days ago and just let it all out, vent it out and as I spoke to her, I was eating a brownie with some ice cream - and I got so nauseous as I related all my stress, I almost vomited. I almost vomited out of stress. No sickness, no other reason to feel nauseous other than stress. And I think telling her really just put words on all the stress I've been having which is why I had that physical response. 

I've never tried that before so that was rather intense. Haven't had that since, either, but my mother has this habit of not ... really trusting me when I say I'm sad or stressed. Sort of like what I'm saying doesn't register as a big deal to her. She doesn't do it out of hate and she's not trying to disregard me. I just don't think she understands how I respond to the drama that's going on around me and how it causes me stress because we're different people and her stress-levels are triggered by something else. Like she's triggered when she's very busy and can't be organized. I'm triggered in bad psychological work environment where nobody trusts each other and everything you say can and will be used against me - but put me in a busy, chaotic work environment and I will thrive because I love to have everything under control and am very good at it, so even though it might look disorganized, trust me to have full control of every situation and know exactly what needs to be done when. 

Anyway, that was a rant, lol. I'm under a lot of stress these days and it has transferred to my writing too and ugh, everything just feels so damn hard these days. I'm genuinely hoping my lucky star is shining very bright so I can either win the lottery or get a new job, lol. Both would be preferable, but at least just one of them... 

I do still write, because I have Michan and she's amazing, even though she doesn't always know it! She helps me with Hospital 365 when I'm stuck and she activates my creative juices to find something to write, get small ideas and stuff. I'm so glad we have that together, because it helps a lot to drift into another world where people actually like each other (mostly). And I love the planning of it, of getting to find these small scenarios and details I want to add to the later storyline. Planning is just me, lol. 

Anyways, I'm stressed, stress and so does work and I'm forever grateful for Michan and Rai for putting up with me in these damned times. <3