// lonely, sliiight martyr complex, really unsure about almost everything in her life, creative, a dreamer in denial, people's person, insecure but good at masking it //

for some insanely ed up reason, there's this feeling inside of kim sora, a crawling, stupid desire for people to forget her birthday.

she tells people that she doesn't care about her birthday, and in a way she doesn't - she doesn't want some grandiose party, doesn't want balloons and big presents. she would still like people to remember. instead, she goes on and on about how little she cares - she smiles and waves it off, but she herself knows the sad truth; she's scared. that crawling feeling of desire sends shivers of fear down her spine - a fear that if she lets herself want something, all she'll end with is bitter disappointment. why break a perfectly good heart, if you can render it immune and save the heartbreak? question is (and oh what a fun question it is), can you, kim sora? can you render yourself immune to life the way you always thought you could?

she can't. she tries, but she just can't. she'd like to think she's oh so strong, a fierce warrior who swallows her fear and pain and worries and marches on towards her dreams - no, her desires. no, her goals - and takes what she wants no matter the cost. but truth is, you can't march in a straight line towards success (and she should've known better, she knows that a great dance has sways and twists and turns so swift your head spins). nothing will stop you? how naive. there is a twist and turn everywhere you go, and your poor heart will never handle it. she wants to march towards her dreams, but she never knows whether it's the right thing she's doing, or the complete opposite. and it breaks her, keeps her awake at night, wondering what if - just like the would-be birthday wishes that linger just behind her ear. she can't turn off her feelings like the bad es do in dramas. she cares what others think, she doesn't want to hurt anyone, she won't be able to step on anyone on the path to greatness - but does that mean that she's given up? that she isn't worthy of those dreams goals that hang in her head like fluffy clouds? maybe all she's good for is mediocrity, maybe that's why she's all wrong now - sora but not sora. her success with lune blue feels like a distant dream, like she's the reflection to the girl who stares from the mirror, the slightly wrong sora that is destined to be adored, to be called the best of the generation. 

but the dream is too heavy. sora refuses to dream. immunity of the heart comes from a strenghtening of the spirit.

// she cries for all that she has lost, not really knowing what that was.

// these thoughts, clogging her brain like factory trash polluting the waters.

// she wants to tell people, oh how she wants to share her pain (only her pain, why does the need not arise when you are happy, sora? why don't you feel like you can't talk to anyone then?). but honestly, is there even a point? she's tried (half-assed, don't kid yourself, you dance around it; sway, swing, twist, and turn, but never march towards it like you always thought you would). she's tried, but what can people even say in return? "it'll get better" doesn't help. "you're not alone" doesn't either. but what can you say? it's not the kind of problem that can be solved with words. a crowded loneliness isn't cured with smiles and promises. feeling stuck isn't cured with kind words. Yet still, the desire to share is like an all-eating pyre that sora is scared will burn her whole. But if it won't fix anything, if there's no point, does that make her selfish? if nothing truly can be done, what's the point of making others think about this depressing bull? why not spare them the pain, if there really is no point?

a stupid martyr thought, she knows. but being melodramatic inside the walls of her mind is all she has left.

used to be in a girl group from a very small company. trained for years together, they were like family, then they debuted and were from a small company with a weird concept and so no one cared. they went on a hiatus immediately, and disbanded a few months later. it was the first time in years that sora was alone, and it was a loneliness like a funeral pyre - painful, bright, and reeking of end. didn't know what to do for months but then was approached by Taejun who saw her skill and decided to turn her into his personal project, idol makeover session later she was tossed into lune blue, suddenly surrounded by girls but still just as alone. only now she's so alone she doesn't even recognize the girl in the mirror.

but then they do well, and she's an idol now. she's doing everything she dreamed of before, and she's all wrong but maybe that's what's right? she's praised for her great charisma and dance skill, suddenly she's one of the top main dancers of the new generation, how the did that happen? she's just sora, those dreams were far away dreams, but they're real now, they're solid and heavy, and it's one thing to hold them on your shoulders when you're on stage and the spotlight lifts off the weight, and a whole other thing when you step into the shadows and look into the mirror and doesn't recognize the girl who stares back. 

// she calls them on the phone at least once a week. she fills the kkt chat with words and words and words. she tries to keep up, tries to keep the connection from severing, but distance does its job. phone calls grow rarer, the chat grows more quiet. and it's the worst heartbreak she has ever known.