prlg. being left
ha jinsil has only met her mother in a photo frame. "a beautiful woman like you", her father, sunghoon, always said in her death anniversary. her oldest brother, kidae, would agree while her older brother, junki, would snort as he said, "where in the world is jinsil beautiful?" as junki would receive a pinch on either of his sides from his father and kidae, jinsil would silently agree with him.
gong jiyu was beautiful and sacrificial, deciding to have jinsil at her fourties even if it might be dangerous for her age. the amiable wedding photographer, proud mother of two boys and childhood sweetheart of ha sunghoon went into the operation room but never made it out like she promised him. she left a baby girl that'll grow up to be as beautiful as her. jinsil was barely two weeks old when her father decided to pack up and move to tongyeong, her mother's beloved birthplace where they set her ashes to rest.
jinsil may not be showered in motherly love but she was never short of the tough love of three ha boys. she'd wake up to loud, urgent knocks on her door in the morning as the boys pass her room in a hurry to go to school. they'd gobble up breakfast, face contorting as they shoved their father's burnt sunny-side up eggs. she'd calmly sit behind kidae as they cycle their way to school while junki ran alongside them grumbling at the unfairness. they'd part with kidae, already a middle schooler, with his parting ment,"pay attention in class and don't fight with your friends!"
jinsil had no problem doing what kidae told them especially when she had no friends to fight with. having a naturally dead-panned face and known to learn boxing from her father, children around her were scared of her. she'd seek out junki but he'll tell her to go away when his friends became too invested with babysitting her.
"am i scary?" she asked kidae on the way back to school. kidae would smile,"why? did someone say you're scary?" while jinsil was quite a fussy baby, kidae noticed how she resembled her their father in terms of personality as she grew. "jin-a, between you and me, i think dad's scarier." she didn't smile, but the skip on her steps told kidae she's satisfied with his explaination. jinsil came to terms being by herself until she entered third grade.
chptr one. growing pains
a girl by the name cheon rinji approached her fearlessly then. "you're not scary at all", she said with a high-pitched tone that pierced into jinsil's ears. rinji followed her everywhere with her annoying stories of her father not buying what she wanted, her mother not allowing her to play make up and the father's driver always late picking her up from school. given rinji's obnoxious personality, jinsil should've just decided to stay alone then. but she couldn't help wanting a friend like everyone else. even her family congratulated her for finally making her first friend.
she didn't realize, as times passed, how the two became a feared duo in grade school. jinsil had became used to rinji's antics that she didn't notice rinji being slyly manipulative, playing with their classmate's fear of jinsil to gain attention. not until she saw how one of her smaller female classmate gave her the little snack she has with her hands shaking while rinji watched. not until she saw the girl flinching when jinsil returned the snack, "it's fine. you eat it." that was in sixth grade.
the moment they stepped into middle school, rinji's want to be in charge and to be feared magnified. the duo became a group of four as rinji made new friends the moment she and jinsil were put in separate classes throughout the years. all with a different venom of their own, instilling fear to the weaker girls and sometimes boys.
jinsil would stop by rinji's class only to see her playing with her latest 'friends'. "stop it", jinsil said one day when they were alone. "the bullying." rinji would pout,"bullying? i was just befriending her. she reminded me of you when you were all alone. friendless." jinsil would look at her long and hard, wondering whether rinji's intention in befriending her was purely because she wants to be friends. "now you have me!" rinji would laugh, linking arms with her. "there's no one that can keep up with me besides you."
there were countless more times rinji tried to justify her actions and the more jinsil tried to make her see, she'll pull away angrily. when jinsil kept her distance, rinji will find her and stick to her like glue as if their banters never happened. despite it, jinsil's knowledge of how pressing rinji's life at home is, often pops into her head whenever she felt the need to cut rinji off.
with her father busy training an amateur boxer to go professional and often took trips to seoul where competitions are held, kidae took over the chores. and with his college schedule quite tight, he always looked a little tired. jinsil held back talking about school and rinji, helping him as much as she could around the house.
"jinsil, are you in?" rinji asked one day. they were planning a birthday party for one of rinji's classmate. it wasn't the girl rinji used to pick on so jinsil tagged along. she didn't picture them to be throwing eggs and flour at the girl. that it was revenge for not giving answers in the exams. she didn't picture kidae passing the alleyway they were in when she was about to stop rinji from doing something worse. she didn't picture kidae looking at her in disappointment and asked,"why didn't you stop them?"
with kidae's look of disappointed clearly etched in her head, she started to forwardly stop rinji from bullying others. it wasn't easy as she'll find herself be in the midst of it and the moment a teacher came, she'll be lumped as the ring leader. all because rinji was someone they don't dare to touch, given her father's status as the mayor's men.
it became harder for jinsil to shed the bully title off her forehead. she was already hated on by by-standers, for being a uselessly strong girl who's eating on the weak. she was starting to be hated by rinji. other students from neighbouring middle schools would pick on her as rumours about her spreads. fights would break out then and she saw kidae's disappointment and worry grew when she came home with split lips and scraped knuckles.
everything started to go downhill the moment she entered eigth grade. "let's end this," jinsil said to rinji right in front of their classroom. "this friendship or whatever you call it." she was tired of dealing with rinji, the fighting, people's judgemental looks and her family's disappointment, kidae in particular. rinji didn't let her go without a fight. jinsil let rinji and her girls call her names and push her to the wall—anything that'll get jinsil off rinji's hook.
she came home hoping kidae will finally tell her that she did well. but she arrived to an empty home and 30+ missed calls to her phone that she left. it wasn't long before song hamin, junki's bestfriend and their neighbour, burst in the front door and announced, "jinsil. kidae. he's in the hospital."
chptr two. before you go
the remaining year of eigth grade was nightmare to jinsil. she'd visit the hospital frequently only to see her eldest brother getting paler day by day. she could literally see life seeping out. school was just a short ad, full of teachers taking pity on her, allowing her to sleep in class once a while. as news spread about her brother, rinji's catcalling when she's around continued still and she's heard a few heartless by-standers whispering she deserved it. it was a wrong move as jinsil was a ticking time bomb then. a sensitive grenade that'll burst with a tug on its pin.
" it," she'll tell them. expression so cold yet her eyes held rage. "tell that to me when i am the one who's sick. but this is my brother you're talking about! and he doesn't ing deserve it." she'll be taken by her homeroom teacher afterwards who led her to the counselling room to calm down.
she doesn't sleep at home, taking refuge in the boxing gym instead where she doesn't have to see her father looking down, calling families to borrow an amount of money or hear junki being an optimistic robot, spouting how kidae is strong and still young thus has a high chance in defeating the illness.
but like how kidae was innately excellent in boxing, the cancer cells in him were also holding on. it came to the point where kidae said,"i'm losing." the ha family knew he was fighting a losing battle: finding out about his disease when it was already taking over kidae's system. while sunghoon decided to follow kidae's wishes, jinsil went angry at kidae for giving up. she forced to accept it, however, looking at how gaunt her father looked too. kidae stopped receiving therapy two weeks before he passed.
the two weeks flew by. in a blink of an eye, jinsil was greeting the people coming to mourn her eldest brother. no matter what they said to her or how many hugs they gave, jinsil never said a word nor shed a tear.
chptr three. bandages
returning to school after a week, scrutinizing and judgemental gaze toned down. while she was gone, rinji's act of bullying still continued and has proved jinsil wasn't the ring leader somewhat. but that didn't matter to jinsil. nothing did matter. she spaced out through the whole day. if it wasn't for muyeol constantly keeping tabs on her—under the homeroom teacher's favour—she'd probably stay like that for quite awhile. his nagging and small paper balls thrown at her to make sure she focused in class got to her. eventually they conversed...albeit, uncivilly.
muyeol's personal assignment naturally brought junghee's mother hen tendencies, taking jinsil under her wings. suddenly, jinsil's gloomy lunch at the edge of the canteen became brighter and louder for her taste. given her reputation, she doesn't let them get close to her much. however, junghee's belief in jinsil being a nice person inside, muyeol's warnings before she jumps in the oblivion and raon's quiet bubble in where she can seek refuge in told her she shouldn't let this companion go. ever.
she took their mix of energy and brought it home to her father who tends to wake up in the middle of the night. she'll find him watching a old tapes of her mother's video diary where kidae was small and strong and healthy. jinsil would sit by her father's side, putting her head on his shoulder as he cried. the many nights she'd wake up and stay beside him caused him to toughen up a little and soon smiled, albeit sadly, while watching the videos.
as time went on, jinsil ended middle school with lighter footsteps. she greeted highschool with a better reputation—despite still being the resident tough girl. while the friends talked about dreams, jinsil would stay quiet. her grades were too mediocre to get into top universities and she was definitely one of the students who wrote "whatever" in their sheet of future plans. the counseling teacher always ended up massaging the both of his temples when jinsil entered the counseling room.
"i want to stay in tongyeong," she told him, sparing the counselor from letting out another sigh. "at least for a year." her plan wasn't perfect but she had a rough idea. "would you care to listen?"
chptr four. stop-motion
while the group dispersed after graduation, jinsil was one of those who stayed back. she carried on the very first plan she's ever made all her life. as being the only child beside her father at the moment, she didn't want to leave her father alone just yet. her father's boxing gym was also short-staffed and lacked the energy it had three years ago. at the very least, she wanted to see her father back into the work he loved so much.
for a year, she helped the boxing gym while building up her photography portfolio. her father started to take over soon as he felt he was stopping her from studying for a dream she finally realized. a dream his wife had dreamed but couldn't achieve, being involved in the filming industry. when it was time to leave, it proved quite hard for her but she put in mind that she can come home every weekend. with her father refusing to see her go, shoving her out of the house instead, she left for busan.
in busan, she was reunited with junghee and song hamin, who co-owned an independant movie company. she'd pay a visit to her brother in seoul on some weekends and on others, she'd come back to tongyeong—with junghee on the passenger seat next to her.
chptr five. bad at goodbyes.
...not this time, however.
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