Alright, I'm here to talk about something I hate talking about >> weight! I just know we all are jumping at the chance to talk about it, so bare with me! 

Since I was in elementary school, I thought I was fat. Obviously I had no business worrying about that when I was ing ten, but ya know, we're all a product of society and society doesn't take well to 90 pound 10 year olds. I guess I should've been 80 pounds instead, oy vey. Thankfully, I wasn't bullied, nor did anyone call me fat. On top of that, I was thankful to have a mom who also struggled with weight and never pushed me to think negatively about myself/diet/or fat shame me. Instead, she encouraged me to be confident regardless, but also do what I needed to be happy with myself in the way I wanted. — healthily, of course. 

For a while, and by that I mean like from 4th to 7th grade, I went to the gym every day with my mom and her friends. It was great, I was a normal weight and definetly had more confidence in my appearance than I had before. After that, though, I moved and no longer lived in a neighborhood where I could play and get exercise, but I also didn't have that gym access like I did in my previous city. For a long time, it didn't matter, but I slowly started to gain more weight from cold turkey-ing my routine, hitting puberty harder than ever, and deciding my hobby was cooking. 

In high school, I was in marching band, so that kept me somewhat fit for half the year and I tried dieting on and off. However, I went from being 135 at the end of middle school, to graduating in May of 2019 at 150. 

Now I've ended my first year in college, went through some extremely tough family issues, surgery, quaratine, and I weighed myself a few hours ago to find out I am now 175.9 pounds. I am 5'3ish, so that means I am technically obese. It doesn't matter than I'm a pretty small person structurally, curvy in the right places, and all of my friends say that I'm fine. It doesn't matter that some boy rolled his window down and asked for my number the other day. I can't stop thinking about that word, obese, and how it makes me feel. 

Honestly, I've never stuggled with loving who I am, or having confidence in what I look like. Even if I wasn't satisfied with my weight, I still love me, my body, my personality, my goals. But recently, as in the past 6 months or so, I've really been struggling with loving and having confidence in my outside as much as my inside. Sometimes I'll have thoughts like: It doesn't matter how pretty I am, if I'm fat, all of that is useless; I won't ever find someone who loves me if I'm overweight; I'm disgusting for eating when I know I have a weight problem. It goes on. 

I'm tired of feeling like that. 

And so that's why I'm writing this today. 

Today I decided to start something that I've been putting off for so long. Exercising. Haha, it sounds so simple, right? In fact, it really is simple. Though at the same time, it's like the decision to snooze another five minutes, or just get up. It's so easy to just get up, I mean what are 5 more minutes going to really do for us, but damn, we all snooze anyway. About two hours ago, I made the move not to snooze and I actually exercised on my own for the first time in forever. 

I did a 20 minute, full body workout from a video that looked a lot easier than it turned out to be. I layed on the floor during a few of the sets, but all over, I did most of them to the best of my ability. I got up and felt like my legs were jelly, but I felt good inside. I'm going to keep doing it, every day, until I reach my goal weight, which is 135— the last mark for "normal" weight in my height. 

I am posting all of this here primarily for two reasons. The main one is something tiny called accountability... yeah, her. I'm a driven person, I get my done, but with things like this I am quick to give up and move on. Say, nah I'm fine, I just had a moment. With family and friends, it helps some, but even then it's easy to think that they are going to love you regardless, so it doesn't matter if I tell them I'm tired. Here however, ya'll are strangers and it's not easy to write all of this for the public to view and then ing give up. I'd have a pride problem then, too. So, my solution is to post my progress here everyday. Yeah, everyday. I'll probably comment it below and link whatever video I watched or whatever weird thing I tried. I'm also going to post a weight check weekly.— Saturdays, I suppose. 

The second had to do with you guys. I have seen so many passing comments, feed posts, blogs like this, private messages, of people struggling with the same thing as I am. You can use this as a way to hop on as well and try it out with me. No pressure, everyone has their time and right now might not be yours, but even so, the opprotunity is being offered if you might find some solace in it. Regardless, it would be amazing to see people commenting their routines, their stuggles, or even just some encouragement. 

In the meantime, I am going to try this 20 minute routine, you can find here, daily. I am also going to try to drink 12 cups a water a day as I am a bad water drinker— I've gotten better in the past few months, but I still only drink about 6 to 9 cups a day. I won't be dieting significantly, but I will be portion controlling and watching what I eat. If I do start anything more specific diet wise, you'll definetly know about it. Hopefully in a few months, I can look back and see the progress in real time. I don't want to give up on myself anymore. This is me choosing me. 

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. If you're not ready to open up, but want to talk about weight, or anything really, you can pm me anytime. 

Best, Syd xoxo