i had a massive breakdown a couple of days ago at work. massive, i tell you. i couldn't stop crying for hours, it was extremely embarrassing but the stress of the past month just completely tore me down that day after an argument and my world fell into a million pieces. so i sat there and cried, cried so hard and my sweet sweet coworkers were very concerned and so sweet. i ended up going home on sick leave and crying with the cat consoling me and being a sweetheart. took a long walk with a coworker, spent the next day at home as well to recover and then went on to work today. i was very embarrassed and feeling like a failure but everybody was so amazingly nice to me, sending me a kind smile and hugging me (i know with covid we're not really allowed hugs but a couple of coworkers took pity on me and decided my mental health was more important than a virus, god bless them). 

i was really nervous to go to work and face people again, but outside of the coworker i had the argument with, everybody just ... amazing coworkers. we have a lot of troubles in the department, but i gotta say, knowing that somebody actually care about me is priceless. 

i had been holding off on calling my dad because, like i said, i felt like a massive failure because i cracked under the pressure and everybody kept giving covid the blame and i have been feeling tired of work and lonely and i worked legit every saturday in february. i can see it on my paycheck and sure, having money is good but stress is not worth it. 

anyway, i called my dad today anyway because i needed to tell him and it's the right thing to ask for help when you're just hitting rock bottom and im trying to learn. earlier i wanted to buy a bottle of champagne and disappear into alcohol and cry for myself, which is very uncharacteristic of me because im too stingy to spend money on alcohol. i didn't buy it (stingy) but it felt wrong to want to disappear like that, so i decided to call daddy instead. he was amazing. 

so now it's weekend, the cat is amazing and i am listening to musical music (and singing along) and i am having a blast. all im trying to saying is; 

i had a massive breakdown and life , but im going to survive and going to survive well and deliver. 

to quote my fave glee remix;

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise