I was working this afternoon.

As I usually do, I took some time to check my instagram notifications.

It was probably around 4 something pm.

And I suddenly got hit by what I had been dreading.

It was that time. Again.

A single look at the new posts made my heart suddenly ache.

It was midnight in Korea.

We were then officially the 18th of December.

I'm not really sure why it is hitting that hard this year.

Last year, I had been able to remember you with a strong heart. Thinking about you dearly but with sorrow.

Today, I don't seem to be able to do so.

I have been feeling the tears on the corner of my eyes for the past few hours. My heart is thigthening and I feel like suffocating.

It took me close to a year to be able to listen to your voice again. Even more to be able to watch and hear you at the same time.

And honestly, sometimes, I forget.

I watch you and I smile. I laugh and sing along to the songs like everything is alright.

But suddenly, the alarm bell rings and the voice in my head brings me back to reality.

You are gone. This is all over. 

I'll never see you smile again, never will watch you interact with them again.

It hurts.

It feels like hitting a wall with full force.

Again and again.

I don't know why this year is worse than the last one. Maybe because I finally realize that nothing will change ? No matter how long I wait, you won't suddenly reappear. It finally probably hit my brain, that the years are passing and we drift further.

What probably hurts the most is that you helped me. The five of you did. When I was hopeless, that I was afraid and close to giving up. When I was crying and trying to find any rope I could grab to keep on living, you gave me the strength. Your voice, your words, your music, the five of you helped me to go through hard times.

And I won.

I did.

I am here. And even if I go through a rollercoaster of emotions, I'm fine. 

But you aren’t here anymore.

Sometimes, I feel like I was able to get by thanks to you, but you weren’t able to.

And that hurts. It feels like I wasn’t able to reciprocate the help you gave me.

I know I have to stay logical and rational. How could I have helped someone who was miles away ? Someone I didn’t directly know ?

Although I try to tell myself I couldn’t have done anything, it doesn’t hurt less.

You know, I saw one of your “brothers” a few weeks ago. I had the chance to watch him play in this beautiful musical. But when I witnessed that special scene, my heart stopped beating. And it hurt again. Like it did on the first day. Everyone knew, everyone could feel it. The room was cold and silent, the air was unbreathable. And even the actors looked tensed.

To see him crying with the lying body of his friend in his arm was terrifying. His screams and plea for help were unsustainable. We could see it, we could hear it, feel it. He wasn’t acting. Those screams were from the heart. Even the cast seemed taken aback and worried.

And I cried. I cried watching his hopeless reactions. The panic and despair in his voice and movements. And I cried even more, when after the play, a small and honest smile appeared on his face. It’s not the same he had. It's the smile of someone who was beaten by life and has a lot to say about it. But it was a smile. An honest one.

So, if even your friends can do it, I will too.

Next year, I promise I will remember you with a smile on my face. Only remember the good memories and your smile.

But this year, let me cry a little bit more.

I am weak but I’ll be strong.

I miss you, you know?

I probably always will.

You worked hard. You did.

Now take a rest. You deserve it.

To you, who gave me hope and comfort.

Those are the words of a broken hearted fan.